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Being on the end of an accusation feels pretty rubbish – add to that the fact that it’s completely false, and you probably feel upset and frustrated.
There are many reasons why your partner might be accusing you of things, and there are also many ways to deal with this and move forwards in your relationship…
1. Understand where the accusation is coming from.
It can be very weird to be accused of something that, to you, is completely out of the blue.
If your partner is bringing it up, however, it’s likely that they’ve been thinking about it for a while and have some reason for believing it to be true.
Talk about where the accusation is coming from. Do they think you’re cheating on them? Do they think you’re lying to them? Ask them why.
They might have seen a text on your phone and misinterpreted it, or overheard a conversation about you and assumed the worst.
Try to keep calm in this situation, however bizarre it may seem to you! You have done nothing wrong and have nothing to hide, so keep your voice level and let your partner know you’re present and you understand that this is an important issue to address.
You don’t have to validate their accusations to validate their feelings.
2. Evaluate your behavior.
We’re not saying it’s necessarily your fault that your partner has some trust issues, but are there things you’re doing that might be triggering or worsening those issues?
If you’re very secretive with your phone or are always having hushed phone conversations that end abruptly when they walk in the room, it’s understandable that they’re a bit confused by what’s going on.
If you’ve lied or cheated in the past, it may be causing your partner to wonder if it’s happening again – especially if your behavior has changed and is similar to how it was when you cheated before.
If the relationship has shifted recently, they’re within their rights to wonder if something is happening. Maybe you’ve been avoiding them of late, or you haven’t had sex for a long time.
It’s fair enough that they’re worried something might have happened, but it’s not fair for them to start accusing you of things.
Still, it’s worth checking to see if you might be giving off a certain attitude without realizing it, or considering why your behavior may have changed.
If they think you’re cheating because you don’t want to have sex with them anymore but it’s actually because you’re stressed at work, try to get better at communicating this kind of thing.
It’s not your fault that they’re accusing you of cheating, but there are ways you can clear the air before the situation spirals down into an argument.
3. Communicate openly.
The best way to let your partner know you’re trustworthy is to be honest with them.
If they think you’re texting a girl from work and you are – be honest. It may genuinely just be as friends, but don’t lie about it. As soon as you start to cover things up or hide things from your partner, you’re giving them more reason to feel anxious.
You can also let them know how this all makes you feel. It’s not nice for someone to think you’re capable of horrible things, or for them to believe you would want to hurt them.
Make it clear that you value your relationship, but also let them know that this is upsetting for you too.
Ask how they would feel if you accused them of something and remind them that you don’t deserve to be treated as guilty when you’re innocent.
Communication of this sort will go a lot more smoothly and be easier for the both of you with the help of a relationship counselor. We recommend the online service provided by Relationship Hero. You can talk to each other with a neutral third party guiding the conversation to keep it as calm and productive as possible. Click here to chat to someone now or arrange a sessions for a date and time to suit you.
4. Try to be compassionate.
However hard it may seem, try to show compassion toward your partner. Their ex may have cheated on them or they may come from a home that was full of arguments and lies.
There will be something that is causing them to distrust you – and it’s likely to be coming from them, not you, if you haven’t actually done anything wrong.
Do your best to be understanding and work through some of these issues together.
By making an effort to talk to them about their insecurities and worries, you’re showing how committed you are to the relationship. This in itself may alleviate a lot of their fears.
5. Make compromises – but set boundaries.
While it’s unhealthy to change your life completely for another person, you can agree to some compromises you’re both comfortable with.
If your male partner hates that you go for drinks with your male boss, agree to go less often.
You shouldn’t need to stop seeing people completely, but it’s okay to meet in the middle. This shows that you want to ease your partner’s worries, but that you’re also not guilty and therefore shouldn’t have to stop doing things you want to do.
As long as things are strictly friendly between you and whoever you’re seeing, you shouldn’t feel the need to cut them out of your life. It’s considerate, however, to understand why your partner may be worried and to do what you can to make some compromises.
It can be hard to change your behavior when you’re not guilty, and it’s difficult to not take things personally when your partner has trust issues.
Don’t let this turn into emotional manipulation – yes, you should stop hanging out with your ex who you know still fancies you; no, you shouldn’t have to stop seeing your friends just because they’re attracted to people of your gender.
You shouldn’t need to let someone go through your phone – and it does highlight their trust issues. Regardless of whether or not they think you’re up to something, you still deserve some privacy.
It’s not that you’re hiding something; it’s that you’re a human being and it’s your phone. You might not be cheating, but you also might not want them to read a message you sent their friend in the heat of an argument with you!
6. Know when to walk away.
Facing false accusations of being a ‘bad’ partner or person can really take its toll.
It’s not nice to be made to feel guilty all the time when you haven’t done anything to deserve it. If you really love your partner, you might feel like it’s worth riding this out. It could be a one-off that naturally goes away.
However, if it’s happening more and more regularly and it’s affecting how you feel about your relationship and your life, you need to consider if it’s worth it.
If they don’t trust you and you’ve openly communicated, agreed to some compromises, and they still can’t let it go, there isn’t much more you can do.
At some point, you need to acknowledge that their trust issues have nothing to do with you.
Sadly, some things like this will just never get better until the other person acknowledges and addresses their trust issues. You do not owe them your time or energy while they work on this, no matter how much you love them.
If you choose to stay, fair enough. If you choose to walk away, do not feel guilty! You are protecting yourself by leaving a situation that is affecting your life and that shows no signs of getting better.
They may be devastated when you leave, but it might be the kindest thing you ever do for them, as it may encourage them to seek the help they need.
Still not sure what to do about your partner’s false accusations? This sort of thing is more easily dealt with when there is a neutral third person to listen to both parties and mediate the conversation. So we really would recommend seeking out a trained relationship counselor. Why not chat online to a relationship expert from Relationship Hero who can help you figure things out. Simply click here to chat.
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