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Believing that your boyfriend might be gay is a tricky situation to have to confront, and, if you’re reading this, we can imagine that you’re feeling very confused.
In this article, we’ll explore how to know if your boyfriend is gay, and how to approach the situation in a way that works for you both.
Remember that this is a tough subject for a lot of people to talk about, especially if they haven’t yet come out or aren’t sure how they feel, so be respectful, no matter how upset you might get.
We don’t live in a binary world, and it’s important to remember that when bringing up anything around gender or sexuality.
It’s natural for your first feeling to be one of confusion, anger, or betrayal, but, after reading this, we hope you get some clarity – not only on the situation, but on how to deal with it in a way that is still full of love and acceptance.
10 Signs That Your Boyfriend Might Be Gay
1. He talks about guys in a sexual way.
Okay, this might seem like a very obvious one, but bear with us!
If your boyfriend openly makes sexual comments about other men, he might be hiding behind the very obvious notion that he’s interested in men.
‘Hiding in plain sight’ is an expression for a reason. Sometimes, when we’re trying to hide something, we feel that it’s safer to make it seem so obvious that it almost can’t be true.
Maybe he comments on how attractive other guys are, or makes ‘jokes’ about having sex with men.
Either way, there could be something to these comments and he might actually be trying to cover up a genuine interest in guys.
2. He flirts with other men.
You might have noticed that he can be pretty friendly with other men at times. Maybe he purposefully goes all-out and hits on men (as above), or maybe you just notice that his behavior changes around other guys.
This might happen particularly with gay men and he’s subconsciously flirting as a way to explore his sexuality.
He might blush more around attractive men than he does around attractive women, he might get a bit silly and flirty, and you might just feel like he’s being a bit suggestive or sexual with them.
3. He watches male-oriented porn.
Porn preference doesn’t always indicate a preference in reality, as we all know.
However, if you’ve caught him watching gay porn (or porn of solely men), it might be something he’s interested in on some level.
He might genuinely want to want men, he might have some fantasies he’s too scared to live out in real life – or he might be looking for tips, or just enjoy it!
It’s hard to know from this alone, but it might be a sign that your boyfriend is gay, or at least interested in men in some way.
4. He’s suggested certain role-play scenarios.
Similar to above, it’s important to remember that something we enjoy in bed isn’t necessarily something we really want to act on in real life.
He might suggest some role-play that feels geared toward men, or might want you to use certain toys that imply he’d like to experience sex with another man.
Never do anything you’re not comfortable with, but be kind about how you turn this down if you choose to.
It could just be something kinky he’s interested in doing for fun and he genuinely wants to share it with you (and not a guy!).
Equally, it could be him exploring another side of his sexuality, so try not to start accusing him of anything or telling how betrayed you feel that he wants to replicate gay sex with you.
We’ll go into more detail below on how to handle this kind of situation.
5. He’s been involved with men before.
Now, it’s key to note that past sexual experiences aren’t always indicative of sexual preferences.
After all, sexuality is fluid and what we liked five years ago isn’t always something we’d still like now. Equally, a lot of us will go through an experimental phase!
But if your boyfriend has hooked up with men, or dated men, in the past, it could be something he’s still interested in pursuing on some level. If he’s got a history of being involved with men, it might be something that is still on his mind.
6. You don’t have sex as often as you once did.
There are a lot of reasons that couples stop having sex as often, and it doesn’t automatically mean that your boyfriend is gay!
Just because he’s not in the mood, doesn’t mean he suddenly doesn’t find you attractive anymore and has to be gay.
However, if you do feel like things have really dropped off in that sense, it could be down to some confusion on his part around his sexuality.
He might not be physically interested in having sex with you any longer, or he might feel too guilty to have that connection with you because he knows he’s interested in men.
Either way, we’ll go into how to deal with this below.
7. He’s losing interest in your relationship.
Similar to above, you might feel like he’s not very invested in you or the relationship anymore.
This might be because he’s realized that it’s not right for him anymore, or because he’s very confused himself.
This might be through a lack of sex or affection, or the fact he’s no longer as keen to make plans or talk about longer-term goals or your future together.
8. His family are very homophobic.
Homophobic parents don’t ‘make’ someone gay, just to be very clear – that is not how sexuality works!
If he’s known he’s gay for a while but has been raised in an environment that doesn’t allow him to safely or comfortably express or explore that, he might be covering it by acting straight.
As such, he’s found a girlfriend and is outwardly living life as a straight man. Having a homophobic family would explain why he’s kept his sexuality hidden – it’s not in itself a ‘reason’ for being gay, but it might explain why he’s kept it secret and gone along with your relationship.
9. He’s drunkenly revealed some secrets.
Alcohol can reveal a lot, as we all know. He might have hinted at something after a few drinks, or outright ‘admitted’ something after a boozy night.
This might be that he’s been involved with guys before, or that he’s got feelings for a man in his life.
It might be about a fantasy or secret, or it could be a drunken ‘confession’ that’s come from a place of repressed guilt because he feels so bad about lying to you while he’s with you.
10. You just have a feeling.
Intuition is a weird one! We’re not suggesting that an odd feeling instantly means that your boyfriend is gay, but sometimes we just know.
It might be that a combination of the signs above have become very obvious recently, or it might be a feeling in your gut that things just don’t quite work between the two of you.
What To Do If You Think Your Boyfriend Might Be Gay
Whether or not the signs on the above list have resonated with you, there’s some doubt in your mind from somewhere. Let’s delve into how to deal with your feelings and move forwards.
Not everyone behaves the same way.
You might have had boyfriends in the past who’ve been all over you and been very interested in sex all the time.
Just because your current partner doesn’t act the same way or has a fluctuating sex drive, doesn’t mean he’s ‘got to be gay.’
We all go through different phases in life, and our sex drive can change due to things like stress, confidence, and lifestyle choices.
Remember that sexuality is a spectrum.
So, maybe your boyfriend is gay! Or maybe he’s bisexual, pansexual – or anything on the wonderful spectrum of sexuality.
Or, of course, maybe he doesn’t fit any label and just feels what he feels.
Him having feelings of any kind for other men doesn’t mean that he doesn’t love you or fancy you.
If he’s not sexually attracted to you or doesn’t want a relationship in a way that you want a relationship, that’s a totally different situation (see below).
It’s important to remember that your boyfriend might be interested in men in some way, but if he wants to be in a relationship with you, he’s choosing you for a reason.
Give him some space.
If you’re not quite sure what’s going on in your relationship, he’s likely to be feeling the same way.
Maybe his behavior has changed recently and it’s triggered a feeling in you that he might be interested in other men.
He might have recently realized this, or might be confused himself. Being honest with ourselves about our sexuality can feel like a huge hurdle, let alone talking to love ones about it – especially if we’ve been raised in a homophobic household.
Give him some space if things are feeling a bit different, and remind him that you’re there for him in a judgment-free, supportive way if he ever needs to talk about something.
It’s natural to feel upset and angry, maybe even a little bit betrayed or taken advantage of, but try to put those feelings aside for now.
Yes, it might be horrific for you if you realize your boyfriend is gay – but it might also be a huge shock or something very confusing for him too.
Be respectful at every stage of this and bear in mind that anything he chooses to share with you regarding his sexuality might be a huge deal for him and shows how much he trusts and loves you.
Have an honest conversation about it.
If things are becoming quite apparent and you’re certain that your boyfriend is gay or interested in men in some way, have a conversation about it.
It might seem impossible, but it’s the best way to move forwards.
Choose a good time when it’s just the two of you at home and gently bring it up.
Make sure he knows that you support him and he can tell you anything in confidence. He might not have spoken to anyone about this before, so, despite how painful it may be to hear, be supportive and open-minded.
Discuss what this means for your relationship. It’s okay to be upset, but remember that he might be feeling guilty if he’s realized that he doesn’t want to, or can’t, continue with your relationship, so avoid blaming him or getting angry.
After your conversation, it might be good to have some time alone for a few days for you both to process. This will give you all the time you need to cry, rant with your friends instead of at him, and work out what to do.
Suggest counseling – as a couple or individuals.
Whether you’ve spoken about it or not, counseling can really help you work through this issue.
You can see someone as a couple and use it as a space safe to discuss how you’re feeling, or you can suggest that you both see professional therapists separately.
This will help you address your concerns and find out if they’re coming from a place of fear or genuine reasoning; it might also help your boyfriend address some things he’s been feeling and suppressing.
Remember to be kind at all times – your anger or hurt is due to how much you love your boyfriend, so use that love to be supportive and accepting, however things turn out between the two of you.
Still not sure what to do if you think your boyfriend is gay? Or want to talk about it as a couple? Chat online to a relationship expert from Relationship Hero who can help you figure things out. Simply click here to chat.