So much has been said and written about players, how they break women’s hearts, and how to deal with one.
But what if you’re the player and you don’t want to play anymore?
Maybe some women tried to change you in the past, but their efforts failed miserably.
You, on the other hand, can change the way you think and act.
But, only if you want to.
If you’re tired of sleeping around with women who you don’t feel like calling the next day, get ready to settle down.
It’s no secret that being a player has its benefits. However, at some point, you realize that it can’t go on forever.
And here’s the important thing: don’t stop being a player to please a woman. Do it for you. Focus on your long-term happiness instead of settling for short-term pleasure.
Here are some things that you can do when you want to stop being a player:
Speak to an accredited and experienced therapist to help you stop being the player you are today. You may want to try speaking to one via BetterHelp.com for quality care at its most convenient.
1. Stop contacting the women that you don’t want to commit to.
The first step is to get rid of your little black book. You don’t have to commit to anyone right away, but the late-night booty calls must stop.
There are some numbers in your phonebook that you just can’t use anymore. If they belong to women that you don’t want to commit to, don’t try to get into their pants.
Even if some of these women are perfectly fine with having casual sex with you, you’re the one who isn’t happy with casual sex anymore. Yes, it could bring you short-term pleasure, but you’re focusing on long-term goals now.
Your long-term goal regarding your love life is to find someone you can eventually commit to. You’re not searching for a one-night stand anymore, you’re searching for the right person for you.
When someone isn’t right for you, you don’t get involved with them just for the sake of intercourse. Not being a player will require you to adopt a different mindset than the one that you have right now.
2. Think about your past experiences.
Why did you become a player in the first place? Has someone played you?
Should all the women in the world pay for what she did to you? Should you? Are you allowing your past to ruin your potential future?
Think about your past experiences and how they might have influenced the man you are today. Realize that you must leave the unnecessary baggage behind to move forward in life.
Maybe you had some bad past experiences, but they shouldn’t dictate what your future is going to look like. You changed before and you can change again.
This time, change by yourself and change into who you want to be, not who your hurt feelings are making you be. It sounds easier than it is, but don’t give up even if it’s hard. Letting go of the past is a huge and difficult task. Talking to a therapist can help (check out BetterHelp.com for effective online therapy).
3. Think about what you are trying to avoid.
Look inside yourself and answer the following questions:
- What are you trying to avoid by being a player?
- Do you fear intimacy or commitment?
- Are you afraid that people will hurt you if you show them your vulnerable side?
- Do you want to avoid opening up to someone and letting them meet the real you?
- Are you trying to avoid women who could limit your freedom?
Once you identify what you’re trying to avoid, give some thought to why you are doing it. Consider whether the thing that you’re avoiding is as bad as you think.
- Would every woman try to control you and act possessive?
- Is everyone you open up to going to break your heart?
Consider whether you have any limiting beliefs and challenge them. Maybe you were led to believe certain things that aren’t even true, they’re just familiar.
Changing your mindset requires identifying and ditching limiting beliefs that no longer serve your purpose and just do you harm. Just because you believed something was true for a very long time doesn’t mean that you have to keep believing it’s true.
Challenge your beliefs and don’t be afraid to change your mind. You’re allowed to change, in fact, that’s how you grow.
4. Consider the pros and cons of being a player.
Maybe you’re not trying to avoid anything, you just like the benefits of being a player. What do you find appealing about it? More importantly, is this behavior beneficial for you in the long run?
As a player, you can do whatever you want with whoever you want whenever you want. Sounds like an amazing lifestyle but is it sustainable? Eventually, even the biggest players realize that they need someone to grow old with and they want to settle down.
Once you’ve considered the benefits of being a player, consider the downsides as well. You are wasting a lot of your time on people that you don’t want to keep in your life.
Consider what you could lose and what you could gain if you stop being a player. If you commit to someone, you might lose some of your freedom but gain love. Love can last forever, playing games can’t.
5. Think about what you want in life.
Do you want love? Love in the sense of a serious long-term relationship with someone you could have a future with.
Passion is a part of love, but love doesn’t have to be a part of the passion. Instead of settling for parts of what love is, you could have the whole thing – you just need to choose one person to have it with.
At some point in your life, you will probably also want a family, if you don’t already. Maybe you want kids, maybe you don’t, but you probably want someone to come home to that you can grow old with.
You also deserve the option of having a child if you want one at some point. Is this so far ahead in your future that you can’t even picture it? You might be used to thinking about what you want in the short-term sense.
Consider your long-term goals now. Maybe you want to wake up in some stranger’s bed tomorrow, but do you want that ten years from now? Twenty years from now? Thirty years from now?
Think far ahead into the future and consider what could benefit you in the long run. You won’t be able to be a player forever anyway.
Granted, when you first start dating a person, you can’t be sure that they’re the person you’ll spend eternity with. However, simply having the goal of spending an eternity with someone at some point will help you adopt a different mindset.
6. Decide that you want to change.
Many women think they can change a player and turn him into husband material. This is just a fantasy, but it doesn’t mean that you can’t change. It just means that no one can change you unless you want to change yourself.
You decide who you want to be and what you want to do with your life. Decide to do what benefits you in the long run.
Manipulating women into sleeping with you isn’t going to bring you long-term happiness. But daring to trust one woman with your heart might.
When you do find that woman, or if you already have, you don’t want to ruin your potential future by going back to your old lifestyle. Decide that you want to change, not because someone told you to, but because it’s in your best interest. You deserve true happiness that can fulfill you.
7. Don’t pretend.
If you’re a player, pretending that you’re something you’re not probably isn’t strange to you. It’s safe to assume that you pretend that you want things that you don’t want to get women to sleep with you. You’re not just hurting them by pretending, you’re hurting yourself.
“Fake it till you make it” isn’t the right way to stop being a player. You need to truly change, not just pretend that you’re different now. Learn to be genuine and sincere.
Make a choice not to play with other people’s emotions when you get the opportunity to do so. Remind yourself of what you really want and don’t be afraid to be honest about it.
Lying is a part of being a player and something that you can’t do anymore. It’s not fair to you or to the person you’re lying to. Neither of you will get what you really want. Give someone a chance to fall in love with the real you, not the mask you’re hiding behind.
8. Accept responsibility.
As we grow up, we’re expected to learn to do the mature thing and accept responsibility for our own actions. Some people avoid responsibility altogether even though they are adults.
Players often hate the responsibilities that come with being in a committed relationship. It’s much easier to just do what you want without having to check in with anybody. However, you should, again, focus on the long run.
Avoiding responsibility might make you feel like a teenager, but you’re not a teenager anymore. It’s time to grow up and accept the responsibilities that come with being an adult.
Learn to own up to your mistakes and consider other people’s needs, wants, and feelings. Be fair to others and true to yourself.
Start by being honest about your needs and wants, and don’t play games with people anymore. There are other ways to get what you want instead of manipulating people into giving it to you. But first, you have to know what you really want.
9. Change your behavior.
When you behave a certain way for a long time, it’s hard to change. It’s not going to happen overnight. You can’t stop being a player simply by committing to a woman.
If you don’t change your behavior, you are likely to go back to your old lifestyle as soon as the opportunity occurs. To truly change, you must put time and effort into becoming who you really want to be.
You might also need the help of a therapist in overcoming the underlying issues from your past (visit BetterHelp.com to see if online therapy is right for you). It takes years for a behavior to become a pattern, and it’s difficult to change old patterns. However, it is not impossible, especially if you invest some time into self-improvement.
Don’t forget that you didn’t become a player overnight, so you can’t stop being one so fast either. Persistence does lead to perfection though. So, as long as you keep repeating your new behavior, it will eventually become your new pattern.
10. Don’t play games with people.
You can’t keep controlling and manipulating people if you want to stop being a player. People will give you what you want because they care about you.
Stop breaking hearts by using people. Just because you can do it doesn’t mean that you should. Learn to trust others and to be trustworthy yourself.
Be honest about who you are and what you want. Ditch the sweet lies and say the truth even when it’s not what people want to hear. Be fair to women by being upfront and transparent about your intentions and goals. Don’t toy with anyone’s heart.
When you fool someone into falling for you just so you can use them, you’re consciously doing the wrong thing. Do the right thing and be honest. Don’t get involved with women who don’t want the same thing you do.
If a woman wants love and you can’t give it, let them go so that they can find it elsewhere. Then you can too.
11. Don’t flirt with anyone that you’re not serious about.
Is it your fault that the girls fall for you even though you don’t want anything serious with them? Well, kind of.
Players can be incredibly charming and attractive. Women don’t fall into bed, they are often seduced. So, stop flirting with women that you’re not serious about.
You can make people fall for you by flirting with them, so restrain yourself from doing so if you don’t want anything real.
Work on winning a woman’s heart only when you want to keep it and take good care of it. Why try to win it if you’re only going to break it? It’s not a toy, and people’s feelings get hurt when you toy with them.
12. Focus on long-term goals instead of short-term pleasure.
This has been mentioned repeatedly because it might be the key to solving your problem. As a player, you can get a lot of short-term pleasure. However, will any of it bring you long-term happiness?
Are you too focused on having a great moment that you don’t have a clear perspective of time and the effect that your present has on your future? It’s good to live in the moment, but not to the point that you entirely forget about the future.
Consider your life five, ten, and even fifty years from now. Think about how long you can sustain the lifestyle that you have right now. Will it still serve you ten or twenty years from now? Where would you rather be at that point?
Try to be more focused on your future when you’re making decisions. Always consider what could benefit you in the long run, and don’t settle for instant gratification.
13. Focus on other aspects of your life.
Your sex life is probably very exciting, but are there other things that bring you joy and fulfillment? Maybe you have a hobby or a passion for something that you’ve neglected because of your lifestyle. Try to do more of the things that you love doing.
Find fulfillment outside of your hookups. Players are often more focused on sex than women are focused on finding the right man. What’s the worst thing that can happen if you consider your non-sexual needs and wants for a while?
Find out what you can be passionate about that has nothing to do with sex and women. Get back to old hobbies and try new ones to discover more things that you like. Go out with your friends just for the sake of going out, not picking up women.
Spend more time with people that you’re not interested in sleeping with. Enjoy quality time instead of looking to score in the game.
14. Change the way you perceive women.
Most players don’t really see women the right way. They have an entirely wrong idea about women that often comes from their bad past experiences. If you have some “All women are____” ideas, ditch them, no matter what word you chose to fill in the blank space.
Every woman is different, just like every man. The only thing we all are is human. So, treat women as human beings. Don’t think of a woman as purely a sexual being. See her as someone’s daughter, sister, friend, or mother, maybe even a potential wife.
A woman has plenty of roles to play; she’s not simply there to satisfy your needs. Seeing her as someone’s daughter might help you treat her with more respect. Don’t assume that all women think the same when you notice similar patterns.
You don’t have all women figured out just because you’ve slept with many of them. You might know how to get them to fall for you, but it doesn’t mean you know them for real.
Let yourself get to know a particular woman for who she is so that you can fall for her.
15. Learn how to behave appropriately around women.
Treat women with respect and use good manners. Don’t try to label them or think you’ve got them figured out. Forget about stereotypes and any other categories you have used to decide which woman belongs in which place.
When you meet a woman that you like, take time to get to know her. She is unlike any other, because we are all individuals. Treat women that way.
Don’t treat women like objects or lie to them. Treat them as human beings that have their own needs, thoughts, and wants that you should consider. You don’t know what women want; as a player, you have simply mastered getting them into bed.
16. Don’t try to control or manipulate anyone.
You might be used to manipulating people into giving you what you want, not just women. This applies beyond your love life and might even be the way you approach dealing with people in general.
You need to learn to treat others properly and consider their needs and wants, not just your own. Keep in mind that you can still get what you want even if you don’t manipulate someone into giving it to you.
When you treat people nicely, they’ll treat you nicely too. You don’t have to deceive them—honesty works better anyway. By being genuine, you can still get what you want, you just won’t hurt anyone in the process.
17. Learn to trust women.
Your past might have left you with trust issues that make it hard for you to commit to a woman. Naturally, you can’t commit to someone you don’t trust. And you might not trust women in general because of certain women from your past.
Again, not all women are the same, so challenge your limiting beliefs. Give people a chance to earn your trust by getting to know them better. Learn to be okay with showing your vulnerable side by opening up to the woman you like.
You can’t avoid getting hurt by avoiding trusting someone with your heart. That way of thinking causes you to miss out on a lot more than what you’re gaining.
Step out of your comfort zone and be stronger than your fears. A therapist can help you with that.
18. Don’t objectify women.
Most players objectify women. You don’t see women as human beings, you see them as objects. We use objects when we want to and don’t think about them otherwise.
You don’t think about women’s needs, thoughts, and wants. You’re used to labeling women as certain types based on the little information that you get from them. You don’t bother to really get to know them, you just consider in which way you can use them.
This approach won’t get you anywhere in life. You will just stay alone and hurt people at the same time. So, snap out of it and realize that women aren’t objects that exist to cater to your needs.
19. Allow yourself to fall in love.
Are you afraid of falling in love because of the possibility of getting hurt? Aren’t you already hurting yourself and others with what you’re doing? Give yourself permission to fall in love even at the risk of getting your heart broken.
Don’t be afraid of intimacy and commitment. These things exist to bring you happiness, not problems. Falling in love is rarely smooth sailing, and there are bound to be some bumps in the road. But, when you find the person you’ll spend your life with, it’s worth the trouble.
20. Focus on one woman and be loyal.
When you find the woman that you think you can fall in love with, focus on her and her alone. Have eyes only for her and be loyal.
If things change and you don’t want to be with her anymore, end the relationship instead of cheating. Being committed to one person may be less exciting, but it is also more meaningful and fulfilling.
Try not to be drawn to the excitement of casual sex when you’re in a serious relationship. Everything has upsides and downsides, but again, it’s important to focus on what’s good in the long run. A short-term thrill passes just as quickly as it comes. Real feelings can last a lifetime.
21. Talk to a therapist.
Even if things get tough, don’t give up on having a more meaningful and loving connection with someone.
Changing old habits is never easy. The roots of most of our problems are in our past, and sometimes we have to dig deep to overcome them. There are people who do this for a living, so don’t be afraid to seek the help of a therapist.
BetterHelp.com is a website where you can connect with a therapist via phone, video, or instant message.
While you may try to work through this yourself, it may be a bigger issue than self-help can address. And if it is affecting your mental well-being, relationships, or life in general, it is a significant thing that needs to be resolved.
Too many people try to muddle through and do their best to overcome issues that they never really get to grips with. If it’s at all possible in your circumstances, therapy is 100% the best way forward.
Maybe you just need a little help to be the kind of person that you want and deserve to be. Open yourself to love and work on being the kind of person that can find it.
Here’s that link again if you’d like to learn more about the service BetterHelp.com provide and the process of getting started.
You’ve already taken the first step just by searching for and reading this article. The worst thing you can do right now is nothing. The best thing is to speak to a therapist. The next best thing is to implement everything you’ve learned in this article by yourself. The choice is yours.
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- How To Be Open To Love: 8 Ways To Let Yourself Be Loved