Many of our aging parents grew up in an era in which people didn’t discuss their various ailments or personal struggles much — even with their own family members. As such, they were taught that suffering in silence was a virtue and that discussing their issues with their children showed too much vulnerability and might lead to disrespect. In reality, they’re likely desperate to talk to you about the things listed below, but either don’t know how to broach the subject or are terrified of what may happen if they do.
1. They regret the mistakes they know they made when you were growing up.
Most parents feel regret about the mistakes they made when their children were younger. Parents are human, and human beings are fallible creatures who often make mistakes. Hopefully, they learn from them, but they may still damage others during the course of their own personal growth and development — especially if they never learn how to apologize for their wrongdoing.
Their respective regrets will vary, depending on the type of parents you had, but can range from wishing they had prioritized spending time with you rather than doing household chores, to wishing they had instilled more independence instead of hampering your personal growth. Some might regret having been too strict with you, or not affectionate or supportive enough. While others may still be carrying immense guilt for forcing you to eat foods you despised, losing their tempers and striking you, or having screaming matches with their spouses while you were trying to sleep.
Regardless of what it is they regret doing, they may have no idea how to talk to you about all of this. Many carry immense shame and guilt, and can’t even bring themselves to think about the actions they regret, let alone talk about them.
2. They’re simultaneously afraid of dying, and afraid to talk about it.
According to Medical News Today, the majority of people on this planet are afraid of death and have difficulty broaching the subject with their loved ones. For some, it’s that they’re terrified that there may not be any kind of afterlife to look forward to. In other cases, they’re afraid of the pain that may be associated with death — especially if they’ve watched friends or family members suffer painful, lingering illness before dying.
These fears may prevent them from discussing their wishes regarding end-of-life care such as palliative and hospice options, as well as details regarding DNR requests, assisted dying, and so on. In fact, they may be so paralyzed by their fear of death that they’re avoiding things like making a will or addressing plans for funerary options.
3. Their health is worse than they let on.
A lot of our elderly parents fall into the “stiff upper lip” category, in which they deal with health concerns and personal issues with silent stoicism. They smile through their secret struggles and rarely let anyone know how serious things really are, until they’re at death’s door. I encountered this type of scenario when my aunt and I were catching up and discussing knitting projects, and she casually mentioned that she briefly died during a procedure two weeks before and had to be defibrillated back.
She simply mentioned it in an offhand way, like we were discussing recipes or gardening tips, and then carried on the conversation as if she hadn’t just dropped a bomb on me.
Your aging parents may not be telling you just how bad their health is because they don’t want to worry you. Alternatively, they might feel that if they avoid having The Talk with you, then things really aren’t that serious yet. They may brush off any inquiries about their health by saying they’re fine or that you worry too much, and then talk about the 10km walk they did that morning or the epic carpentry project they’re working on, instead of addressing the very sick elephant in the room.
4. They had intense struggles when you were growing up that they didn’t feel comfortable disclosing to you.
A significant number of people have childhood trauma, and can’t understand why their parents behaved badly towards them. All they have is their own perspectives about what transpired when they were younger, since their parents either didn’t divulge the motivations behind their behavior or were too volatile to approach about their actions. This makes it hard to forgive their parents and likely puts a strain on their current relationship with them.
Your aging parents might be desperate to tell you what was going on in their lives when you were growing up, but they’re terrified of the fallout that may occur from their confessions. There may have been abuse present that you weren’t aware of, or infidelities that may affect how you feel about your family members. Alternatively, they may have struggled with mental illness, financial difficulties, or any other number of issues that plague adult life.
5. They love you and they’re proud of you.
A surprising number of parents struggle with expressing these emotions, especially as they get older. This is particularly true of parents who were quite strict and/or critical when you were growing up, such as those who pushed you to excel in extracurricular activities as well as schoolwork, and for whom nothing ever seemed “good enough”.
These are parents who may have never told you straight out that they love you, especially if you’re from a cultural background where people have difficulty expressing emotion in this manner. Although they may have tried to show affection and praise to you in their own way, they may desperately want to tell you how they feel, but they don’t know how.
6. There are things on their “bucket list” that they’d like to fulfill, but they don’t want to seem needy.
They know they only have so much time left, and like most other people, there’s a list of things that they’ve always wanted to see or experience. That said, they may not have the financial or physical capability to take care of these things on their own, but they’re afraid of being seen as needy burdens if they reach out to you to help them achieve these last goals.
As such, they’re torn between desperately wanting to experience these things while they still can, and not wanting to ask for help to do so. Many of them grew up refusing “charity” from others (even family), and now they have to choose between their pride and their dreams.
7. They often feel like they’re useless.
We’ve all seen media that make fun of elders’ apparent inability to grasp modern technology. This trope is often used to get a laugh out of the audience, such as if granddad’s hearing aids pick up on his grandkid’s Bluetooth Call of Duty video game.
In reality, a lot of older people feel immense frustration and self-loathing about not being able to grasp and work with technology as it constantly changes and evolves. Many of us get frustrated when we’re getting used to a new Smartphone or operating system, and these struggles are far more challenging for those whose cognitive faculties or memories aren’t as sharp as they used to be.
Similarly, they may not be as physically capable as they were just a few years ago, either. As such, not only are they unable to contribute to family responsibilities the way they’d like, but they may also need help to remember how to use TV remotes or smart appliances. This leads to a sense of worthlessness and incompetence that can be absolutely devastating.
8. They’re losing independence at an accelerated rate and it terrifies them.
They know they aren’t as capable as they once were, but they’re afraid of losing independence completely if they acknowledge this and agree to a caregiver or an assisted living facility. This is especially true for those who have always been fiercely self-reliant but can no longer drive safely, or have mobility challenges due to physical instability, loss of balance or eyesight, etc.
They’re likely scared of what might happen to them if they don’t accept the help they need, but are equally afraid of losing other people’s respect because they’re no longer capable of taking care of themselves.
Final thoughts…
Quite often, we can tell a lot about what people are dealing with by the things they aren’t discussing. If your aging parents are avoiding certain topics (or changing the subject when they’re brought up), those are likely the things that are likely scaring them or making them uncomfortable. Don’t infantilize them about these issues or pressure them into discussing things they aren’t ready to broach yet. They’ll bring them up when the time is right, even if that means leaving you some epic letter to read after they’ve departed.
