Why is it so hard to maintain friendships in adulthood?
There’s a high chance you don’t have nearly as many friends as an adult as you did when you were younger. In your heyday, you may have interacted with dozens of different people on the regular — going to parties, talking on the phone, hanging out at festivals, and so on. So why do our friend circles shrink as we age? The reasons listed here may surprise you.
1. Early friendships are not always authentic.
Some young people gravitate towards peer groups they sincerely connect with, while others pretend to be interested in those things for the sake of acceptance, or to get closer to those they’re interested in romantically.
Those who were sincerely interested in the subcultures they got involved with will often maintain them as they move forward in life. In contrast, those who were just cosplaying because they wanted to date a goth hottie at the time will later meander into pastures that are more authentic for them.
2. It’s a lot easier to make friends when you’re younger.
According to Dr. Marisa Franco, the key ingredients for organic friendship development are continuous unplanned interaction and shared vulnerability. These happen normally when we’re young, as we open up to our peers when we spend more time with them in relaxed environments.
In adulthood, most of our peers are in work environments in which we need to maintain reserved, professional behavior. Our interactions are scheduled and strictly monitored, so we don’t have the opportunity for friendships to develop properly.
3. We prefer to spend time with those we sincerely connect with.
Younger people often spend time socializing with school friends or neighbors because they’re in close proximity all the time. Even if they don’t connect with them deeply, they’ll hang out together because it’s something to do when they’re bored.
As we age, however, we prefer to spend downtime with people we sincerely like. Like the macaque monkeys in this article in Medical Daily, we find social interactions increasingly stressful, and we want to spend what limited time we have left doing things we enjoy.
4. We grow apart from those who live different lives to us.
Most people in high school or college are quite similar with regard to their personal lives and interests, which makes it easy to find common ground with those around them. This changes significantly as we age, since people can go in so many different directions in their lives.
A person who has chosen to dedicate their life to academics, travel, or the military won’t have much in common with friends whose lives revolve around domesticity and child-rearing. They may still care about each other, but will communicate less frequently.
5. Everyone is too tired to socialize.
Most of the mature adults you know are exhausted all the time. Sure, some will have higher degrees of energy than others, but few people you know have anywhere near the amount of energy that they had in their twenties.
Work, home care, child care, cooking, and getting enough exercise to not fall apart completely, use up just about all the energy they have. What little is left may be just enough to thumb out a few “likes” on social media so their friends know they’re still alive.
6. Many people solidify in their views or opinions.
Neuroplasticity is lost over time, causing many people to lose their ability to adapt to new things. As a result, a lot of folks end up getting stuck in their ways, how they think, and how they process the world around them.
It’s why they may have had no problem tackling new ideas in their youth, but struggle with new social concepts or science a few decades later. They’re calcified in their mindset, and can’t reconcile that their once promiscuous best friend is now a Buddhist monk, for example.
7. Health issues get in the way.
It’s sad to admit, but people’s health inevitably deteriorates over time. Even the most health-conscious people will end up struggling with joint issues, pain, inflammation, and a variety of other issues, and the care and attention of those take precedence over socializing.
Additionally, some people with severe health issues may be embarrassed to spend time with old friends. Whether they’re dealing with cognitive and memory decline, or have to rely on mobility devices, they may feel too self-conscious about their current state in comparison to their younger, more vibrant selves.
8. Some people don’t want to be around too much negativity.
You’ve undoubtedly noticed that the topics of conversation that most older people discuss revolve around sickness, death, and everything that’s going wrong in the world. Constantly hearing about other people’s problems, health challenges, and atrocious politics can get overwhelming, and may even cause depression and anxiety in some people.
They’d rather spend time with a few people who lift their spirits than spend hours being agony-aunts for others’ misery. Some may even choose solitude over hearing about cancer, deterioration, and demise.
9. People die.
Speaking of demise, that’s another reason why your friend circle shrinks as you age. We all have a limited shelf life, and some people’s expiry dates are earlier than others. You won’t find many people over 30 who haven’t lost at least a couple of friends to illness or injury.
Sadly, their friends will keep on dying as they age, making their social circles shrink more and more. This is why it’s so important to spend time with our loved ones while we can.
10. Individuals get less patient with others’ nonsense.
We have a lot more tolerance for other people’s ridiculousness when we’re young. As we age, we get more sensitive to things like loud noises and cringe-worthy behavior and don’t want to spend our precious spare time being irritated.
This leads us to pare down our social circles to eliminate anyone who stresses us out, or whose company we’ve had to endure, rather than look forward to. Furthermore, we’re quick to call out stupidity when we see it, leading to further breakdowns in friendship.
11. Family life is prioritized over socializing.
As people couple up, their primary focus becomes their family, rather than their friends. This is particularly true if they’re raising children, or are taking care of elderly parents or other dependent family members.
They may want to stay in touch with people they like and care about, but every time they try to do so, the baby cries, or their mum falls over, and that plan gets derailed. The next thing they know, so much time has elapsed that they feel awkward reaching out.
12. People leave and it gets harder to meet up.
Few of us live in the same place we grew up in. People move away for a wide variety of reasons, from going to school in other states to accepting jobs overseas, or simply for a change of scenery. Some travel to distant locations and love it so much that they decide to take up residency there.
The thing is, physical distance usually creates emotional distance as well: it’s not always a case of “absence makes the heart grow fonder”, but rather “out of sight, out of mind”.
