The effort paradox is one of the most frustrating things to experience. It’s what happens when something you’re dead set on achieving remains beyond your reach, no matter how hard you work and push yourself to attain it.
In a situation like this, where intense effort yields no result other than exhausting you to the marrow, the best approach is to let go.
At that point, contrary to instinct, the very thing you’ve been fighting for is likely to land in your lap of its own volition. Here are a few examples of when this paradox may occur:
9 times when trying harder gets you nowhere and letting go moves you forward:
1. When you feel that you have to be creative.
If you’ve done any type of creative endeavor, you’ll know that you can’t just flip a switch and make brilliance and ingenuity happen on command.
In fact, many artists and writers have expressed great despair when they’ve desperately wanted to work on a project, but seemed to have a block against it.
Trying to force your way through to be creative when you’re not feeling it never works. Instead, many people find it’s best to redirect their focus so that creativity can manifest obliquely.
Some people find that they get sudden “eureka!” moments when they go for a walk, cook a meal, do a puzzle, or anything else that requires different types of brainpower. The magic happens in the in-between spaces when they aren’t actively seeking it.
2. When something big needs to be done, but you have no energy or motivation.
We had a leak in our bathroom recently, and it caused a ridiculous amount of damage to the wall and flooring around the tub.
Repairing it all was a big, annoying, time-consuming endeavor that I had no real desire to do. As a result, I tried to force myself to do it when I was tired and already worn down, and ended up making mistakes that required even more time to redo.
Rather than make the same mistake twice, I decided to shift my mindset. Instead of seeing it as one big urgent task that needed to be completed immediately all in one go, I chose the “grease the groove” approach and worked on it a little every day or so.
That way, the monumental task was chipped away bit by bit. Before I knew it, all that was left to do was to finish some aesthetic touches.
3. When you can’t sleep.
It’s a rather frustrating joke that when you’re exhausted but can’t sleep, trying to force yourself to get that much-needed rest will have the opposite effect.
In a situation like this, letting go of the idea of trying to make yourself rest and taking a different approach is usually the best bet.
For example, you can put on a rather boring audiobook to listen to with the intention of just relaxing and listening to the story, and you’ll likely end up falling asleep in no time flat.
Ironically, releasing investment in the outcome (sleeping) often allows you to relax enough to let it unfold naturally.
4. When you feel obligated to be happy.
You can’t force authentic happiness, no matter how hard you may try to do so.
Yet most of us have been in situations where we were expected to smile and have fun when we’ve had no interest in doing so, like if someone threw us a surprise party when we were stressed with work or personal issues.
The more you try to force yourself to be happy and have a good time, the worse you’ll often feel.
In situations like these, the best course of action is often to let go of happiness as the ideal and instead aim for neutrality: don’t try to force yourself to behave like you’re having a great time, as that’ll be as awkward and uncomfortable for those around you as it is for you.
Instead, find one thing that you don’t feel negatively about and focus on that. Catch up with a friend you don’t mind talking to, or indulge in the great cheese assortment.
You’ll often find that by reducing your expectations to neutrality, you’ll experience more joy (or at least less misery) than you anticipated.
5. When you’re trying to force love for or attraction to someone.
Some partnerships look great on paper, but that doesn’t mean sincere attraction or emotional connection will follow.
As such, if you’ve met someone whom you should click with effortlessly, but that chemistry just isn’t present, you may feel as though you could feel something with this person if you only tried hard enough.
This rarely works, however.
Even if you lie to yourself and everyone around you, you’ll probably only be able to maintain that masquerade temporarily.
Romantic feelings simply cannot be forced.
What you can do, however, is to let go of the idea of what you should feel — and for whom — and let love happen when both the time and connection are right.
In fact, you may be pleasantly surprised to discover where and how it arrives, as it may be in a form you never expected.
6. When you want to alleviate overwhelming emotions and calm down.
If a person has ever told you to “just calm down” when you’ve been feeling anxious or upset, you know that’s about as helpful as a blanket in a heatwave.
Putting focused energy and intent into alleviating intense emotion usually has the completely opposite effect. The more you focus on trying to stop crying or panicking, the more likely you are to feel even worse.
The key here is refocusing your mind and energy elsewhere, so you aren’t fixating upon calming your emotional maelstrom. For example, doing math times tables or going through the alphabet and listing a different fruit or country for every letter.
After doing that for a little while, you’ll realize that your emotions have calmed themselves without any effort on your part.
7. When you’re trying to be liked or recognized by others.
Many of us have encountered people we’ve labeled as “try-hards”. These are individuals who are so keen to be thought of highly by their chosen social group that they make those around them uncomfortable with their efforts.
For example, they may agree with others a bit too eagerly instead of offering their own opinions, laugh too loudly or enthusiastically at jokes, brag about personal achievements, try to force familiarity too quickly, and so on.
In reality, the best way to cultivate strong connections to others is to be yourself and let everything fall into place as it’s meant to.
We find our “tribe” by being real and by getting to know them slowly. Bonds can’t be forced, and true rapport develops over time.
Similarly, if you want people to admire you for your skills or accolades, let them do so of their own volition, not because of your self-aggrandizing.
By letting go of personal wants and letting things unfold naturally, your relationships will be far more genuine and fulfilling.
8. When you really want to succeed in an athletic endeavor.
How many times have you missed your target when playing some type of sport? When you’re intensely invested in the outcome of an effort like this, you may overthink your actions or be hesitant in your movements, and that can almost guarantee failure.
Whilst effort in practicing is of course vital to hone a skill, detachment from the outcome is just as crucial.
This is an important lesson I learned when I was doing archery in my youth. If I relaxed and let go of attachment to whether I hit the target or not, my arrows were far more likely to strike true than if I obsessed over my aim and technique.
9. When you’re chasing inner peace.
It can feel frustrating when you’re aching to find the peace you’ve been seeking for so long, only for it to continue to elude you. This experience is rather like feeling intense thirst, except the glass of cold, sweet water you’re aching for is just beyond your grasp.
In Buddhism, it’s recognized that the act of chasing anything implies desire and attachment to it. These are the root causes of suffering, and therefore the act will only extend said suffering.
As such, instead of chasing the butterfly-like state of peace you’re seeking, allow it to come to you when the time is right by accepting the here and now.
It’s only by letting go and relaxing into what is, without attachment, desire, or aversion, that the peace you’re seeking will find you.
Final thoughts…
The key to the effort paradox is to let go without giving up.
You can still have a goal in mind, but let go of the intense drive to achieve it so it can flow when it’s ready.
Like holding mercury (which obviously you shouldn’t do), the tighter you try to squeeze and grip it, the more likely it is to escape through your fingers.
In contrast, if you relax, refocus, and sit quietly, the quicksilver will draw itself back and re-form into a perfect bead in the very palm of your hand.
