You might have noticed that a lot of people who focus on the negative aspects of life insist that they’re “just telling it like it is.”
They claim that they’re simply being realistic, but that isn’t necessarily true.
Realists view things objectively, whereas pessimists view everything through a negative lens, believing that failure is inevitable.
If your personal views on the world have been erring on the side of negativity and despondency, you may be leaning more into pessimism land than the realistic middle road you think you’re traversing.
Here’s how to tell if you’re at the tipping point:
1. You have a knee-jerk reaction to dismiss positive spins on a topic.
You may be so focused on negativity that when you read a positive news story, or a friend tells you about positive progress they’ve made on something they’ve been struggling with, you immediately dismiss it.
Even though there may be a lot of evidence about the positives, you either refuse to acknowledge them or imply that they’re paltry compared to the overwhelming negativity associated with the topic or struggles.
This behavior is a cognitive bias known as “disqualifying the positive.”
Some people learn it because they were raised by caregivers who focused on their shortcomings rather than their achievements, whereas others learned it after experiencing numerous failures.
Essentially, by focusing on the negative and calling it realism, it hurts a lot less if hopes are dashed.
2. You unnecessarily quash other people’s joy with negative facts.
The other day, a woman posted on Instagram about how she had adopted a baby rabbit. She was overjoyed with her new little friend, and most people were being supportive and sharing in her delight.
One guy, however, responded with “you know they only live 7 years, right? Should have gotten a cat instead — they live longer.”
Even though that may be true, it was completely unnecessary (plus, there are many rabbits who live to 12 years and beyond, depending on breed).
If your realism is becoming pessimism, this sort of behavior will be familiar.
You may have some facts to work with that support your outlook on life, but it’s possible that you’re being selective and choosing to look at the more pessimistic end of the spectrum, rather than the hopeful one.
In addition, you may be stealing other people’s joy by offering your negative perspective as the only real one, and that runs the risk of alienating those around you.
3. Your response to goals or dreams (yours or anyone else’s) is assumed failure.
Maybe your best friend is finally ready to start the small business he’s been dreaming of for years.
He was approved for the loan, he rented the space, and your response is to tell him that 50% of businesses fail within 5 years.
Or your sister announces that she and her husband are trying for a baby, and you mention the failure rate at her age.
It’s possible that you aim this pessimism towards yourself too.
Maybe any time you’ve considered making major life changes, you’ve talked yourself out of them with realistic facts that point to imminent failure.
But the thing about a 50% failure rate is that there’s also a 50% success rate. Instead of focusing on that, however, your eyes are firmly fixed on the flipside.
4. You have no motivation because you don’t see the point in anything.
The current climate crisis is a good example here. With the way it’s unfolding, a lot of people are feeling incredibly disheartened.
They insist that there’s no hope for the future, so there’s no point in trying to improve the world with more eco-conscious choices. That time has passed, so they’re just going to live as they want and watch the world burn. And they call that realism.
But a realistic perspective looks at all the data involved.
It determines that, no, it won’t be easy to make big, positive changes happen, but that many small adjustments can lead to long-term positive change.
It’s a pessimistic perspective to state that there’s no point in even trying because it’s all going to fail.
Of course, this doesn’t just apply to climate change; it can apply to any endeavor that’s going to require some effort.
A pessimistic viewpoint paralyzes people instead of motivating them to get up and do their part to help make things better.
5. You cannot accept compliments.
When someone tells you that you look great, you may brush them off instead of thanking them and accepting the compliment with grace.
In your mind, the compliment was an insincere one because you feel that you don’t deserve it. To you, it comes across as a lie.
The same may go for your academic or work-related achievements: you believe you’ve fallen short of your own expectations, so you refuse to accept others’ encouragement or admiration.
While you may feel that you’re being realistic, you’re actually only seeing one perspective instead of acknowledging different perceptions.
I saw this sort of thing a lot when I worked as a personal trainer. A lot of people would give themselves a really hard time for not being in the shape they were aiming for. Meanwhile, their physiques were other people’s dream goals.
Focusing on negativity and pessimism isn’t being realistic if you don’t acknowledge that your truth isn’t the only one with any validity.
6. You undermine your achievements even when they are well-deserved.
You may come up with reasons to find the tarnished lining on any positive experience, and justify doing so as being realistic.
For example, let’s say you earn a promotion at work. Instead of acknowledging that you got promoted because you excel at what you do, you may dismiss it because you’re the only competent person on the team, and nobody else could do the job as well as you do.
Even though you may be more experienced or skilled than some of your colleagues, you’re choosing to focus on the negative here.
Instead of acknowledging that you’re good at what you do, you pessimistically assume that it’s only by default because everyone else is slightly worse than you are, when that’s not the reality at all.
7. You assume all people will behave the same way as someone who hurt you.
Many people talk about how they’ll never get into another relationship again after having been hurt by a partner.
They paint everyone who shares that partner’s traits (i.e., gender, cultural background, and so on) with the same brush, and pessimistically assume that since they treated them badly, everyone else will too.
But how likely is it really that all people who share some similar traits will behave exactly like someone who hurt you?
Not likely.
What’s more, taking this approach can prevent you from cultivating beautiful, meaningful relationships in your life.
Pain is inevitable, and people often hurt one another unintentionally. We’re all muddling through this mess as best we can, and we make a lot of mistakes.
Assuming that you’re being realistic while focusing entirely on a negative, pessimistic outlook is a tipping point that can result in you being very sad and lonely as you go through life.
8. You think life endeavors are futile because “we’re all going to die, so what’s the point?”
Pessimists are often so focused on the eventual end of things that they refuse to acknowledge the promise that the present moment holds.
They think it’s realism, because yes, death is inevitable, but so too is the present moment.
A perfect example of this would be a person who has given up on experiencing various things because they know they could die at any moment. They just sit and watch TV all day, not seeing a point in starting a project or pursuing a dream they may never finish or achieve.
In contrast, realists acknowledge that yes, they’re going to die, but they’re not dead yet, so they use that as impetus to do as much as they can, while they can.
One might be focused on achieving as many goals as possible within the boundaries of their personal limitations (or simply have fun while pursuing them!). Another might do charity work with the goal of doing as much good for others as they can, while they still draw breath.
They accept the reality of both living and dying.
Final thoughts…
Realism is seeing things for what they are without personal bias, whereas pessimism focuses primarily on unpleasant outcomes.
Often, those who insist that there’s no point in even trying to improve things use their pessimism as an excuse for not taking action. In contrast, realism acknowledges that trying may result in failure, certainly… but there’s also a possibility of success.
If you’re still in doubt, I’ll leave you with this to ponder: a pessimist will look at thousands of starfish dying on a beach and say there’s no point in helping because they can’t save them all. A realist will start putting them back into the water, because at least they can save a few.
Which are you?
