How To Stop Needing Constant Reassurance In A Relationship

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So, you’re in a relationship. Or maybe you’re currently single, but would like to find someone to love, and to give you the love you deserve in return.

But you have a problem. Whenever you’re romantically involved with someone, you need them to reassure you constantly. Reassure you that they love you and that they aren’t going anywhere.

Perhaps this is causing trouble in your relationship, or has done so in the past.

After all, if you constantly doubt your partner’s feelings for you and are asking them to set your mind at ease again and again, that can be very tiring for the both of you.

Just imagine if the boot was on the other foot.

If you were feeling secure in the relationship but your partner never felt the same way and needed you to constantly make them feel better, it would probably make you feel more than a bit sad and frustrated.

So, what can you do about your need for reassurance?

It’s okay to need reassurance.

Before I go into how you can start feeling more secure in your relationship, it’s important for me to remind you that it’s totally okay to need reassurance now and again. We all do.

After all, you’re only human and you’re not a mind reader. And you will always have ups and downs and moments when you’re more emotionally vulnerable than others.

You can’t always be expected to know exactly how your partner is feeling, and if you’re a bit vulnerable or your relationship is going through a rough patch, then it’s totally normal to struggle a little with insecurity.

This is absolutely fine when it’s just an occasional thing. It definitely isn’t something your partner should make you feel bad about.

They should be happy to reassure you, and maybe even do something special to demonstrate their love, on top of the things I’m sure they’re already doing every day, even if you struggle to see them.

But if you find that you’re looking for reassurance from your partner more often than not, it can start to take its toll on the relationship.

Why do you need reassurance?

If you’ve identified this as a problem, you’re probably wondering where this need came from.

Or perhaps you already know.

It might be because you’ve been let down by the people you love in the past.

Perhaps your parents or caregivers didn’t show you the kind of love a child needs, and so you grew up with an anxious attachment style and abandonment issues.

Or maybe it comes from a past relationship which you thought would last, but then they betrayed your trust or broke up with you out of the blue, really knocking your confidence and self-esteem.

Either way, you’re now fairly convinced that, at any moment, your current partner is just going to change their mind and break up with you.

You try to put it out of your mind, but you struggle, and you watch them closely for signs that they’ve got bored or fallen out of love with you.

So, you seek their constant reassurance that they aren’t planning on going anywhere without you, and that they still feel the same way about you.

Living with this anxiety is tiring and wearing for the both of you. It means that you’re constantly on edge and paranoid, trying to read into everything they do and say.

And even if your partner is the most patient person in the world, they won’t be able to keep reassuring you forever.

There will come a point, particularly if you’ve been together for a long time, that they just won’t know how to reassure you anymore.  

4 key steps you can take. 

If you want the relationship you’re currently in – or future relationships if you’re single – to thrive, there are certain things you can do to help calm this damaging constant need for reassurance.

Things that will make you happier in yourself and also be hugely beneficial for your relationship.

1. Reflect on where this need comes from.

The first and potentially most important step in working past this is to try to put your finger on exactly where this need is coming from.

The only way you can change this behavior is by going right to the root of the problem.

This might not be easy, as it could involve facing up to and accepting some things in your past, or things about yourself, that you’d rather not think about.

You could reflect on this by writing it down or talking to a trusted friend about it. Or you might feel that you could do with some professional support, talking it through with a therapist.

Whether you write it down or say it out loud, putting your concerns and worries into words will help you to process them and get to the bottom of them. 

2. Remember that your whole happiness should never depend on your partner.

Too many people pin their entire happiness on their romantic relationships.

And whilst romantic love is wonderful and relationships can be incredibly fulfilling, you should never put the whole burden of your happiness on another person’s shoulders.

Yes, your relationship should make you happy, but your happiness is not their responsibility. That’s too heavy a weight for them to carry.

If your relationship is the center of your world and you think you could never be happy without them, it’s no wonder you worry about losing them.

So, it’s your responsibility to create a life for yourself that doesn’t revolve entirely around your partner. Work on your relationship with your family, and don’t neglect your friends in favor of your partner.    

Throw yourself into your career, and if you’re not doing something that fulfills you, think about whether there’s anything you could do to change that.

Practice plenty of self-care, and stick with, or get back into, the hobbies and interests that you’re passionate about and make you smile. Enjoy activities with your partner, but make sure you both have time and space to do your own thing too.

The happier you are in yourself, the more you’ll be able to give in your relationship, and the less reassurance you’ll need.

You’ll know that no matter how much you love your partner, your universe wouldn’t fall apart if they left you.

You’ll feel stronger and more capable, and become less emotionally dependent on your partner, which will mean your relationship will be far stronger too. 

4. Recognize your love language.

We all have our own unique ways of expressing our love for someone.

Some of us use words, whereas some of us express ourselves through physical affection. Some of us give thoughtful gifts, some of us make sacrifices, some of us work hard, some of us cook, some of us organize surprises… the list goes on.

We all have our own small ways of showing our love for the most important people in our lives, consciously and subconsciously.

Think about how you express your love, and then think about how your partner does the same thing.

Chances are, the two of you don’t currently match up.

If you’re going to be happy in love, you need to accept that the way you feel loved is not exactly the same as how your partner shows love.

Whilst you can both work on this and find ways to express love in the other’s love language as well as your own, there will never be a perfect match here.

This doesn’t mean that they don’t love you; it just means that they show it in different ways to you.

Find out more about Love Languages here: The Five Love Languages Explained: Understand What They Each Mean

5. Think about all the ways your partner shows you they love you.

Now that you’ve thought about their love language, pay attention to the ways they show their love for you every single day. 

If your love languages are different, there’s a good chance that you’re missing all the ways that they try to show their love for you, deliberately or automatically.

When they bring you that cup of tea in the morning, help you make an Excel spreadsheet, or make an extra effort with your difficult sister, recognize it as the sign of love it is.

Try to stop expecting them to show their love in the same way you do, and look at things through their eyes. You should soon start seeing things that reassure you every day.

It’s all down to you.

The power is in your hands. You can say goodbye to your constant need for reassurance if you really try, whether you do it on your own or with the help of a professional.

But whatever you do, don’t expect to be able to rid yourself of this behavior overnight.

Change such as this takes time and a lot of determination, but if you want to be happier and more secure in yourself, and you want this relationship to last, then it’ll be worth it.

Still not sure what to do about your need for constant reassurance from your partner? Chat online to a relationship expert from Relationship Hero who can help you figure things out. Simply click here to chat.

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About Author

Katie is a writer and translator with a focus on travel, self-care and sustainability. She's based between a cave house in Granada, Spain, and the coast of beautiful Cornwall, England. She spends her free time hiking, exploring, eating vegan tapas and volunteering for a local dog shelter.