Many people who have strained relationships with their parents hope for some type of resolution, even if it just means finally being heard and validated after years of familial strain. So what happens when parents die before issues can be resolved? There are several different techniques you can try to process things from a psychological standpoint, and the ones listed here are some of the most effective. They can be adapted to each individual, or combined for the greatest effect.
1. Write letters that encompass everything that was left unsaid.
If you didn’t get the chance to discuss important things with your parents before they passed, then writing them letters can be immensely therapeutic. These might be letters of forgiveness, or simply letting out everything that was left unsaid. The Center for Growth highly recommends writing letters as a form of psychological release when resolution isn’t able to happen due to unexpected bereavement.
These can be written by hand or emailed, but the former seems to be more therapeutic than the latter. This is likely because the physical act of writing down words is much more intimate than hammering them out on a keyboard. Furthermore, you can burn these letters ritualistically, literally letting go of the things you’ve wanted to say.
I have personal experience with this approach, as I’ve used it to good effect myself. My father took his own life over 20 years ago, leaving countless issues between us unresolved. I wrote dozens of letters to him by hand, essentially exorcising everything I’d always wanted to get off my chest and resolve between us, and then burned them all in a backyard bonfire. That little ritual was immensely helpful for releasing all the negativity and unsaid words that I’d bottled up for years.
2. Talk to their friends or extended family members.
Parents rarely tell their children everything that’s been going on in their own lives, especially if the subjects aren’t appropriate topics of discussion between them. Instead, they confide in their friends, siblings, parents, and extended social circles, where they can be open and vulnerable without the risk of alienating their own offspring.
If you feel like you have unresolved issues with your deceased parents, ask those who were close to them if you can talk to them. They may be able to offer insights by sharing other perspectives with you. This approach has been immensely helpful to many people I’ve known. For example, one woman who always resented her mother for divorcing her father later found out that her dad had been abusive, but she’d been shielded from that information so she didn’t think poorly of him. There are always several sides to every story, and finding out more about the people your parents were beyond your own perspective of them can be incredibly healing.
3. Work through your emotions by journaling.
According to Positive Psychology, journaling can be immensely beneficial for breaking away from brooding cycles related to negative memories or unresolved issues. It also helps to regulate emotions, reduce anxiety, and express feelings in a safe, judgment-free space.
When you write about what you think and feel, the words you express are entirely your own. Nobody else is going to read them and think poorly of you, judge you, disbelieve you, or invalidate what you’re sharing. Journaling like this can also help with working through trauma, and resolving things that could have been difficult to address (or get closure on) when your parents were alive.
4. Take up or engage in a spiritual practice to help you through.
Every single spiritual practice on the planet has rituals to help people deal with death. Some might involve offering prayers or lighting candles in the deceased person’s honor, while others meditate, chant, sing, dance, or plant trees in their lost loved one’s memory.
If you’re of a particularly spiritual or religious leaning, then consider asking your spiritual advisor (priest, rabbi, imam, etc.) if they’re available for personal counseling. In addition to being able to discuss your unresolved issues with them, they may be able to offer guidance on rituals that can help you let go and move forward. Depending on your faith, they may even be able to facilitate these rituals for you.
5. Create a sacred space for interacting with their memory.
As mentioned above, some cultures plant trees or flowers to honor loved ones who have passed, while others may create shrines or altars. If you feel that there are issues that were left unresolved when your parents passed, consider creating a space that’s dedicated to communicating or interacting with their memory.
In terms of psychology, this is a space where you can speak to them as though they’re still present, even if that involves crying, yelling, or choking out what needs to be said in a whisper because your own voice fails you. Feel free to create this space in whatever manner feels right to you, such as with photos, mementos, scents, etc. that make you feel like you’re in their presence when you interact with it.
6. Roleplay with a therapist.
If there were serious issues that you were unable to address or resolve with your parents before they passed on, you might have emotions like anger and resentment that you currently feel don’t have any outlet for release. In a situation like this, working with a trusted therapist who can be your proxy parent might be helpful.
This is where they take on the role of the parent (or parents) in question, and allow you to vent everything that you’ve been holding in all this time. They could be coached ahead of time with the types of responses that your parents might have given you to be more authentic, thus allowing you to find resolution and closure to the issues that have been haunting you.
7. Practice forgiveness and acceptance (including towards yourself).
We can’t turn back the clock and change what unfolded so we have the chance to resolve issues with our deceased parents. Psychologists agree, all we can really do is accept that some things will have to remain unresolved, or at least, can only be resolved in a one-sided capacity.
As frustrating as this may be, it also grants us the opportunity to work on radical self-acceptance and forgiveness.
For example, our parents might have never been able to accept and respect us because we ended up being the polar opposite of what they had hoped. This could relate to opposing socio-political and religious viewpoints, different lifestyle choices, or any other number of issues that can divide family members and drive parent-child relationships to breaking point. Regardless of what the differences might have been, try to forgive your parents for being flawed human beings in their own right, and forgive yourself for not being a “better” child in their eyes.
We’re all doing the best we can, and sometimes that means bitterly disappointing those who would prefer that we live our lives by their parameters, rather than our own.
Final thoughts…
When it comes to working through unresolved issues after your parents have passed, ask yourself honestly whether you’re seeking resolution, justice, or revenge. Some people who experienced severe abuse from their families end up feeling angry and bitter that they were never able to dish back what had been served to them to make their parents understand what they inflicted on others, while others simply wish that their parents had seen and accepted them for who they really are. From a psychological perspective, understanding your own motivations is vital for resolution and personal growth.
