We often hear (or read) about parents who are devastated that their adult kids have gone no-contact with them. They’ll insist that they did the best they could and their kids cut them off for “no reason”, but there are always contributing factors for this behavior, such as the 12 common triggers below.
1. Interfering in their life.
Many parents see their children as extensions of themselves rather than sovereign beings and will interfere in their lives as they see fit. This might involve offering unsolicited advice or downright meddling in their affairs. They don’t see this as overstepping boundaries but simply doing what they feel is best.
For example, they might call up their child’s partner and break up with them on their kid’s behalf because they disapprove of the relationship. Alternatively, they may show up at their adult child’s workplace and berate their employer for not giving them a raise. Psychology Today says that when parents engage in this interference in an attempt to control or sabotage their child’s work or social life, it’s a form of abuse.
2. Intrusive behavior.
Let’s say the parent is given a key to their adult child’s house in case of an emergency. Instead of respecting their child’s space, that parent will simply start going over there and letting themselves in whenever they like.
They might also show up at their child’s social gatherings that they weren’t invited to or emotionally blackmail their adult child about including them in their plans, only to punish them if they don’t behave as desired. According to Psych Central, this behavior is extremely common in narcissistic parents.
3. Infantilization.
Many parents continue to treat their offspring like children well into late adulthood. In their minds, their kids somehow stagnated at a particular age and should still be treated the same way. This can lead parents to keep speaking to their adult children as though they’re adolescents, even if they’re well into their 40s or 50s.
Furthermore, if their kids call them out on this inappropriate behavior, they’ll ignore what’s being expressed to them and admonish their adult child for using a tone they dislike.
4. Mistreating their child’s partner.
When someone chooses their life partner/spouse, they do so because there are thousands of traits that they love about that person. They love them dearly and want to build a life by that individual’s side. Furthermore, they’re generally fiercely protective of them and won’t allow others to mistreat them.
As a result, if their parents insult, disrespect, or otherwise abuse their partner, they aren’t going to tolerate that. They were stuck with their parents but chose their spouse, and they won’t allow the former to mistreat the latter. It’s a common reason that adult kids start to avoid their parents, and left unchecked, it could lead to them being cut off altogether.
5. Damaging their children.
Countless adults have long-term health conditions because of how their parents’ behavior damaged them when they were children. Some of these conditions may be physical, while others are mental or emotional, but either way, health professionals have confirmed that they were the result of childhood mistreatment.
Most of these toxic parents who damaged their offspring as children refuse to acknowledge their actions and invalidate their adult kids’ struggles instead. They’ll say that they’re a hypochondriac, being overly dramatic, or making up symptoms just to get attention.
6. Bringing up harrowing or humiliating issues of the past.
This often happens when the parent wants to be in a position of power or gets retaliatory over something. They’ll bring up the “funny memory” of when their now-adult child soiled themselves in public when they were seven, or how they walked in on their child having an intimate moment with a partner when they were teens.
Quite frequently, they’ll do this as an attempt to win over their child’s friends so they have allies against them in what they perceive as a battle of wills.
7. Horribly bigoted behavior.
Have you ever heard something so horrible come out of someone’s mouth that you never wanted to be in that person’s company again? While this often happens with acquaintances, coworkers, or romantic partners, it’s just as likely to happen with one’s own parents.
Sharing DNA with a person doesn’t oblige anyone to have a relationship with them. If someone’s parents are horribly bigoted, awful human beings, then it’s no surprise that nobody wants to spend time with them — including their own offspring.
8. Overly pushy religious zeal.
Some people are fervently religious throughout their lives, while others find religion after an ordeal of some sort. Either way, these people often insist on inflicting their beliefs on their children, insisting that they’re saving their souls or ensuring that they’ll be together in the afterlife.
If their adult kids don’t believe in the same things they do, they’ll often guilt-trip and manipulate them to try to get them on board. They may even go so far as to disrupt holiday celebrations or send them daily, passive-aggressive prayers or meditations.
9. Theft.
When we talk about parents stealing from their adult children, we rarely mean they’ve broken into their apartments to steal electronics. Rather, they dip into their bank accounts and trust funds or borrow money that they have no intention of paying back.
If their adult children confront them about this behavior, they’ll insist they’re entitled to it because their children “owe” them for keeping them warm and fed when they were younger — conveniently forgetting that they chose to have kids and were therefore responsible for their survival.
10. Ongoing abuse.
Childhood abuse can cause struggles that last long into adulthood. But sadly, in some families, parental abuse doesn’t end when kids grow up: it continues unabated well into adulthood. This is particularly true with narcissistic parents or with those who feel they need to dominate or compete with their kids instead of loving and supporting them.
There comes a time in many people’s lives when they no longer put up with their parents’ abuse and go no-contact with them for their own well-being. This is the point where the parents play the victim about the hurt caused by their horrible, heartless kids.
11. Constant neediness.
It’s important to help one’s parents (and vice versa), but when they’re constantly getting in the way of a person living their adult life, it can lead that person to sever ties in order to protect their sovereignty and freedom.
Their parents might sabotage their plans with fake health emergencies, show up at their workplace with a demand, call them 50 times a day, etc., causing their adult children no end of grief or leading to eventual breakdown/burnout. In some cases, cutting them off is necessary for personal survival.
Final thoughts…
It’s often said that people yell and argue when they’re angry, but when they’re done with that situation or person, they go silent instead. They don’t argue anymore; they simply remove themselves from the situation that has been draining them.
If a person has cut their parents out of their life, those parents likely embodied several (if not all) of the behaviors mentioned here. They may have felt that their actions were justified, but there are consequences to all of those actions, which those parents will discover when their adult children finally fall silent.
