Resentment is defined as an emotional reaction to perceived mistreatment or unfairness. It can arise for any number of reasons, but when it appears in a romantic relationship, it’s usually because one partner feels that the relationship is unbalanced, or that they’re taken for granted, unheard, unseen, or even being used. You might have convinced yourself that your relationship is just fine, but if you do any of the things listed below, you might actually resent your partner without even being aware that you do.
1. Responding to them more slowly than usual (if at all).
If you’ve been expected to jump and give attention to your partner whenever they have demanded it, you may start to withhold that attention instead. As a result, you may not respond to them immediately when they call your name, or barely grunt in response when they try to talk to you about something. I’ve been on both the giving and receiving end of this kind of behavior in the past, and fortunately matured enough to realize how ineffective it is for any kind of real partnership.
The silent treatment (or something close to it) is often a means by which a person tries to regain control if they feel that their partner has power over them. Once a relationship reaches this point, it can be very difficult to regain equilibrium, according to psychotherapist Nancy Colier. This is because instead of being communicative and empathetic, each partner is seeking to one-up the other. Communication keeps breaking down until neither partner wants to talk to the other anymore.
2. Only doing the bare minimum.
If you’ve been over-functioning in your relationship and carrying the majority of responsibility around the house, you might express your resentment by only doing the bare minimum now. You might only deal with the things that you’re directly responsible for or are involved with. For example, you might only do your own laundry or wash your own dishes instead of pooling them together and getting them all done at once.
According to WebMD, this is a passive-aggressive way of expressing resentment and unhappiness. It’s an indirect attempt to force one’s partner to step up and do more of the cooking themselves. It often backfires inasmuch as the partner who isn’t pulling their own weight will simply see to their own needs instead of taking the hint and doing more for the family. Those dirty dishes will remain in the sink indefinitely, and the lazy partner will simply eat off disposable paper ones or from takeout wrappers instead.
3. Prioritizing your own needs and wants over theirs.
If you’ve been in a one-sided or unequal relationship for a long time, you may start to prioritize your own preferences instead of continuing to pander to theirs. This is especially likely if they’re capable of doing the things you’ve been shouldering, but have a wide range of excuses as to why they’re not doing it.
For example, if you’ve been doing all the grocery shopping for the last few years, you might only buy the items and brands that you like. If they complain about it, they can go out and get the things that they want instead. Similarly, you might only cook for yourself instead of creating meals to share, or “forget” to pick up something important that they need or want, and so on.
4. Vetoing their choices.
If you’re ordering food for delivery and they express that they’d prefer pizza or Chinese food, you’ll order sushi or Indian food instead. The same goes for decisions about what movie to watch, where to go for the weekend, and so on.
The resentment you have for whatever reason is likely to manifest in dominative and controlling behavior as far as choice is concerned. If they aren’t doing their share or have been overstepping your boundaries (or otherwise disrespecting you), then taking control over things that might make them happy is a small, petty win for you.
5. Withholding or avoiding intimacy.
A healthy sex life is an absolute must for most relationships, so withholding intimacy is often weaponized when and if resentment is present. There are, of course, plenty of times when there are good reasons for not being intimate, from illness or pregnancy to simply not being on the same page and respecting one another enough not to push things.
What we’re referring to here is saying “no” solely for the sake of punishing your partner. Once again, this is often used by people who feel powerless in their relationship and seek to have a measure of control however possible: if they resent their partner for a litany of reasons, and have no other means to express their sadness or feelings of being disrespected, then one of the only weapons they have at their disposal is frigidity.
6. Arguing with them without a real reason.
Do you find yourself arguing with your partner all the time over petty or trivial issues? This could even entail being argumentative for its own sake, even though you know they’re right, or when there’s no real need to argue about anything. For example, you might try to fight them about a piece of trivia they shared, or be overly critical about things that don’t deserve your scrutiny or scorn.
Nitpicking, arguing, or creating problems that aren’t really there are hallmarks of resentment about things that aren’t being addressed. They interpret everything as negative, even when there are no grounds to do so, and grump at every possible opportunity.
7. Making snide or otherwise cutting, passive-aggressive remarks.
Your partner might tell you something that they’re happy or proud about, and you respond with a passive-aggressive comment instead of expressing how you really feel. For example, if you’re exhausted because you’ve been doing the majority of the housework, and they express joy about the book they’re reading, you might say something like “That’s so great! It must be wonderful not to have any responsibilities to deal with, so you can enjoy a book like that.”
Essentially, rather than calling them out on behavior you feel is unfair (and that’s causing you to feel resentment towards them), you attack from an oblique angle with little jabs instead. Usually in cases like this, there’s the hope that they’ll read between the lines and take action to make things better, since the direct approach doesn’t seem to work (or hasn’t been tried yet).
8. Being as independent as possible.
If you resent your partner for not doing things that they’ve promised to do a thousand times and never followed through with, you might have simply taken to doing everything yourself. You don’t bother asking anymore since you know it’ll never be done.
Furthermore, you may not even involve them in your plans anymore. You’ll inform them that you’re going to visit your family without asking if they’d like to come with you, or you’ll leave to go shopping and not inform them, nor ask if they’d like anything while you’re out. At this point, you despise them so much that you’re barely even friends or housemates, let alone partners, and resentment is the only feeling you have left for them.
9. Not-so-subtle punishment or sabotage.
They might really be looking forward to attending a concert or a sports event on an upcoming weekend, but oops, you’ve agreed to a family get-together that the two of you simply can’t cancel. Or there was an unexpected expense that needed to be taken care of, and now they can’t afford to attend it anymore, “Sorry.”
Similarly, you might “accidentally” cancel or pause things that they enjoy on a regular basis. For example, if they spend their days binge-watching Netflix instead of doing any housework or making money for the family, you might change the password or cancel the subscription so they can’t access it.
Final thoughts…
If your partnership is making you truly miserable, there are two choices before you: either communicate with them and make plans to improve things to move forward, or end the relationship. Don’t keep being passive-aggressive and mistreating them in the hope that they’ll eventually get fed up enough with you to break up. That’s not fair to them, and is childish behavior that’ll make you lose respect from everyone, including yourself. If you feel resentment, determine why that is, and then take action to deal with that resentment accordingly.
