Have you ever wondered why some people have incredibly strong bonds with their adult children, while others’ kids barely talk to them at all once they’ve left home? The key to creating (and maintaining) strong bonds with your children as they’re growing up is to put the following 12 behaviors into action:
1. Respect them as autonomous human beings.
They may be your children, but that doesn’t mean that you get to dictate every aspect of their existence. You created their physical forms, and they came through you, but they are sovereign beings with their own preferences, life goals, dreams, and so on.
Any time you think about what you were like when you were the age they are now, gauge how you would have preferred to be treated with how you treat your own children. This gives you the opportunity to course-correct as needed.
2. Help them navigate difficulties when and if they arise.
Your children are living in a very different world than the one you grew up in, and may struggle far more than you did with schooling, employment, and living independently.
According to Psychology Today, encouraging self-empowerment and independence is one of the best ways to help and support them at any age, as is educating yourself on current struggles as well as options to improve them. Remember: advising your child to take the same routes you took 30 years ago (which no longer exist) is unlikely to help them.
3. Respect their privacy.
If you ask adult children who aren’t close to their parents what caused the rift between them, many will say that their parents invaded their privacy and lost their trust forever. Some parents read their diaries, making them feel incredibly violated, or listened in on their conversations.
While it’s important to ensure that your children are safe, it’s just as important to respect their privacy. Nancy Darling Ph.D. illustrates why invading your children’s privacy is a huge trust violation, and how it can permanently damage your relationship with them.
4. Remember that you’re raising adults, not children.
The phrase “raising children” is a misnomer. Parents raise small human beings to be confident, capable adults who have all the skills and abilities needed to live independently once they reach adulthood.
You may be tempted to fuss over and baby them indefinitely by insisting on cooking for them, doing chores for them, and so on, but this arrests their personal development. Those who aren’t taught essential life skills often end up resenting their parents for being “too nice” and not teaching them what they need in order to thrive as adults.
5. Avoid being judgemental towards them.
If you’ve ever caught yourself asking your children “Why can’t you be more like…?”, stop and ask yourself how you would feel if they kept asking you why you couldn’t be more like one of your friends, or their peers’ parents.
You want to be valued and accepted for who you are, and so do they. Although you may have ideals that you’d like them to embody, that doesn’t mean that they’re on the same page. If you don’t want your kids to avoid you, try to appreciate them as the amazing, individual unicorns that they are.
6. Remember that there are many different paths up the same mountain.
Just because they write, cook, clean, dress, or organize things differently than you do, that doesn’t mean that their approaches are “wrong”. As such, don’t take it as a personal slight if they don’t do things the same way that you taught them.
They may have techniques that work for them that don’t work for you, and vice versa. This is especially true if they’re neurodivergent, as they’re doing their best to find solutions that are effective for their unique needs.
7. Don’t constantly remind them of their past wrongdoings.
To err is human, and every person on the face of the Earth has made some major missteps in their lives. If we’re lucky, we have the opportunity to learn from these mistakes, move past them, and not repeat them in the future.
People don’t have a chance to move past these missteps if others are constantly bringing them up or using them as leverage against them. Don’t shame your kids or try to manipulate them by perpetually mentioning things that have hurt or humiliated them, else they may decide to cut you off for good.
8. Make the effort to keep communication open and loving.
No matter what age they are, talk with them regularly to see how they’re feeling, what they’re thinking about, and so on. Take an active interest in their lives, and when you’re spending time with them, give them your full attention.
Continue this behavior as they get older with regular check-ins, even if it’s via texting or quick video calls. Making the effort to remain in contact with them shows them that you care, and makes them more likely to reciprocate.
9. Accept and encourage their individuality.
You may not love your children’s choices in entertainment, aesthetics, spirituality, or personal relationships—but they do. Accepting and encouraging them to find out who they are by exploring different things and seeing how they like them will make them more likely to turn to you when they’re feeling lost or confused.
Additionally, encouraging them to be confident in their individuality will help them become more resilient to life’s many challenges: they’ll be less inclined to cave in to peer pressure, and more likely to speak out if mistreated.
10. Be supportive of their endeavors.
Most of us have seen videos of how children’s faces have lit up with relief and delight when they see that their parents have shown up to watch them perform onstage. That joyful feeling doesn’t dissipate as those kids age.
If they’re running a marathon, make a big, sparkly sign and go cheer them on. Have they written a book? Read it and promote it amongst your social circles. Show your kids that you believe in them and care about the things that are important to them.
11. Get to know them for who they are, not who you think they are.
If someone were to ask what your children’s favorite colors, bands, films, or books are, would you be able to answer them? How about their hobbies or niche interests? Knowing these details requires paying attention to the things your kids care about, rather than assuming things about them.
If and when you see them immersed in something they enjoy, ask them about it. Even if you don’t understand the subject matter, what’s important to them is that you care enough to want to know more about it.
12. Admit when you’re wrong, and take action to make amends.
We all screw up at times, especially when we’re feeling overwhelmed. As such, if you’re unfair towards your children, own up to that. Explain to them why you behaved the way you did, and why it wasn’t okay.
Even more important is to take action to make amends for what happened. You’re showing them that parents are people too, and why it’s so important to make sure that your actions echo your words. They’re likely to respect that and mirror your actions in turn.
