Communication forms the backbone of any healthy relationship. When we speak and listen effectively to our partners, we create a foundation for trust, understanding, and lasting connection. Yet many of us fall into communication traps without realizing the damage they cause. The way we express ourselves—or don’t—can either nurture our relationships or slowly erode them. Learning to recognize these common missteps isn’t about reaching some state of perfection; it’s about growing together and creating space for authentic connection.
1. Assuming your partner can read your mind instead of expressing your needs directly.
Your partner may love you deeply, but they don’t possess telepathic powers. When we expect our loved one to intuitively know our thoughts, feelings, and needs, without articulation, we set both parties up for disappointment.
In my experience, this mind-reading expectation stems from a desire to feel so connected that words become unnecessary. But this is the stuff of fairy tales and Hollywood movies; even the most attuned partners can’t consistently guess what’s happening beneath the surface.
The solution is to be respectfully direct. Instead of hinting or hoping they’ll figure it out, try stating your needs clearly: “I’m feeling overwhelmed with work and could use some quiet time tonight” conveys exactly what you need without making your partner play detective.
And if you struggle with expressing your needs like me, remember, you’re not being demanding—you’re inviting your partner into your inner world so that they can show up for you effectively.
2. Bringing up past conflicts during current disagreements.
We’ve all been there. You’re in the middle of a heated discussion, and the temptation to dredge up your partner’s past mistakes as ammunition is real and strong. But this practice, known by psychologists as “kitchen-sinking,” derails productive conversation and prevents resolution of the current issue.
The problem with bringing up old conflicts is twofold: it makes your partner feel they can never truly be forgiven, and it shifts the focus away from addressing what’s happening now.
If you find yourself about to say, “This is just like when you…” pause and redirect. Ask yourself: “Is this relevant to our current situation, or am I trying to strengthen my position by bringing up past hurts?”
A healthier approach to disagreements focuses on the present concern only. Your relationship deserves the chance to address each issue on its own terms, without the weight of history constantly tipping the scales.
3. Using accusatory “you” statements instead of “I feel” expressions.
When we frame our concerns as accusations like “You never listen” or “You always ignore me,” we instantly trigger our partner’s defenses.
The psychological concept of “Non-Violent Communication,” developed by Dr. Marshall Rosenberg, offers a better alternative: expressing observations, feelings, needs, and requests without blame. This approach is much more likely to avoid arguments.
Something like “You’re so inconsiderate” becomes “I feel hurt when plans change without discussion because I need some predictability. Could we talk before making schedule changes?”
In my own relationship, I’ve noticed how dramatically this simple shift can transform interactions. When partners feel attacked, they either counterattack or withdraw. But when they hear how their actions impact your feelings, they’re more likely to respond with empathy and understanding.
4. Interrupting before your partner finishes speaking.
I’ll be the first to admit I struggle with this. It can be a particularly tricky one for some people, such as neurodivergent folk, where it comes from a place of neurological wiring rather than ill intent. Autistic people may struggle to read non-verbal cues in conversation, and ADHDers can find it hard to resist the impulse to join in.
But whatever the reason, interrupting your partner mid-sentence can send the message that what you have to say matters more than what they’re expressing. And whilst I’m a firm believer that all communication styles are valid, it’s also important that both partners feel heard, valued, and respected.
If, like me, you catch yourself eager to jump in before your partner finishes, take a deep breath and consciously focus on understanding rather than responding. Count to three after they finish speaking before you begin.
By allowing your partner to fully express themselves, you demonstrate respect and create an environment where both voices matter equally. They should also show you respect by cutting you some slack and allowing leeway for your communication style.
5. Communicating only when problems arise, not during positive moments.
Many couples fall into the trap of only having serious discussions when something is wrong. This creates a negative association with communication itself—talking becomes synonymous with trouble.
The most resilient relationships maintain communication during good times, too. Sharing joys, celebrating small wins, and expressing appreciation build a reservoir of goodwill that helps during challenging conversations.
In positive psychology, this concept is known as “active-constructive responding,” that is, enthusiastically engaging with your partner’s good news rather than dismissing or minimizing it.
If your partner shares something positive, resist the urge to respond with a quick “that’s nice” before changing the subject. Instead, ask questions, show genuine interest, and celebrate together. These positive exchanges can strengthen your connection far more than you might realize.
6. Dismissing your partner’s emotions as irrational or unimportant.
Your partner’s feelings deserve validation, even when you don’t understand them or share the same reaction. You may be minimizing their feelings to try and make them feel better, but saying things like “you’re overreacting” or “that’s silly to be upset about” invalidates their emotional experience and borders on emotional abuse.
When we dismiss our partner’s emotions, we create distance in our relationships. Your partner learns it’s not safe to share their vulnerable feelings with you, so they stop doing it.
Instead of judging the rationality of their emotions, try acknowledging them first: “I can see you’re really upset about this” creates space for their feelings to exist.
You don’t have to agree with every emotion, but you do need to respect that feelings are real for the person experiencing them. Remember, you haven’t had their upbringing and life experiences, and you don’t have their genetic makeup. If you did, you might be reacting the same way, too.
7. Avoiding difficult conversations until they become major issues.
For many couples, the discomfort of addressing sensitive topics often leads to postponing important discussions. What starts as a minor concern festers into a significant problem when left unaddressed.
When we continuously avoid tough conversations, small irritations accumulate into relationship-threatening resentments. You may be adopting the “ignore it and hope it’ll go away” approach, but the conversation you’re avoiding usually becomes harder, not easier, with time.
If bringing up a concern feels challenging for you, try setting a specific time to talk when you’re both relaxed and not rushed. In your mind, frame it as an opportunity to grow closer rather than a confrontation.
Assuming yours is a healthy partnership, you should find that your relationship can handle difficult conversations better than it can handle prolonged avoidance. Reasonable partners respect authenticity in a relationship and will want issues to be aired and resolved.
8. Multitasking or checking your phone during important discussions.
The divided attention we give our partners while scrolling, checking emails, or watching TV sends a clear message about our priorities—and it’s not a flattering one.
When important conversations happen alongside other activities, neither thing receives the attention it deserves. And it’s your relationship that suffers the most from this half-presence.
Of course, you don’t always have to drop what you’re doing when your partner wants to talk. Your time and self-care are precious too. But if your partner raises something important while you’re distracted, it’s better to say, “I want to give this my full attention. Can we talk about this in ten minutes when I can focus completely?” rather than simply pretending you’re listening.
And during planned discussions, make a mutual agreement to put your phones away. These small gestures of undivided attention powerfully communicate your respect and value to each other.
9. Making sweeping generalizations (“you always” or “you never”)
Though we band them around a lot, particularly during conflict, the words “always” and “never” rarely reflect reality and immediately put your partner on the defensive.
When we make absolute statements about our partner’s behavior, we’re usually exaggerating based on our emotional response rather than objective patterns. I’m prone to all-or-nothing thinking, and I’ve noticed I often think in absolutes about my husband and our relationship. Since noticing this, I’ve been trying to catch myself before these thoughts spill out of my mouth. Rephrasing these thoughts is proving a good strategy.
For example, instead of “You never do XYZ,” I’ll say something more accurate like, “I’ve noticed I’ve been handling most of XYZ lately, and I’m feeling overwhelmed.”
Not only does this mitigate defensiveness, but the communication becomes more effective when it’s grounded in specific examples rather than sweeping claims. This approach makes it easier for your partner to understand your perspective without feeling unfairly characterized.
10. Failing to validate your partner’s perspective, particularly when you disagree.
Contrary to what most people believe, the ability to acknowledge your partner’s viewpoint doesn’t require you to agree with it or concede on your point—it simply demonstrates that you recognize their perspective has validity. And it usually does.
When we dismiss opposing views outright, we create an environment where winning arguments and always being right take precedence over understanding each other. This is never going to end well.
Your relationship is far more likely to thrive when both people feel their perspectives matter. If your partner expresses an opinion you disagree with, you can still disagree with it, but try starting your response with validation like, “I can see why you might feel that way, given your experience.”
By validating your partner’s perspective, you haven’t surrendered your position; you’ve just recognized that multiple legitimate viewpoints can coexist in a healthy relationship.
11. Shutting down or giving the silent treatment when upset.
The silent treatment might feel protective in the moment, but it often functions as a punishment that damages relationship communication over time and can serve as another form of emotional abuse.
When we withdraw completely, we prevent any possibility of resolution. This communication style, which psychologists call “stonewalling,” is so damaging that Dr. John Gottman identifies it as one of the four major predictors of divorce.
Of course, it’s ok to need space when upset. In fact, sometimes walking away is the healthiest thing to do, but you need to communicate that directly. Saying something like, “I’m feeling too emotional to discuss this productively right now. Can we talk about it in an hour after I’ve had some time to collect my thoughts?” lets your partner know you’re not abandoning them or punishing them, and you will be back. And then you do need to make sure you come back and finish the conversation.
12. Using passive-aggressive behavior instead of direct communication.
Passive aggression is the indirect expression of negative feelings and includes things like sarcasm, subtle digs, deliberate forgetting, and procrastination. It’s a way of avoiding direct confrontation, but it often just creates confusion and resentment.
When we choose passive-aggressive communication, we prevent honest dialogue while still expressing negativity. It’s the worst of both worlds.
There are many reasons people use passive-aggression. If this sounds familiar, examine what’s making straightforward expression difficult for you. Are you afraid of rejection, conflict, or vulnerability? If so, this is something you’ll need to work on, possibly with the help of a therapist.
Directness may feel temporarily uncomfortable, but it prevents the long-term damage caused by passive-aggressive patterns. That’s why getting to the bottom of it is so crucial.
Final thoughts…
The journey toward better relationship communication is all about awareness and the willingness to make small, consistent changes that gradually transform how you connect with your partner.
Many of these mistakes are natural human responses—we all make them sometimes. The difference lies in recognizing patterns that damage your connection and consciously choosing different approaches.
When both partners commit to more thoughtful communication, relationships don’t just survive—they flourish. Every conversation is an opportunity to deepen understanding or create distance. With practice and patience, the skills that foster meaningful connection become second nature, allowing your relationship to grow stronger with each exchange.
