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You’re not alone in wanting to be a better lover. Many people worry about their performance in the bedroom at one time or another.
If your sexual experiences have been limited or you just haven’t had much feedback, how are you supposed to know if you’re a good lover or not?
First off, sex doesn’t just have to be in the bedroom. But secondly and most importantly, there isn’t a straightforward answer to your question.
It’s a good thing that you’re taking an interest in improving yourself. That fact alone means you don’t only care about your own enjoyment but your partner’s enjoyment too. You are taking the time to see if you can make the experience better for the both of you.
Good sex depends on a lot of things – the right situation, the right partner, the right setting, the list goes on. But one thing that will definitely disrupt your pleasure in the bedroom is if you are anxious and lack confidence around the subject of sex. If you’re worrying so much about whether or not either of you are having a good time, then it’s more than likely neither of you are.
Being a good lover comes from experience – not necessarily with different people, but over time as you learn to know what feels good for you and how to respond to the cues of your partner.
Being good in bed also comes from self-awareness, making sure you’re valuing your partner’s pleasure as much as your own and remembering that this experience is a shared one.
There isn’t a handbook of instructions to tell you how to be a good lover, but there are some things you can do that could help you get more enjoyment out of the sex you have.
If you are still curious for more tips on how to be a better lover, keep reading.
1. Stop feeling embarrassed.
Sex is a lot of things, but it’s definitely not pretty or perfect.
Whatever you’ve seen in adult films or raunchy rom coms, forget it, because it’s just not true that anyone looks that good while getting it on unless they’ve had a lot of help.
When you and your partner get down to it, it’s unlikely you’ll have the perfect lighting or the dreamy romantic setting, and you won’t be editing out any unforgiving noises or facial expressions.
Sex isn’t how it looks in the movies and you shouldn’t feel embarrassed by any of the less than pretty parts that come along with it.
Having sex leaves you totally vulnerable in front of your partner. Not only are you bearing all physically, but emotionally too.
But if you’re worrying too much about how you look naked or what facial expression you’re making, you’re never going to be able to let go and fully enjoy yourself.
What’s more, your partner will sense your discomfort. You may think they won’t notice if you’re feeling self-conscious, but you’d be wrong. They’ll know if you’re not really letting yourself get into it and could even think that your behavior has something to do with them.
Let yourself be led by what feels good and how your partner is reacting. Stop trying to make yourself look and act like something out of a dirty magazine. Instead, take the chance to explore each other and just enjoy the experience for what it is.
If something you find embarrassing does happen, learn to laugh through it and accept it as part of the process. Sex in real life isn’t how it looks on TV, and both you and your partner need to be able to accept that if you’re ever going to get any good at it.
2. Get intimate with yourself.
Having a more intimate knowledge of yourself is an important part of becoming a better lover.
Before you can focus on how to make an experience good for someone else, you must know what turns you on and what you like. After all, how can you expect to have the best experience and be able to understand your partner intimately if you don’t even understand yourself?
Developing a better understanding of what feels good for you physically will help you feel more relaxed when it comes to having sex. Thinking about sex and what turns you on will break down some of the mental walls you might have around the whole concept of it.
When it comes to actually having sex, you’ll find it easier to think about what you want to get out of it and be better prepared to achieve the level of pleasure you know you can reach.
If you know what you like, then you can share this with your partner, giving the air of someone who is confident and assertive. Your partner might respond in the same way, encouraging you both to communicate openly about what you want and need from each other.
Buy yourself some sex toys, watch some adult films, and find out what it is that turns you on. Take pleasure in getting to know yourself and encourage your partner to do the same so that when you do get to make the most of some alone time together, you can have the best sex possible.
3. Keep it fun.
At the very least, sex is supposed to be fun and enjoyable for the both of you.
There may be occasions when you don’t have time to indulge in a long session together with your partner and instead make do with a quickie because you’re tired or tight on time.
Maybe it’s been a while since you were both in the mood and you feel as though you should have sex just ‘because’ rather than because you both actually want to.
You might even be trying for a baby and have a sex life that is dominated by ovulation tests and temperature readings.
All of these situations and more can take the fun out of having sex and make the whole act of it more of a pressure rather than pleasure.
You shouldn’t be having sex just for the sake of it or barely having time or energy to enjoy it when you do. Neither of you will have a good time if you’re not in the headspace for it. It’s better to plan a date night where you can focus fully on your partner and take time to enjoy being with each other again.
If you’re trying for a baby, remember that sex is supposed to be a pleasurable experience too, and doesn’t just have to be a means to an end. You may be tied down to specific days and times when you should be doing it, but that doesn’t mean that you can’t still have fun while you do.
Losing the fun out of sex will make it stagnant and less of a priority in your relationship. You’re more likely to get stuck in a rut and stop making the time and effort to factor sex into your lives.
Sex is a vital part of most healthy relationships, so make sure you’re giving it the time and attention it deserves. It may take a bit more thought and planning on your part to make sure you’re getting in those date nights together or trying new things in the bedroom, but it will strengthen your relationship and help you both get more out of it in the end.
4. Try out different positions.
If you’re just keeping to a few basic sex positions, then you might want to consider expanding your knowledge in this area.
There’s a lot more than just missionary or doggy style when it comes to sex positions, many more than most people imagine.
Trying out new styles isn’t just about being adventurous, there’s advantages in different positions to increase stimulation or penetration that can benefit both you and your partner.
Different positions involve different levels of closeness to your partner, helping you to connect both emotionally and physically on a more intimate level.
The Kama Sutra is an ancient text that talks through different positions and the physical and spiritual connection they can bring to a relationship. Mixing up your routine and finding new positions that feel good is a way to explore and further your sexual experience with your partner and ultimately become a better lover.
5. Don’t be shy about taking control.
Making sex enjoyable shouldn’t be down to just one partner – both of you should have a go at taking the lead in initiating and taking a more dominant role.
You may feel as though you lack confidence in taking charge of changing position or trying out something new during sex, but you’ll never get over your shyness if you don’t take the leap and try.
If you trust your partner, there should be no need to feel awkward or shy about taking control once in a while and telling them what you want. If one of you is always taking the lead in initiating or choosing positions, you should both encourage the other to take charge instead to mix up your routine.
As fun as it is for some people to play the dominant part when having sex, it can be just as exciting to let someone else take the lead. You may surprise yourselves and enjoy playing either a more passive or dominant role for once and learn more about each other in the process.
Taking the lead during sex can be tiring physically and emotionally, being the one who is constantly giving rather than receiving. Share the roles during sex and surprise each other by changing up the routine once in a while. You never know, you might enjoy it.
6. Communicate with each other.
You’ll never be a good lover if you don’t talk about sex.
If there was a problem in your relationship and you wanted your partner to do something they weren’t, you wouldn’t just wait to see if they figured it out, would you? You’d talk to them about it.
Sex is no different. Communication is just as vital in the bedroom as it is in any other part of a relationship.
If your partner is doing something to you that feels good, then let them know, don’t keep quiet about it. If you want them to go faster, slower or change position, then tell them what you’re thinking, don’t leave it to them to try to understand and inevitably get it wrong.
Maybe you feel awkward talking about sex or are worried about hurting your partner’s feelings if they’re not able to get you to a climax. But it’s worth taking the risk rather than letting them carry on doing something you don’t enjoy, especially when a simple conversation could help you both get so much more out of the experience.
Your partner wouldn’t want to be doing things that don’t make you happy, so be upfront and honest about what it is you need from them and encourage them to do the same to you.
Keep your conversations respectful and constructive and see it as an opportunity to show each other how much you care by listening to what each other has to say. As much as you want your partner to listen to you, you have to listen to them and not just ignore their feelings.
As long as you handle these conversations carefully, there’s no reason to feel worried about having them, especially when it could have such a positive impact on not just your sex life but your whole relationship too.
7. Don’t get stuck in a rut.
Not getting stuck in a rut is easier said than done, especially when you’ve been in a relationship with the same person for a while.
Boredom in the bedroom can often be the cause of partners cheating, and it’s an area of your relationship you shouldn’t ignore.
Competing with the pressures of keeping up with your jobs, your house, a social life, or family responsibilities, your relationship can take a backseat, especially the physical part of it.
When you feel as though you’re short on time and you want to make sure the both of you enjoy it when you finally do manage to have sex, then the easiest thing to do is to stick with what you know and fall into a routine in the way you do things.
This might mean you always keep to the same positions or length of time you’re going at it, you never try having sex anywhere new, or you keep to the same schedule, squashing any spontaneity and excitement out of it all together.
Sure, you both might feel good after it, doing what you know works each time, but just because it works for the both of you, it doesn’t mean you should stop trying new things.
Sex shouldn’t become boring, and if it has then it’s a sign you need to mix things up again. A good lover doesn’t let things get stale. Try initiating sex with you partner unexpectedly and see how they react. Surprise them by coming to bed in some lingerie or bringing a sex toy for you both to try. Even just cooking them a special dinner and lighting some candles can dramatically change the mood and move your mundane sex life out of the ordinary.
With busy lives and long-term relationships, it can be tough to find the time or effort to bring the spark back to your sex life. But even the smallest change from your usual routine can make all the difference and make life much more enjoyable for the both of you.
8. Introduce something new into your sex life.
There are more sex toys, lubricants, outfits, and games out there to help improve your sex life than you could possibly imagine. So if you haven’t introduced them into your relationship then why not give it a try.
Using something like a toy or lubricant when you have sex doesn’t meant that you’re bad in bed without it; it’s just adding another element of fun and exploration for you and your partner to enjoy.
These items are there to increase your pleasure and using them can be an experience both you and your partner can share and become more intimate over. Don’t wait for your partner to take the lead, approach the idea with them and see how they feel.
Using sex toys doesn’t have to always be about whips and handcuffs – it could be as simple as putting on some sexy underwear or using lubricant. If you have a vibrator or toy that you use yourself, try bringing that into the bedroom when you have sex so both of you can play with it as a couple for a change.
It doesn’t have to be something you do all the time, but trying out new toys together will help keep your sex life feeling fresh and interesting and can build your confidence and trust with each other.
9. Don’t dismiss foreplay.
It doesn’t always have to be about the main event – sometimes, to be a better lover, you need to focus more on the foreplay than the sex itself.
Foreplay can often be dismissed as a means to an end, getting you both going so you can concentrate on actually having sex. But foreplay is more than just a quick warm up, it’s a way of giving pleasure to your partner and getting intimate with each other’s physical needs.
It can be just as satisfying and pleasurable if you give the time and attention to each other by properly exploring foreplay, bringing you closer as you concentrate on each other’s bodies.
Enjoying foreplay with each other sets the mood, making you concentrate on your partner’s experience and heightening the pleasure you get from having sex if you finally do.
Receiving attention from your partner is great, but giving pleasure to someone you care about will make you seem like a more attentive, and therefore better, lover.
Take joy in being the reason for someone else’s joy and you may find it gives you a new type of satisfaction. Your partner will thank you for it if nothing else.
10. Stop putting pressure on yourself.
Even when we don’t mean to, we can put pressure on ourselves when we have sex to make sure we or our partners reach their climax and finish satisfied.
If you finish and your partner doesn’t, or vice versa, there can be the feeling that you haven’t done enough, or you’ve done something wrong which has meant that one of you hasn’t had a good time.
Putting pressure on each other to always climax as a sign of good sex can distract you from enjoying the event itself and make the outcome even harder for you both to reach.
You don’t always have to reach that elusive ‘O’ to have a good time, and there can be a number of reasons outside your control in that moment that can contribute to one of you not staying erect for as long or being drier down there than usual.
Stress, health, even just a distracted mind can all affect how you perform in the bedroom, and you shouldn’t feel judged on how ‘good’ you are in bed by how long you last or how quickly you or your partner climax.
Try not to put the pressure on yourself or your partner to ‘perform’ in a certain way just because you’ve been told that’s the sign of a good time. The more pressure you put on a situation, the harder it is to relax, and being able to relax and have a good time is the key to good sex and being a good lover.
11. Keep an open mind.
It’s hard enough trying to be confident when you’re in such a vulnerable position and about to have sex without feeling as though you’re being judged for wanting to try something new or for expressing your needs.
Your partner may want to explore different things sexually that you hadn’t considered before or are new to you. Although you might not be used to the idea, it doesn’t mean you should immediately dismiss it.
If you feel worried because you don’t know if you’ll be good at something they want to try or feel embarrassed about it, then be open with them about how you feel rather than shutting the idea down completely. A lot of what makes someone a better lover is their willingness to have fun and try new things with their partner.
It’s ok to set boundaries. If you’re genuinely not comfortable with some of your partner’s suggestions, it’s ok to say no and stick to what you know. But just because something is new to you doesn’t mean it’s bad or should be dismissed. If you care for your partner, you certainly shouldn’t be making them feel embarrassed for having suggested something different.
Be supportive of each other’s needs as much as you can while keeping your chosen boundaries in place, but keep an open mind to trying new things in the bedroom which can help you become that confident, experienced lover you want to be.
12. Learn to read your partner.
A lot of what makes someone good in bed is down to the attention they pay to their partner.
Being selfish in bed and only focusing on your own pleasure is one of the biggest turn offs when it comes to sex. Satisfying your partner is as important as getting satisfaction yourself, and to know if you’re doing something right, you have to be able to read your partner.
Learn to notice how they show they’re enjoying themselves or when something feels good for them. Likewise, understand the cues that show you something isn’t working for them and respond by moving position or trying something you know they enjoy to make their experience better.
If it’s clear they’re enjoying themself then don’t stop or move for the sake of it, let them keep going until they want a change or reach their climax.
The more attentive you are to your partner, the better experience they will have and the better lover you will appear to be. They may want to imitate you and start giving you more personal attention because of how you treat them, and together you’ll find your sexual experiences more emotionally and physically satisfying.
13. Take your time to build up to the event.
Half of what makes sex with someone great is the anticipation of it.
Foreplay doesn’t just have to be sexual – building that tension throughout the day by flirting with and touching each other will make it that much better when you finally come to the event itself.
Creating intimacy prior to having sex will keep your mind on each other all day. Building this anticipation is its own type of foreplay and will make the both of you that much more excited for when you can finally be alone.
The build up to sex can dramatically affect how good it actually is, so don’t dismiss the power of capitalizing on the sexual energy you have with someone and use it to your advantage when it comes to being a better lover.
14. Immerse yourself in it together.
If you want to be a better lover, you need to start taking notes.
Take an interest in film, literature, adult films, and see what turns people on. Find out what it is that gets both you and your partner in the mood and start exploring these different genres together.
See how your partner reacts to different media and begin to understand what it is that turns them on. Don’t shy away from talking about sex or shrink from these experiences together. Watching or reading about sex in each other’s company will naturally lead to you both thinking about it more and hopefully having more sex yourself.
Not only will surrounding yourself with sexual media encourage a more sexually charged atmosphere between you and your partner, but you might learn a few useful tips in the process.
If you care about improving your sex life, then the first thing you should do is to get intimate with the idea of thinking about it, talking about it, and doing it. Don’t just take an interest in how to make the experience better, start putting into the practice the changes you want to see in yourself.
Wanting to get better at something often stems from the fear that you’re not good enough or will embarrass yourself when you’re already at your most vulnerable around someone. The more insecure you feel, the more awkward having sex will become for you. If you don’t feel comfortable in your abilities, the only way that will change is if you keep at it to build the confidence you want.
Sex is a basic function; it’s how you react to your partner that makes it either an experience to remember or one to forget. A lot of influences we have around us in films and on the internet that show us what ‘good sex’ looks like aren’t real; they’re made up as a fantasy of someone’s idea of what ‘good sex’ is. They very much aren’t based on real life.
Don’t hold yourself or your partner to the standard of something that is staged for our pleasure. If you want to be a better lover, don’t try to be anything you’re not. Instead, focus on your own happiness and your partner’s, take your cues from each other and see where that leads.
Still not sure how to be a better lover? If you’re worried about getting things right in the bedroom and need some personal advice, an experienced relationship expert can help. So why not chat online to one of the experts from Relationship Hero who can help you figure things out. Simply click here to chat.
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