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You think you’ve made a mistake. You’ve broken up with someone, and now you’re really regretting it.
But, if you’re honest, you’re pretty lost and you’re not entirely sure of your true feelings.
Do you really want them back?
Would it last this time around?
Could you even get them back if you tried?
You’re reading this article because you know this isn’t something you should take lightly.
If you’ve broken up with someone, chances are you’ve really hurt them, and if you love them, then the last thing you would want to do is hurt them even more.
So, this is a decision you need to think about carefully before you do anything.
The first step is to…
Get to the bottom of your regrets.
The very first thing you must do is to analyze these feelings you’re having. Breaking up with someone is a massive decision, and it’s totally normal to have wobbles about it afterwards.
If you broke up with your boyfriend or girlfriend for a concrete reason, like infidelity or betrayal of any kind on their part, then at least you’ve got that to hold onto when you start worrying about whether you made the right decision.
But if you just fell out of love with them or had a feeling deep down that something wasn’t right, then it probably took you a long time to work up the courage to break up with them, and it’s only natural to have second thoughts.
The key is learning to tell the difference between when you’re just missing your ex and when you’ve actually made a mistake.
Ask yourself honestly whether you really miss them as a partner, or if you just miss them as a friend. We spend so much time with our partners that they can leave a big hole in our lives when they’re gone, even if we know deep down that the relationship wasn’t right.
Don’t shy away from the truth here. Is it really them you’re missing, or do you just miss being in a relationship full stop? Is it the companionship, the support, the cuddles?
What is it about them you really miss? What makes them different from everyone else? What do you love about them?
Did you get the closure you need when things ended? Do you think that could be what you’re searching for? Do you just need answers?
Or are you just overwhelmed by your new reality and want your old life back, even if, when you’re honest with yourself, you know that it wasn’t right for you?
Take some time out to examine your feelings and face up to the truth, no matter how hard you find it.
You might find it best to write all this down, or there might be a trusted friend you can talk things out with who will help you process your thoughts.
Next, it’s time to…
Reflect on the relationship.
Now that you’ve gotten a handle on your feelings, it’s time to take the relationship out of its box and examine it.
Before you try to revive a past relationship, you need to know if it’s really worth saving.
If you get back together, is there a real possibility that you’ll stay together long term?
Or are you just saving up more suffering for further down the line?
The key here is to think about what spurred the breakup in the first place.
Was it just the result of a silly fight? Could you have worked the problem out? Were things fine up until then, or had problems between you been brewing for a long time?
If it was a decision you’d been thinking about for a while and not just a mistake in the heat of the moment, what were your reasons for saying goodbye?
Were they actually based on problems with the relationship that you’d tried to solve, or was it more about you?
If it was something they did that brought the breakup on, like infidelity, then are you sure you could truly forgive them for it?
Were you driven to the breakup by your anxiety, or other issues that have everything to do with you, and very little to do with him or her?
You also need to get serious and consider the future: do you really think the two of you could stay together in the long-term?
Do they share your life goals? Where do you picture your relationship in 10 years’ time?
If you believe in marriage and/or want kids, do they feel the same way? Are there any deal breakers that would, sooner or later, rock your foundations?
Getting back together is a big deal and means you’re willing to commit to this relationship.
If you’re not willing to think about the long-term, that’s a sign that you shouldn’t be trying to save it.
If your regret is not genuine: letting your ex go.
So, you’ve asked yourself some very tough questions, and hopefully you’ve got some answers.
These things can be tough to face up to, so make sure you go easy on yourself and take plenty of time to think. If you rush this decision, you could have even bigger regrets later on.
But if it’s become clear that, deep down, you don’t see a future with this person, it’s time to let your regrets go and move on.
This won’t be easy, as you’re probably finding it hard to stop thinking about them. When you’ve just broken up with someone, everything you see reminds you of them, and it’s hard to stop your mind from dwelling on everything that’s happened between you.
Just know that, cliché as it might sound, time will help. As the days pass, your doubts and regrets will slowly leave you, and you’ll see that you’re better off as you are.
You’ll start living for you, the reasons that you broke up with them will become clearer, and you’ll move forwards.
If your regret is genuine: getting them back.
You’ve realized you made a mistake, and now you’ve decided that you have to at least try to get them back.
Of course, you know there are no guarantees in this life, especially when it comes to love. The sad fact is that just because you’ve decided you want this person back, doesn’t mean they’re going to feel the same way.
Remember, you broke up with them, and if there was real potential and love between you, the breakup probably cut them deep.
Keep your expectations low, but if you really want them back then give it your best shot. After all, you’ve got nothing to lose, and everything to gain.
Here are a few tips for how to go about it.
1. Scope out the situation.
Rather than just diving right in and ringing them up, do what you can to find out the lay of the land. Check in with them, if the two of you are in contact, and gauge their initial reaction.
If the two of you have mutual friends that you really trust, you could ask them how your ex is doing.
They might be able to tell you if they think your ex is missing you, or if they seem to be thriving without you or have moved on to someone new.
This mind sound a bit juvenile, but if you trust these mutual friends and you haven’t seen your ex in a while, you might even be able to ask them whether they think you have any chance of winning your ex back.
An honest opinion from someone who knows both of you could help you to see whether there really is hope.
2. Ask them if you can speak face to face.
In these situations, it’s far better just to be upfront about things.
Rather than starting to message your ex regularly to see how they respond, flirting with them and, most likely, confusing them, once you’ve made contact, it’s best to get straight to the point and put your cards on the table.
Ask them if the two of you could meet up to speak face to face. If they say no, then you’ve already got your answer. If they say yes, then agree to meet on neutral ground.
3. Leave your pride at the door.
It’s so important not to let your ego get in the way when you’re trying to win someone back. If you made a mistake breaking up with them, be honest about that. Don’t try to save face.
If you can remove your pride from the equation, you’re far more likely to get the girl or guy back.
4. But not your self-respect.
Leaving your pride out of it doesn’t mean you should leave your self-respect out of it too.
You need to be able to accept that you’ve made a mistake, but you shouldn’t have to grovel or beg them to take you back.
You need to make your feelings clear, without letting any signs of desperation show because, let’s be honest, desperation is never attractive, and you’re worth more than that.
5. Be patient.
It’s important to accept that your ex might not be able to give you an answer straight away.
If you broke up with your boyfriend or girlfriend, this has probably come totally out of the blue, and just as you’ve taken time to think, they’ll need to do the same.
Don’t pressure them to give you an answer and give them all the time they need to decide whether getting back together is the right thing for them and for you both.
They might be able to tell you straight away, but they might need a few days to weigh things in the balance. You’ve already had your time to think and reflect; now they need theirs.
6. Respect their decision.
The sad fact is that they may well say no, and you need to be prepared for that.
You don’t know what’s happened since the breakup, and they may have realized that you weren’t right for each other, or they might realize it’s impossible for them to trust you again.
If they decide that it’s over once and for all, make sure you’re respectful and accepting, and wish them well.
Who knows, the two of you might be able to be friends in the future when your feelings have changed, but for now, you’ll have to accept that it isn’t a good idea for you to be in contact given how you feel.
If they decide to give the relationship another shot, that’s wonderful. May you have all the luck in the world this time around. Make sure you don’t take it for granted and learn from your mistakes.
And if they decide otherwise, then it’s time to focus on you. On who you are as an individual without your ex in your life, and all the other wonderful people and things you’re surrounded by.
Getting over someone is never easy, but you’ll get there. And when love next comes calling, you’ll have learned from what went wrong last time and never let them go.
Still not sure whether you truly regret the breakup, or want help getting your ex back? Chat online to a relationship expert from Relationship Hero who can help you figure things out. Simply click here to chat.
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