Relationships are all about the two Cs.
The two Cs – communication and compromise – are fundamental parts of every successful relationship.
This article explores the art of compromise, which ultimately comes down to a skillful ballet of negotiation in which top-notch communication skills are essential.
So… the two are inextricably linked.
The truth is, you can’t have a successful relationship without compromise.
Talk to any well-established couple and they’ll agree: the only way that two independent individuals can merge their lives seamlessly is through good old-fashioned give and take.
Quoting from a letter written by a Victorian mother to her daughter: “Learn the wisdom of compromise, for it is better to bend a little than to break.”
These wise words may have been written well over 100 years ago, but relationships and compromise go together like, well, a horse and carriage.
So, let’s take a look at the issues in relationships that regularly require compromise, then go through the no-compromise zones.
1. Money management.
Without a doubt, money is one of the trickiest areas to tiptoe through successfully in any relationship. But navigate it you must, if you want a successful relationship, according to marriage experts.
If you’ve chosen to share funds in your relationship, a compromise needs to be reached about where the money goes and who’s responsible for what.
Deeply unsexy though it may be, a fundamental part of any relationship has to be making these financial compromises.
And the more serious and committed your relationship becomes, the more complex the connection between love and money.
2. Hobbies.
Being in a relationship and preserving the status quo means that there’ll be things you have to do that you’d prefer not to.
Watching a show on TV that you’d never watch on your own, for example. Or going to a baseball game with your significant other when you’d rather be enjoying a little retail therapy at the mall.
Each can be a bit of a snooze-fest for one of you, but as long as your partner also compromises and graciously exchanges his/her own passions for yours in something like equal measure, this is a sacrifice well worth making, and one that successful couples embrace. According to Very Well Mind, compromising on how you spend your time together is vital for a successful relationship.
Couples who are committed to a healthy relationship see this time as an investment in their relationship.
But while such compromise is a healthy part of any strong relationship, couples who last the long haul make sure they maintain their own interests, at the same time as supporting their partner in theirs.
Your own interests help define you, and it’s easy to get swept into coupledom and lose your identity in the relationship.
Without realizing, you can find yourself deferring to your partner’s pastimes. Couples with healthy relationships stay mindful of not allowing their partner’s hobbies to take precedence over their own.
3. Parenting.
Here’s where your own upbringing is likely to influence your approach.
Your partner will bring different parenting experiences and therefore expectations into your relationship.
If you plan on having kids, it’s wise to discuss these important matters to make sure you’re on the same page. Couples who do this cope better when the time comes around.
Failing to agree to compromise on things like diet, bedtimes, discipline, and schooling, will only lead to additional strain on a relationship.
Taking the time to work out a holistic approach to raising kids pays dividends, not just in terms of the relationship, but for the children too.
4. Getting physical.
When starting out in a relationship, you probably just can’t get enough of each other, and intimacy is central to pretty much everything.
Once your relationship settles into a routine, though, you may well find that your libidos are not as well matched as you’d thought.
Everyone is different when it comes to the down-belows! One partner may want/need intimacy on a daily basis, whereas the other may only feel the urge occasionally.
It’s a no-brainer that romance is key to any lasting, loving partnership, and regular physical closeness marks the difference between that and, well, just friendship.
Clearly, an imbalance in libido calls for a compromise so that both parties’ needs are fulfilled without accumulating resentment and dissatisfaction.
5. Career goals.
Never is the two-way street of giving and taking more relevant than when it comes to careers.
Through the ups and downs of a relationship, there’ll be times when it’s necessary to make compromises to support a partner in their career.
Sometimes it’ll be vice versa.
The key is that neither partner should have to abandon their ultimate career goals for the sake of making a relationship work.
Successful partners understand that the relationship needs to flex around both of their professional ambitions.
6. Time keeping.
More often than not, one party in any relationship has a different approach than his/her partner to the matter of punctuality.
To one, being early for any appointment is a compulsion to the point where they actually feel late if they’re not early.
The other may feel that to be early is a waste of precious time during which they could have gotten so many other things done, and, therefore, they are habitually late.
Clearly, where there’s such a mismatch in approach to time management, a happy medium needs to be negotiated if the relationship is to thrive.
So what don’t successful couples compromise on?
Now that we’ve covered what successful couples do compromise on, let’s discuss the things they consider non-negotiable.
1. Their values and core beliefs.
Harley Therapy says our personal values are lines in the sand, that is, things we cannot cross without it causing harm. It’s unlikely that you’d be comfortable in a relationship with someone whose views are diametrically opposite to your own.
If you find yourself in a situation where your views do differ – and there’s nothing to say that you have to agree on everything – it’s important to stay true to your own core beliefs and values.
Healthy debate on these heartfelt topics can enrich your relationship, but successful couples don’t feel any need to compromise these self-defining beliefs in order to fall in line with their partner’s.
2. Their family.
Your significant other chose to enter a relationship with you and it’s you they love.
There’s nothing written in the statutes that they have to love your family too.
They must, however, accept that your relationship with your family is not open to compromise.
Sure, your own partnership takes precedence on a day-to-day basis, but if your partner asks or, worse still, expects you to continually compromise on your relationship with your family, that’s just not acceptable. Couples who make their relationships last understand and accept this as a non-negotiable.
3. Your dreams.
Unrealistic as many of them are, we’re all entitled to have dreams and to hold on to them even though there’s not even a glimmer of hope that they’ll come true.
But there’s no reason why you should be a) told that they are pointless, b) belittled for aspiring to the impossible, or c) expected to give them up. There is no place for that in a healthy relationship.
The deal with a partner is to give unconditional support and encouragement.
Your dreams, your prerogative.
Finally…
So, we’ve established that compromise is essential, but there are some very important points to bear in mind…
First, this needs to be a two-way street, with both partners doing their fair share of giving and taking.
If you feel as if you’re giving more than you’re receiving, or the compromises become sacrifices, it’s time to re-evaluate the situation.
Second, there are some compromises you should never be asked to make.
Someone who truly loves you would never ask or expect you to turn your back on the core principles and ambitions that define you.
Third, while compromise is inevitable, there’s a whole heap of difference between compromise and sacrifice.
Good compromises strengthen a relationship, whereas bad compromises only lead to disappointment, resentment, and bitterness.
