Sure, it’s hot. It’s exciting. But it’s also bad. So, why do you want to cheat on your partner?
Unlike what people usually think, cheaters don’t necessarily want to hurt their partners. In some cases, yes, but most of the time, cheaters don’t mean to cause pain.
They still want to cheat though, and sometimes, this ends a relationship.
For the sake of this article, we will assume that you don’t want to end your existing relationship and that something else is driving your desire to cheat. However, keep in mind that ending things with your partner is a possible fix for any of the reasons that follow.
1. You want to distract yourself.
Are you struggling with anxiety or low mood? Sometimes people cheat to distract themselves from some serious issue, which could be related to their mental health or life circumstances. Having an affair can trigger the release of feel-good chemicals in the brain, similar to those caused by antidepressants.
The rush of chemicals and feelings that come with hooking up with someone new can distract you from the deeper issues you may be facing.
If you are depressed or suffer from anxiety, don’t try to fix the problem by cheating. Talk to a therapist about your issues and dedicate some time to personal development. Sure, it’s not as fun as having an affair, but if you are just looking to escape from a feeling of emptiness, that’s not going to go away if you cheat, especially once you have the stress of the fallout to deal with.
2. You struggle with impulse control.
Some people’s brains are naturally wired differently when it comes to dopamine—the feel-good neurotransmitter that’s responsible for motivation, pleasure, and reward. For example, the brains of those with ADHD naturally crave more novelty and stimulation than neurotypical brains do.
If this is you, even if you’re not formally diagnosed, this might explain why you feel an impulse to cheat or engage in risky sexual behaviors, according to research. When the opportunity for a new, exciting connection presents itself, your brain might light up with dopamine at the mere possibility. That immediate rush can sometimes override your longer-term thinking about consequences. It’s not that you love your partner any less—your brain is just responding strongly to potential new sources of stimulation.
This doesn’t mean you’re destined to cheat, or that you can’t fight your natural impulses. Understanding your neurodivergent needs can actually help you communicate better with your partner about your need for novelty and excitement within your relationship. Maybe you need more spontaneity, more varied experiences together, or different approaches to intimacy.
Instead of acting on impulse, recognize when your brain is seeking that dopamine rush and find healthier ways to meet that need. Talk to your partner about ways to keep things fresh and exciting that don’t involve breaking their trust. Your different neurological wiring can be a strength when you understand and honor it appropriately.
3. You want attention.
It’s perfectly normal to want to feel attractive. When someone gives you special attention by, for instance, complimenting you, it is seductive. It can make you chase adoration that you don’t get from your partner.
Or maybe you do, but your self-esteem issues leave you always wanting more attention. According to Relate, low self-esteem is a common contributor to cheating behavior. You might even be addicted to the attention of other attractive people, and it always tempts you to go further and cheat.
When people don’t feel like they get enough attention in their romantic relationship, it’s often because they don’t feel seen and heard by their partner. If your partner has been neglecting you or taking you for granted, it makes sense that you looked for attention elsewhere.
Talk about feeling seen and heard if your partner doesn’t give you enough attention, and if they do, work on your self-esteem issues.
4. You’ve got the perfect opportunity.
People often cheat simply because they were handed the perfect opportunity to do so. Maybe someone attractive wants to hook up with you, maybe they even started chasing you. They may have convinced you that no one will ever find out and that you’ll regret missing out on this opportunity.
Even if they haven’t said that exactly, it’s probably how you feel about this situation. Maybe things have been difficult with your partner, and someone else is promising you a fun time without any of those worries. Situational factors are a common reason for cheating, according to Healthline.
The problem is, once you do it once, it will be very difficult not to do it again, so your best bet is not to cheat at all. Resist the temptation no matter how perfect the opportunity seems to be.
The truth is, there will always be people willing to sleep with you, whether you are single or taken. Being faithful is not about staying away from those temptations at all costs, but resisting them no matter how tempting they may be.
5. You want a change in your life.
Are you ready to make some big changes in your life? People often want to cheat when they are unhappy with the current state of their life. You want things to be different, and finding a new partner would definitely make things different.
However, you still want to keep your existing partner, so things can actually only change for the worse with all the lying and sneaking around that comes with avoiding getting caught cheating.
Changes are good, and it’s okay to make them, but don’t cheat. Instead, change your hairstyle, refresh your wardrobe, get fit, learn a new skill for a career switch or a promotion, find a new fun hobby, or redecorate your home.
See if these changes can improve your life enough that you no longer desire a new partner. If not, end things rather than cheating.
6. You are overreacting after a fight.
Imagine this scenario. You just had a huge fight with your partner, and you’re crying your eyes out, but you’re also pissed off at them. So you wipe your tears away and head to the nearest bar for a drink to cool off.
When you get there, you see your hot coworker, and they offer to hear you out. They give you a shoulder to cry on, you look up, and the two of you kiss. You go home with them to avoid your partner or to get back at them. It might seem like a good idea at the time, but it won’t when you wake up the next day.
Don’t ever cheat on your partner right after a big fight because your judgment is probably clouded by all the negative emotions. People often cheat when they’re really just overreacting after a huge argument.
Sure, the fight might have been bad, but cheating won’t fix your issues. Calm down and be patient instead. Once you’ve cooled down, talk to your partner about how you feel.
7. You want something easier than what you’ve got.
Let’s face it, being in a relationship is difficult, especially if you want a healthy one. You have to invest all of your resources, such as time, energy, and attention, into maintaining the relationship.
If your partner is making things even more difficult than they have to be, it makes sense to be tempted by someone who’s offering something easier. An affair doesn’t require the mental and emotional resources that a relationship needs to thrive. It’s just sexy time with no worries, and that’s tempting.
But it’s important to remind yourself that cheating isn’t easy either. It comes with worries of getting caught and it leads to many other complicated situations.
Work on your relationship problems instead of trying to run away from them by creating bigger ones. Keep in mind that it’s not going to be easier with someone else; it will just seem that way at first.
8. You’re no longer in the honeymoon phase.
When you first get involved with someone, things can be hot and heavy, and they’re also new and exciting. The sparks could be flying all over the place while you’re in the honeymoon phase.
However, once you’ve been together for a long time, these initial feelings start to fade… and you might start to miss them. So when you meet someone new and experience those exciting emotions with them, it might be tempting to go after that feeling.
That someone new might be exciting, but it’s really just because they are new. Those honeymoon sparks faded in your current relationship, and it will happen with the new person too. The honeymoon phase can’t last forever, and you can’t expect the same fireworks that you experienced in the beginning. Don’t confuse this initial short-term infatuation for real love.
9. You fell in love with someone else.
What if someone special caught your eye? It’s possible to fall in love with someone else while you’re already in a relationship. Maybe you don’t really want to cheat; you just want to act on your feelings for someone new without losing your relationship. However, are those feelings true love or are you going to be tortured by guilt after cheating?
Think about your definition of love. What is love, according to you? You might be under the impression that initial infatuation is true love, or you expect the kind of romantic love that you see in the movies. Think about your definition of love and consider how well you know the person that you think you love.
Are you really in love, or are you just attracted to—and infatuated with—someone else because you are avoiding dealing with some issues in your life or relationship?
10. Your needs aren’t being met.
Your intimacy needs are important, but maybe your partner spends a lot of time away from home, or they have a lower sex drive than you, or things have just got a bit stale in the bedroom. So, even though the relationship might be making you happy otherwise, your sexual needs aren’t met, so you want to cheat.
Or maybe your emotional needs aren’t being met, so you start an emotional affair where, while you’re not sleeping with the person, you are investing significant amounts of emotional energy in that relationship.
What are you not getting in your relationship that you’re hoping to find with someone else? Talk about your needs with your partner. For instance, maybe your partner doesn’t give you enough attention and doesn’t show enough interest in your thoughts and feelings.
See if sharing more about each other could help you connect on an emotional level. If your sexual needs aren’t met, talk about your fantasies and what your partner could do to meet those needs.
11. You have the wrong idea about love.
What is love according to you? Maybe you think that it has to involve a lot of passion and drama. Perhaps you expect grand romantic gestures or think that only forbidden love is true love.
When what you have doesn’t come close to any of this, it seems too boring to be true. Maybe you’re happy in your relationship, but it is somehow too different than what you expected. Where are those expectations coming from though?
Don’t rely on Hollywood to give you a good definition of love. Sure, romcoms can be great, but they’re fictional, and love doesn’t really work that way. Real life is usually more peaceful, and you might just be missing the drama.
12. You are exploring your sexuality.
What if you are in a heterosexual relationship but you’re attracted to people of the same sex, or you want to explore some kinks, fetishes, or non-traditional relationships? Maybe you want to cheat on your partner because you’re looking to explore your sexuality. You’re suddenly attracted to something that you never were before.
It’s important to be honest with your partner and open up to them about these things. Maybe they would be willing to help you explore your sexuality while trying new things. If what they’ve been doing isn’t turning you on anymore, it’s worth opening up to them about your current fantasies.
Finally…
Though there are many reasons why you might want to cheat even though you love your partner and don’t really want to leave, in the end, maybe you want to cheat because your relationship is making you miserable. You constantly fight, you realize you have nothing in common, or your partner is controlling and jealous. Whatever the case may be, an unhealthy relationship could be a reason to cheat because you actually do want out.
When you want to cheat on your partner, there are only two ways to avoid that. Either you end the relationship to be with someone else or work on your relationship with your partner. If you want to work on things, consider counseling. And if you want to end a relationship, know that going your separate ways is a better choice than cheating.
