“He Doesn’t Comfort Me When I Cry” (10 Reasons Why + What to Do)

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When you cry, you’d expect your partner to hold you, wipe your tears away, and tell you that everything is going to be okay. Instead, he just ignores you and doesn’t seem to care that you would like nothing more than for him to comfort you.

Isn’t he supposed to make you feel better? Well, probably, but maybe there’s a good explanation for his lack of empathy.

You are going to learn the possible reasons why he doesn’t seem to care about your feelings, as well as the ways you can approach this problem and find the solution.

Things might not change so easily, but as long as your partner is willing to put some effort into it, you can have a healthier relationship.

Have you heard of Relationship Hero? It’s exactly what you need in your current situation. It includes regular sessions with a dedicated relationship expert (by yourself and/or as a couple) who will give you advice and strategies that are tailored to your unique needs and based on their years of experience and training. They will help you set and smash goals related to communication, conflict, connection, and more. Start your journey now and discover how to deepen and sustain the connection between you and your partner.

10 Reasons Why Your Partner Ignores You When You Cry

Tears come when we’re sad and leave us feeling vulnerable, but they can cause some people to back away instead of reaching out to comfort us.

The thing is, not everyone has a healthy attitude toward crying. Many men were raised to think that crying is a sign of weakness.

On the other hand, maybe your partner truly doesn’t care enough about you to be concerned when you cry. He might even assume that you are using tears to get something from him.

There are many reasons why your partner might ignore you when you cry, so keep reading and see what applies to your situation.

1. He doesn’t know how to comfort you.

Some people simply aren’t good at comforting others. Maybe your partner is simply clueless about what to do when you cry, and he feels too awkward to try to wipe away your tears.

Solving your problem could be as easy as letting him know what you would like him to do in those situations and helping him feel more comfortable doing it.

Maybe he is not used to it, and he just needs some practice. This is especially true if no one ever cared when he cries, if he ever cries in front of others.

Some people, especially men, aren’t comfortable with crying in general, but more on that later.

2. He lacks empathy.

Is your man capable of understanding and sharing emotions with other people?

If he has no empathy for others, it should come as no surprise that he shows none for you and your tears.

He has trouble relating to you and feeling what you feel, but that doesn’t have to be such a huge problem. Learning to be more empathetic is not easy. Your partner would have to be willing to put a lot of effort into it.

Lack of empathy isn’t the worst reason for him to not care when you cry. It’s certainly better than if he didn’t care about you to begin with.

3. He doesn’t know how to deal with strong emotions.

Many men find it hard to deal with emotions, whether it’s their own or their partner’s. While hugging you when you’re hurting might come naturally to some men, others will find it difficult because they don’t know how to react to such strong emotions.

How does your partner react to other emotional situations? Does he cry sometimes?

If he’s the strong silent type that likes to keep quiet about his own emotions, it’s not surprising that he can’t react properly to yours.

If he gets quiet and distant in all emotional situations, especially negative ones, his problem is not about your tears.

On the other hand, if he only ignores you when you cry, the reason is probably something else.

4. He thinks crying is wrong.

As already mentioned, some men were raised to think that there’s something wrong with crying. They often think that it’s a sign of weakness and that it’s not manly to cry, or, at the very least, that crying is unimportant and unnecessary.

If your partner was raised to think that way, he won’t be able to understand your tears and react to seeing them in the way you’d expect him to.

You should help him to, not just for your sake, but for his sake as well. There’s nothing wrong with crying, regardless of gender, age, or anything else.

He should find a way to be okay with being vulnerable and expressing his emotions, and a skilled professional could help him get there.

5. He got used to you crying.

How often do you cry?

Maybe you have cried in front of him so many times lately that it has become normal to him. Perhaps he used to comfort you, but he gave up because it kept happening, and he had nothing new to say or do that could help you.

If you frequently cry and he believes it’s because of trivial things, it could be the reason that he started to ignore you.

Maybe he is less sympathetic because you’ve needed him too many times. He might think that nothing he could do would make you happy again.

If this is the case, and you don’t have an extremely understandable reason to cry so often (such as grieving the loss of someone dear to you), try to dig deep and get to the root of the problem.

If you are constantly finding small reasons to cry, try to figure out whether there’s a bigger reason that you’re not addressing that could actually be causing your unhappiness.

6. He thinks crying is a form of manipulation.

Crying can be used to get what you want. We learn this as kids. So, your partner knows that tears can be used to manipulate someone, not just express sadness.

Whether you are doing it or not, if he thinks that you are trying to manipulate him, that’s likely the reason he ignores you. Maybe his ex-girlfriends used to emotionally blackmail him by crying whenever he wouldn’t do what they wanted him to.

If you stop crying when he does what you asked from him, he probably thinks that you started to cry to get him to do it in the first place. He may now assume that you’re trying to manipulate him every time you cry in front of him, whether it’s the truth or not, and therefore ignores your tears.

7. He doesn’t care about you.

Unfortunately, one of the possible reasons why your partner doesn’t care when you cry is that he doesn’t care about you to begin with.

There are a lot of other possible reasons though, so you shouldn’t look at this problem separately from the other ones that you may or may not have in your relationship.

Does your partner treat you well and try to make you happy besides the situations when you cry?

If he is showing that he cares less about you than he did before in more ways than just ignoring your tears, he might have already checked out of the relationship.

Don’t jump to conclusions before considering all the facts though. If you are otherwise happy with your partner, his behavior regarding tears might have little or nothing to do with his feelings for you. 

8. He is afraid that he’ll cry too.

Maybe your man doesn’t mind it when you are vulnerable, but he wouldn’t like to be vulnerable too.

The reason he ignores your tears might be because they are too emotional for him, and he doesn’t want to cry too. He acts like he doesn’t care and backs away because he’s worried that he’ll start crying too.

Maybe he doesn’t want to let you see his emotions, so he walks away when you turn on the waterworks. This is especially true if his feelings could be hurt too.

9. He just wants to fix the problem.

A lot of men assume that the only way of dealing with a problem is by fixing it.

While you need your partner to hold you and comfort you by talking about feelings, he might be busy thinking about the solution to make the tears stop.

He doesn’t think that talking about the problem or crying about it with you will solve it. To him it’s simple – if you are crying about a leaky roof, he should go fix the roof or hire someone to do it. He thinks that there is no point in talking about how bad it feels to have a leaking roof.

You can help him understand that sometimes he’s fixing the problem simply by listening to you talk about it.

10. He doesn’t think that you have a reason to cry.

In the end, your partner could be perfectly fine with comforting you. He just doesn’t understand why you’re crying in the first place.

If he doesn’t think that you have a reason to cry, try to explain it to him better. Let him know what you need from him as well.

If you communicate well, you can solve this problem together, so let’s see all the things that you could do.

10 Things You Can Do If Your Man Doesn’t Care When You Cry

Depending on the reason, you can help your man change his attitude toward tears.

Regardless of his reasons, maybe he would be willing to put effort into improving himself and showing you more affection in ways you like to receive it.

If you need your man to show care when you cry, there’s nothing wrong with that. He should be able to understand it and work on giving you what you need.

If your man refuses to change, you will have no choice but to either accept things as they are and seek comfort elsewhere or end the relationship and find someone more compassionate.

Try the following first though, because fixing the problem in your relationship might be easier than you think.

1. Think about how often you cry and why.

Have you’ve been crying too often lately? Do little things make you cry because there’s something big that you’re trying to push under the rug?

If so, try talking to a therapist about it. Spend some time really thinking about the reasons you cry and try to get to the root.

A therapist can help you deal with these problems and start smiling more often. While your partner should be there for you when you need him, he can’t solve all your problems and you shouldn’t expect him to.

If you are crying frequently, there’s a problem that you need to start addressing.

2. Talk to your partner.

Think about what you want to say to your partner and find the appropriate quiet time to say it.

Instead of criticizing him for not comforting you, talk about how that makes you feel. You probably feel lonely when he shuts down.

If you can remember a time when he did what you wanted in a situation when you cried, mention it, and say how that made you feel too. You probably felt loved when he put his arm around you while you were crying.

Be specific when you talk about what he did back then and communicate your feelings well. He should start to understand your needs better.

3. Give him examples of when you needed him and why.

While you should mention the times when he was there for you, give him examples of when he wasn’t and how that made you feel.

Mention specific situations and what you wish that he had done differently.

Don’t be dismissive if he responds by explaining the ways he did support you at those times. He might even make you notice that he shows you support in ways you didn’t even think about. Either way, try to explain why you need him to behave differently at such times.

For instance, maybe you can understand that he can’t relate to what you are feeling when you cry, but if he would hug you, it would make you feel better. It’s a way he can help fix the problem.

Try not to blame him for everything and focus on your feelings.

4. Ask him if he doesn’t know what to do.

Let him open up about his feelings because maybe he feels frustrated or helpless when he sees your tears.

Ask him if he doesn’t know how to react at those times. Maybe he feels like he needs to either solve the problem or get out of your way and let you process your feelings on your own.

Ask him how he likes to be comforted when he’s hurting. If he would like nothing more but to be alone with his thoughts at times like that, it makes sense that he assumes you want the same.

It also makes sense that seeing you cry is painful to him.

Talk about your feelings, and you might be surprised with what you learn about your man.

5. Explain what you would like him to do.

It might feel silly to tell someone that you need them to hug you when you cry, but it’s worth trying if it will help your man understand your needs better.

Let him know that you’d like to cuddle with him when you feel sad, or that you just need to talk to him about the problem and you just need him to be there and listen.

Maybe you could even mention some specific ways he could cheer you up when you’re hurting.

Don’t be afraid to explain what you want from him because solving your problem might even be that simple, even if it doesn’t seem that way now.

6. Ask for what you need when you need it.

Men sometimes say that their lives would be easier if women would just ask for what they need when they need it, instead of making them figure out what’s on their minds. Why not test that theory?

When you need a hug, ask for one!

You’d like your man to intuitively know how to comfort you, but if he doesn’t, try just asking for what you want from him.

With time, he will learn what you need, and reacting that way will become normal to him.

Don’t do the whole “You can do what you want” thing to wait to see if he’ll make the wrong move. Say what you want, and you will probably get it.

7. Appreciate his efforts.

If your partner has already been putting at least a little effort into comforting you, show appreciation for that. The same goes for any progress he might make after you try the suggestions from this article.

After you have a conversation about it, and your partner starts giving you what you need when you’re sad, show him that it makes you feel better and that you are grateful for the effort he’s putting into being a better partner to you.

Even if things still aren’t exactly the way you want them to be, appreciate his efforts. This will encourage him to keep trying to make you happy.

8. Be there for him.

Just like your partner should be there for you, you should be there for him. Just remember that he might need a different kind of support than you do.

While your response to sadness is to cry, maybe he needs to take a walk, play sports, or watch TV when he feels blue.

Let him tell you how he needs to be comforted without assuming that he needs the same things you do.

When he feels sad, respect his need to do whatever it is that he does to make himself better. Ask him what he needs from you. If he needs to be alone, don’t pressure him into letting his emotions out the same way you do.

9. Get support from your friends and family.

Your partner is not the only one who could be there for you at times of need.

Sometimes, he might not be the right person to talk to about the problem. Your family or your friends might understand you better or be able to help you in ways you are used to receiving help.

Don’t forget that you can also seek the help of a therapist, who likely has more insight into situations like the one you’re dealing with than your loved ones do.

If your loved ones can’t relate to the problem you’re experiencing, there’s always someone who can. You can talk to a professional about anything that bothers you.

10. Learn to self-soothe.

You should definitely get support from your loved ones when you need it, and even the help of a therapist in overcoming your problems.

However, there are also things that only you can do. Sometimes, you will have to deal with problems alone. So, learn to self-soothe and make yourself happy.

Don’t always expect others to make you feel better and find a way to do it on your own, even if you don’t have to.

You know yourself best, so, after a little soul-searching, you should know what you need and what you can do for yourself. You could even make an emergency kit for when you feel sad and include your favorite music, chocolate, wine, and whatever it is that will make those tears go away.

Let your loved ones be there for you the way they should but learn to be the master of your own happiness too.

Still not sure what to do if your partner won’t comfort you when you’re upset? This is a tricky situation, and one that can easily be made worse with the wrong approach. But Relationship Hero can guide the way and help you achieve the best outcome. Through regular sessions with a dedicated relationship expert (by yourself and/or as a couple), you’ll learn precisely how to create a healthier and more fulfilling relationship—one that can last a lifetime. Learn more about Relationship Hero and get the kind of tactical relationship advice and ongoing support you need.

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About The Author

Ana Vakos enjoys writing about love and all the problems that come with it. Everyone has experiences with love, and everyone needs dating advice, so giving these topics more attention and spreading the word means a lot to her.