Have you ever been discussing your family dynamics with your friends or colleagues, only to discover that they’re looking at you in abject horror? Many people who have grown up in toxic family environments don’t realize just how bad things were (or are) until they discover that other people have never experienced the same things that they have. What’s considered normal, everyday life in a toxic home is often shocking to those with healthy, supportive families. The dynamics listed below might seem normal to you but are actually quite appalling.
1. Insistence upon giving and receiving affection.
Many toxic families are insistent about being affectionate with one another. For example, some parents and extended relatives may insist upon getting a hug and/or a kiss from their kids before they will let them go and do what they want. Similarly, some spouses will demand a hug after they’ve wronged each other to make themselves feel better, regardless of whether their partner wants to be anywhere near them or not.
This can cause extreme discomfort and anxiety and teaches those involved that they have to show physical intimacy on demand in order to survive. If they don’t hug their partner or parent when they demand it, they may be denied food or shelter or may end up being punished until they see the error of their ways.
Living in this kind of environment teaches many people that the phrase “my body, my choice” is just a pipe dream. They aren’t allowed to have personal boundaries with those who are supposed to love and protect them the most, so they don’t see the point in trying to enforce them with anyone else.
2. Parents discussing mature subject matter with their kids.
This kind of behavior is referred to as “enmeshment”, and isn’t just uncomfortable for the children to experience: medical studies show that it can lead to emotional dysregulation and hypersensitivity to stress later on in life. In a toxic, enmeshed family, parents overshare information that’s inappropriate for younger members to deal with, and get overly involved in their children’s lives.
This can include treating them as friends and expecting them to be as emotionally supportive towards each other as peers.
I don’t know what it was like in your family, but in mine, I wasn’t just made aware of financial struggles from an early age but was also used as the family therapist from the age of 11 onwards. There wasn’t a molecule in my body that was equipped to handle information about my parents’ intimacy issues and extramarital affairs when I was that age, but this is the reality that many young people are subjected to in toxic family dynamics.
3. Threats of punishment if orders aren’t obeyed.
Many people turn to threatening behavior if they feel that they aren’t in control of a situation, and this can manifest in family life just as easily as in any other social situation. Children may be threatened with punishment or even violence if they don’t behave according to their parents’ wishes. And whilst most parents have resorted to milder threats of “no TV” or “no treats” at some point, it doesn’t actually teach a child anything valuable. They don’t learn why they should or shouldn’t do a particular thing, they just learn to blindly follow commands for fear of punishment. Parental threats can also leave you with low self-confidence as an adult. Research shows this type of parenting is particularly ineffective for neurodivergent children, such as those who are autistic, ADHD, or both (AuDHD). It’s likely to increase anxiety and masking and do much more harm than good.
Growing up in an environment like this can lead to serious codependency and people-pleasing behavior later in life. This kind of dynamic is also damaging when it happens between adult family members and is observed by younger children. They’ll grow up thinking that threats of punishment or violence are normal within a romantic relationship, and therefore can’t identify abuse when it happens to them.
4. Children getting no privacy.
Many parents either see children as extensions of themselves or as non-human entities who exist at their whim. As a result, they don’t understand why their kids should be allowed any privacy. Those parents will barge in on their kids any time they want to. They might walk in on them when they’re changing clothes or showering, read through their diaries or journals, and feel that they’re entitled to know everything about their kids on demand.
These are the same parents who will listen in on their children’s phone conversations or insist upon being present during therapy sessions to ensure they aren’t saying anything negative about the family. Furthermore, if the kid doesn’t behave as they’d like them to, they may punish them by removing the door to their room so they have nowhere to escape to (which is considered an invasion of personal privacy rights). Psychology Today stresses the importance of privacy in childhood and adolescence and touches upon how damaging it can be if young people aren’t granted enough of it.
5. Parentification of older siblings.
Some people joke about the fact that they were the third parent when they were growing up, but it’s not funny at all. The eldest sibling in a family — usually a daughter, but may also be a son in some cases — ends up being saddled with a tremendous amount of responsibility.
In addition to having to perform well in their school studies, they may be tasked with caring for their younger siblings: getting them ready for school, making them breakfast, packing their lunches, and even escorting them to and from daycare or school itself. Then, on top of their own piles of homework and study, they’ll have to do house chores, meal prep, and other household responsibilities. Parents are generally more permissive and lax with the younger siblings as they get older, while simultaneously adding to the eldest’s burden.
6. Never offering sincere apologies for wrongdoing.
Although the concept of forgiving and forgetting may be extolled by some, the reality is that when someone has wronged another, they need to apologize and make amends to show that they actually care that they’ve caused harm.
In toxic families, parents won’t admit to having done any wrong towards their children, nor will the adults apologize to one another for abusive words or behavior. If they feel bad for having done something awful, they might bring a snack like fruit or cake to the one they harmed, or buy them something they like as a consolation, but the words “I’m sorry” are never said sincerely.
If any apology is given, then it’s a non-apology in the vein of “I’m sorry, okay?! I’m obviously the worst parent who ever existed”, or “I’m sorry if you feel that I hurt you, but I only said/did that because you pushed me to do so.” This latter non-apology is a classic way of trying to make out like you are the problem, not them. They may even expect you to apologize for “making them behave that way.”
7. Giving constant criticism.
In some toxic families, the only interactions between people are critical ones. There isn’t a single aspect of daily life that evades criticism or mockery, with very little positive encouragement or reinforcement, if any.
People’s hobbies and personal interests will be insulted unless they’re making money from doing so. Their clothing and food choices are looked down upon, they’re mocked for the tiniest mistake, and everyone ends up walking on eggshells because they have no idea what kind of vitriol will be flung at them next. This can lead to severe self-esteem issues, which can encompass eating disorders, drug or alcohol abuse, or risk-taking as a means of escapism.
Furthermore, those who live with criticism are often quick to condemn others. This can lead younger family members to repeat these cycles within their own family relationships as they age.
8. Double standards about dishonest and deceitful behavior.
There are usually horrible double standards when it comes to lies within toxic family dynamics. For example, children will be punished severely if they lie to their parents, and spouses may not forgive one another for half-truths, yet some kids grow up never knowing how old their own mother is because she lies about her age, and that’s considered fine. Hell, one of my cousins didn’t know his biological father was still alive until he was in his forties: his mother had told him that his dad died before he was born, and only blurted the truth while insulting him.
Lying can also encompass dishonesty as to the reasons behind certain actions. For example, instead of letting the child know that they can’t visit their grandmother because their creepy, lecherous uncle is going to be there, the parents will just say “Because I said so”, and expect that to be enough.
Final thoughts…
Our formative conditioning certainly shapes the way we see and experience the world, but it doesn’t dictate every aspect of our being. Quite often, people who spent time in toxic families end up breaking generational cycles by being the polar opposite of what they experienced: they’re respectful and kind instead of demanding and abusive, because they don’t want to be anything like the people they grew up with. And why would they?
You may also like:
