Breakups and divorces are never easy, but they’re far more difficult when there are children involved. You’ve likely done your best to create a fair, balanced custody arrangement and work with your ex to co-parent your kids in a healthy, supportive manner. In fact, you hopefully also refrain from saying anything negative about them so as to maintain harmony and keep your kids’ relationship with them healthy.
But what happens when that diligence isn’t reciprocated? What do you do when it appears as though your ex is trying to turn your children against you?
1. Pay attention to how their attitudes towards you change after visits with your ex to establish what’s actually happening.
Perhaps you and your kids are getting along just fine. You’ve been cracking jokes with one another, having fun dinner and movie nights together, their grades are soaring, and they often seek you out for hugs. Then, after visiting your ex for their allotted time with them, their behavior towards you changes completely.
Instead of greeting you warmly and telling you what they got up to with their other parent, they barely meet your gaze and go stomping into their rooms. When they do speak to you, it’s with sullen resentment or sarcasm. If this is the case, your ex may be telling them awful things about you in an attempt to sour your relationship with them. Take note of whether this is a one-off situation or if it happens after every visit, but remember there could be other explanations that are worth keeping in mind.
For example, children can struggle with the emotional transition between two households, especially if the parents have very distinct parenting styles. General moodiness is very different from a child who begins parroting specific grievances or making pointed accusations that sound suspiciously like an adult’s words coming out of a child’s mouth. If the pattern reliably appears after visits and seems loaded, that’s when it’s worth paying closer attention.
2. Be present with them, as the best version of yourself possible.
People can say whatever they like in an attempt to sully other people’s opinions of you, but when your actions don’t match the accusations, people can’t help but recognize that things just aren’t adding up.
For example, if someone told you that a mutual friend was an awful, mean-spirited, hateful individual, but whenever you spent time with them, you were overwhelmed by their bubbly attitude and loving heart, you would swiftly recognize the inconsistency and wonder why they were being slandered so.
The same goes for your kids. Be the best version of yourself imaginable when you’re with your kids by being present, patient, caring, and loving, and whatever poisons your ex may be spewing will be much less likely to have the desired effect.
3. Be tactfully honest with your children if they confront you about things.
Breakups don’t come out of nowhere, and your relationship or marriage undoubtedly had some spectacularly rocky moments before it finally collapsed. That said, most people shield their children from the truths of their relationship breakdown, with good reason, and that may apply to you as well. You might have glossed over things like infidelity or other betrayal, financial issues, or abuse for the sake of not burdening the children with these details, or because you were ashamed of the choices you made that contributed to the split.
But if your ex is trying to turn your children against you, they may “let slip” details about you that you would have preferred to keep quiet about for a while longer, or they may outright make up lies to cover up their own behavior.
For example, a male friend of mine is currently dealing with a situation in which his ex-wife “accidentally” hinted to the kids that he’d had an affair (which he hadn’t), in an attempt to gain the children’s sympathies and punish him for leaving. In reality, she’s the one who cheated, which the kids discovered when they confronted my friend about the accusation. He was very matter-of-fact about it, and although the kids are taking a while to process this information, they appreciated his honesty.
If these confrontations arise, resist the urge to either overshare or deflect. Answer what’s asked, honestly and calmly, in age-appropriate terms, and let your children lead the conversation. As my friend discovered, children tend to respond far better to factual honesty than to the kind of dramatic revelations your ex may be hoping to orchestrate.
4. Keep track of everything.
This one may feel clinical and dispiriting, but it’s important nonetheless. Keep meticulous notes about when your children go to your ex’s to visit, what they do when there, and who else is in attendance during the visit. Similarly, document any issues that may arise during these visits, such as if a hospital visit was necessary due to injury, or if the kids were exposed to age-inappropriate subject matter.
Additionally, keep detailed notes of how your children have behaved towards you upon their return home. For example, write down what your children have said to you, and on which dates.
Should things ever escalate to the point where legal intervention becomes necessary — which we’ll touch on shortly — this kind of detailed record will prove invaluable. Courts don’t respond well to vague impressions; they respond to dates, specifics, and patterns.
5. Don’t retaliate with counterstrikes.
If the things your kids have been telling you give you the impression that your ex is trying to turn them against you, one of the worst things you can do is to retaliate. You undoubtedly have a ton of dirt on them saved up that you could use against them, but that will cause more harm than good.
First and foremost, that behavior puts your kids in the crossfire, filling them with anxiety and making them feel as though they need to pick sides. Secondly, if the things you tell them are really terrible, not only will they never be able to see their other parent in the same light, but they’ll resent you forever for having destroyed their view of them. Stick to remaining positive — or at the very least, neutral — about your ex, and neutralize their barbs rather than fighting fire with fire.
6. Focus on your role as your children’s parent, not their pal.
One of the most important things to remember here is that you are your children’s parent. Though obviously you want to have a warm, close, friendly relationship with them, you don’t need to win their approval, nor do you need to be seen as the fun, permissive parent who’s willing to do whatever it takes to keep them onside. Instead, focus on your job as a parent: to raise them into happy, healthy, self-sufficient, confident, capable adults, and support their life goals accordingly.
When you shift this focus more towards parenting as a job, you’ll be less affected by your ex’s potential smear campaign towards you. They’re trying to get your kids to dislike you? Okay, well, that isn’t going to stop you from making lunches, showing up for parent-teacher night, getting your kids to hockey or ballet practice, paying attention to what they’d really like for holiday gifts, or helping them cram for exams.
Many embittered exes try to play themselves up as perfect, fun parents who won’t discipline the kids in order to be seen as the cool best friend, but children are perceptive, and that illusion rarely holds. What endures is the parent who showed up — consistently, unglamorously, and without fanfare. That’s the relationship worth building, and no amount of badmouthing can erode it.
7. Talk to a legal advisor.
If your children are under the age of 18 and you feel that things are getting beyond your control, it’s a good idea to talk to a legal advisor about parental alienation. It’s worth noting that family law varies significantly between countries, states, and provinces, so consulting a professional in your specific jurisdiction is essential — what applies in one place may not apply in another.
That said, in many jurisdictions, parental alienation refers to a situation in which one parent engages in trash-talking, emotionally manipulating, or outright lying to the children in order to make them distrust, dislike, fear, or develop contempt for their other parent. It’s a serious issue that can lead to court-mandated family therapy or custody changes, and in more extreme cases, may have further legal consequences for the alienating parent.
If your children are over the age of 18, a family lawyer may still be worth consulting, as you could potentially have grounds to address defamation of character if your ex is spreading outright lies about you. However, these cases can be difficult to pursue, and the outcomes vary, so professional legal advice is particularly important here before taking any action.
Final thoughts…
Things may seem difficult right now, but like all difficulties, this too shall pass. If you stay the course and keep your calm, this storm will blow over and the truth will out. Children aren’t stupid, and even if they end up being temporarily influenced by your ex, that person’s true colors will eventually show themselves and will reveal all in full and proper context.
Your kids will see through your ex’s machinations, recognize the ill will behind the badmouthing, and you can spend the rest of your lives cultivating a relationship based on truth, love, and mutual support.
