Self-entitlement is a troubling trait to confront in a person.
In essence, the individual perceives themselves as deserving of unearned privileges.
These are the people who believe life owes them something; a reward, a measure of success, a particular standard of living.
Their thoughts are consumed with their personal wants and problems, expecting others to cater to them while giving nothing in return.
It’s not quite a personality disorder, though it can resemble one at times.
You can probably tell when you are dealing with such an individual because they will exhibit the following 5 traits, each seemingly a distinct personality trait fueled by anxiety and an entitlement mentality.
1. Like the alphabet, I comes before U.
A sense of entitlement brings with it an uncompromising attitude. There is a lack of understanding of others’ needs and of certain social situations, accompanied by an expectation that you should be far more interested in their life than they are in yours.
Narcissism is at the very heart of this trait; the over-exaggerated sense of self-importance accompanied by fantasies of power, beauty and brilliance.
Compromises, that require one to meet others halfway, don’t exist in the world of the entitled. Everyone else is either competition – threatening their own success – or irrelevant.
Headstrong, forceful ‘my way or the high way’ thinking is a common attribute. A meticulous route to success is chartered and followed.
This course may be fruitful for them, but they are totally unaware of the carnage that lay in their wake, and they are in complete denial about holding any personal responsibility for their actions.
The belief that ‘it’s all about me’ is often instilled in the home, when, as children, their parents make them the center of their universe. Sadly, their route into maturity does not coincide with growth in their empathy.
Often, the self-entitled have become stuck in a mindset more reminiscent of a self-absorbed teen.
2. What’s yours is mine and what’s mine is my own.
The double standards that stem from a sense of entitlement can feel bewildering in a society built on reciprocity.
Whilst being unyielding to the requests of others, self-entitled individuals make unrealistic demands, oblivious that their personal happiness comes at another’s expense.
Just imagine that person you hold the door open for, but who never holds it open for you, not even when your arms are fully loaded and you get the idea.
Ungrateful attitudes are often directed at you after you have performed a good deed for them. You might constantly change your shift pattern to accommodate their holiday/children/personal appointments, for instance, but they never offer to return the favor, even when you really need it. The self-entitled often appear totally oblivious to the inconvenience they have caused you.
Additionally, their relationships tend to be one-sided and they can be incredibly lazy.
Socially expected norms are not performed, such as not helping to wash the dishes after a meal that has been cooked for them, or taking their turn making coffee in the office.
Development of the idea of sharing has not taken place. With all the focus and determination of a two-year-old, no shame or guilt curbs their demands.
3. Expectation of privilege is so great it leaves equality feeling like oppression.
A sense of superiority resides in the self-entitled. They have the intention to start from the top of the ladder, without the typical grafting, bottom-up approach that most others take.
Ever had someone cut in front of you in a supermarket queue, or reserve seating in a ‘purchase prior to eating’ fast-food restaurant – leaving you with food but no seat? Exasperating!
You have to look deeper, because an expectation of privilege can be hidden in the very essence of who we are: a higher rate of pay due to gender, preferential treatment at the bar due to age, or social opportunity due to race or class.
And when a self-entitled person doesn’t get the kind of treatment they believe they deserve, it leads to disappointment which then fuels further feelings and characteristics of entitlement.
They overrate their own achievements whilst simultaneously underrating yours, creating in their head ‘justification’ for their expectation of privilege.
As a parent, you soon figure out which other parents will happily ‘take’ the offer of a lift from you, when little Johnny has a party invite. This system works out great when you both take turns driving. Yet certain ‘takers’ never quite seem to have the opportunity to reciprocate.
And in situations where they are forced into taking their turn, they do so dramatically, making sure everyone is aware of their ‘great deed’.
It’s this sense of entitlement that eventually harms themselves. Ultimately, we distance ourselves from such people to limit the damage of their actions upon us.
This type of behavior would appear to be driven from an unrealistic view of the world, one that includes an assumption of favorable living conditions and treatment. Such distorted perspectives can negatively affect their confidence and relationships with others.
Such arrogant behavior might stem from childhood experiences or psychological reasons that could benefit from therapy to encourage positive changes.
4. An angry man/woman, who feels his/her anger is just.
The self-entitled are no strangers to confrontation.
Often known for fits of rage surpassing any tantrum a toddler may throw, their ruthless, egotistical stance allows them to believe this is justified. “I can’t believe I have to work with such morons” and other such inappropriate outbursts flow freely from their mouths.
The self-entitled, for instance, can never praise you for your promotion; instead, they believe (and make clear) that you gained it because you were ‘close with your manager/best of a bad bunch/about time you were promoted’.
Rage, and other volatile emotions that accompany a sense of entitlement, are often fuelled by underlying shame. The mask of entitlement may be used to cover a deeper need.
Like most bullies, the anger projected onto others is often driven from their own insecurities. Therapy or professional help can be crucial to address these issues and promote healthier interactions.
5. Poor little old me.
When dominant, aggressive behavior doesn’t help the self-entitled reach their goals, a case of the ‘poor me’s’ may break out.
Self-pitying attitudes coupled with manipulative and attention-seeking conduct makes their company draining.
Although consumed by the belief that social rules don’t apply to them, you can be sure they will loudly complain if they feel they are being short changed!
This often rears its head in team work. Let’s say a group of you are putting a presentation together. One person falls short of meeting their share of the hard work. Yet that same person expects the largest amount of credit when the project goes well. Furthermore, that individual will desert the sinking ship if it doesn’t.
This can often be derived from a behavior where their ‘wants’ are expressed as ‘needs’. They misinterpret their feelings as facts and others are often blamed for the situation they find themselves in. Their unmet expectations leave them feeling dissatisfied and chronically disappointed.
Behind all this presumptuous and self-important behavior is an individual who craves to be admired and adored. They are in constant need of validation from their peers, whilst simultaneously demanding respect.
So desperately full of insecurities, it is their own emotional distress they are trying to remedy through enforcement of their superiority.
Socially destructive qualities such as being overbearing, bossy, and pushy have isolated them from society, and in the end, even those near and dear learn to hold their guarded distance. Depression can set in when the wall of self-entitlement begins to crumble.
The underlying emotional dynamics of self-entitlement in others needs to be managed. Giving the shirt off your back would not be enough.
Recognize when you are being drawn into a ‘no win’ situation and gently extract yourself. “No, I’m sorry I am unable to meet at 4.00pm. We can reschedule to 5.00…”
Be firm, but fair. A halfway compromise from you is enough, but draw a line and be prepared to walk away.
But hold on just a second because what’s described above is only part of the picture.
You see, there are two types of entitlement. Exploitive entitlement is exactly what is described above, characterized most of all by the belief that you deserve special treatment. That you shouldn’t have to work as hard as others to get what you want.
Non-exploitive entitlement, on the other hand, is something many of us can perhaps agree with to some small extent. It is based upon the principles of fairness and self-worth. This person feels they deserve to be treated with respect by everyone, which is a healthy expectation to have. This person also believes they deserve to succeed and enjoy the finer things in life but that they need to earn them through hard work.
Ok, so what’s the downside to non-exploitive entitlement? Well, it’s that what a person deserves and what a person gets can be very different things.
Someone with this form of entitlement may work incredibly hard to get ahead in life—and believe they deserve to get ahead—but life doesn’t always reward their hard work. They may also not be treated with the universal respect they rightly feel they warrant.
They may then fall foul of some of the more negative behaviors associated with entitlement because they feel aggrieved at not getting what they feel they were ‘owed’ by the world, though this is merely one opinion and isn’t yet backed up by hard data.
There’s more to learn by reading the study, Are youths’ feelings of entitlement always “bad”?: Evidence for a distinction between exploitive and non-exploitive dimensions of entitlement.
Now to cast your eye upon your own soul. To some degree, we all have a sense of entitlement within us, but as with most personality traits, we sit at different points on a sliding scale.
Do you pay attention to the needs of others? Show an awareness of other people’s feelings and situations? Are you able to forgive those who have, either by intent or negligence, done you wrong?
Entitled traits are within us all, we can re-address the balance with humility and gratitude. Our personal and societal happiness relies on it.
You may also like:
- 9 Reasons The Self-Entitled Are Always Unhappy
- 9 Reasons Why You Should Never Date A Greedy Man
- How To Combat An Overblown Sense Of Entitlement
- 7 Ways The Emotionally Mature Individual Handles Difficult People
- Are You Mistaking Machiavellianism For Narcissism?
- 9 Signs Of Ungrateful People (+ How To Deal With Them)