You dedicated years of your life to giving your children the best life possible, and although you weren’t perfect, you thought you did a pretty okay job. That is, until they started to blame you for everything they feel is wrong or difficult in their lives.
Instead of being able to enjoy a healthy relationship with them now that they’re grown, every exchange seems to be full of accusations and anger, and you’re left feeling guilty, or worse, like you somehow failed at parenting. You’re not alone, but knowing that probably doesn’t make things any easier. So how exactly do you cope with the guilt caused by this behavior?
1. Analyze where their behavior is coming from.
First and foremost, what is it they’re blaming you for, exactly? Does this accusation seem reasonable, or do you get the feeling that they’re lashing out at you because of something else in their life? Children — even adult ones — often vent their anger and frustration at the parent they consider to be their “safe space.”
As a result, they may be blaming you for something that they’re struggling with internally that doesn’t actually stem from anything you did. Remember that the majority of things that people get angry at you for actually have nothing to do with you, and everything to do with them.
For example, if they’re feeling angry or frustrated with things that are going on in the world, things they feel your generation is responsible for, they may use you as the whipping post for all their ire. Or if they’ve behaved poorly in some area of their life and are feeling ashamed about it, they might project that onto you by accusing you of behaving badly. Whilst that doesn’t make it ok, it can help you to have some compassion and not take things so personally.
2. Keep in mind that your child is now a sovereign adult with the ability to change things for themselves.
People are only children for a short period of time, assuming they are typically developing, of course. While it’s true that difficulties or traumas we experience during our childhood and adolescence can impact our development, there’s also a lot to be said about taking the initiative to address these issues as autonomous adults.
I know someone in her early 50s who blames her inability to cook on the fact that her mother never taught her. She lives on delivery meals, and can barely prepare cereal on her own. This woman moved out at 19 and hasn’t been a child for over 30 years, so she’s had every opportunity to learn this skill on her own. The choice not to do so is entirely on her.
This isn’t to say that change is always easy or that the past doesn’t leave its mark—it certainly does. In fact, when it comes to traumatic experiences, research shows that they can literally change an individual’s brain wiring. But part of maturing into a healthy adult is recognizing when we need help, seeking it out, and taking active steps toward growth.
While parents can (and should) be accountable for their past actions, adult children must also be accountable for their present choices, including the choice to try to heal and learn.
3. Examine your child’s perspectives of how things unfolded, including the things you didn’t share with them.
Parents shield their children from a lot of things, as well they should. After all, kids can’t understand a lot of complex issues that adults have to navigate, and their parents shouldn’t be using them as therapists.
But unfortunately, there’s a downside to this type of shielding: that children sometimes get a blinkered view of what transpired. Once they reach adulthood, they may turn around and blame you for some lingering issue because they didn’t have the whole picture 30 or 40 years ago.
For example, they may blame you for self-esteem issues caused by you breaking your promise to attend their recital, not knowing that you were dealing with a miscarriage or some devastating news that you received. Though their hurt is real, it sometimes stems from unrealistic expectations of how parents should function.
Young kids generally don’t view their parents as autonomous individuals, but as the caregivers who are expected to tend to their every need and whim. This perspective can influence their perceptions well into adulthood, shaping the narrative they’ve created about you and your actions from way back when. With this knowledge, you can recognize your adult child’s view of how things unfolded without agreeing with them about it.
4. Recognize that you are as fallible as anyone else.
Did you know that millions of people are misdiagnosed in emergency rooms annually? And that’s by teams of trained doctors, nurses, and other healthcare providers. Parents also make mistakes, both when their children are young and once they mature.
Perhaps you’re in a position where your adult children are blaming you for not recognizing their personal or health-related needs as a child. But how could you recognize things that you didn’t know you were supposed to be looking for?
As an example, many people with late-identified chronic health conditions or neurodivergence blame their parents for not getting them the help they needed when they were younger, not recognizing that their parents had no clue that anything was wrong.
Awareness of many conditions has only increased in recent years, so just about everyone was in the dark back then. If the medical professionals who saw their kids on a regular basis weren’t able to diagnose these things at the time, how could their parents have known otherwise?
5. Remember that bringing someone into the world doesn’t mean you’re responsible for their life choices forever.
When people decide to have children, they take on the responsibility of keeping the little ones alive until they’re old and strong enough to fend for themselves. They provide loving care and guidance, and hopefully provide them with the skills and tools they’ll need to lead happy, healthy lives.
What they aren’t responsible for is overseeing their child’s every decision for the rest of their lives. Furthermore, when many of them try to offer their insights when they see their kids making questionable choices, they’re usually told to stop interfering.
Later, however, when those children’s lives don’t turn out the way they wanted, or their choices lead to challenging outcomes, the parents are blamed for not doing more to stop them from making their own bad decisions. This isn’t fair to the parents, who often find themselves in an impossible catch-22: damned if they interfere and damned if they don’t. If you find yourself in this position, remind yourself: their life, their choices, their responsibility.
6. Acknowledge what they’re feeling, but don’t feel obligated to accept responsibility.
Sometimes, when people are struggling, their goal is to be seen, heard, and validated. They may not know how to ask for these things in a healthy manner, so all the emotions they’re struggling with explode out of them at the closest safe target. In this case, you. Let’s say your adult child is wracked with anxiety, and claims that’s your fault for having been too strict and making them feel “unsafe” when they were young.
This is not your perception, and your immediate response might be to defend the actions that you know were valid at the time. In this case, rather than getting upset with them about their accusations, the better option is to validate their perception of their upbringing. To be clear, that doesn’t mean you have to agree with their view or admit fault if you genuinely don’t think there is truth to it. It’s simply acknowledging that they felt hurt, whether that was your intention or not.
You can tell them that you’re sorry they were hurt by those actions as a child and that it wasn’t your intention. What’s more, you can ask how best to support them now and work together to alleviate their struggles.
7. Establish clear boundaries about what is and isn’t acceptable during discussions.
While it’s important to have open dialogues with your adult children about their difficulties, it’s not okay for them to behave abusively towards you. This is where setting and enforcing boundaries with your adult child comes in.
Make it clear to them that you’d like to improve your relationship with them and would like to work together to repair any damage they feel was done. But also make it clear that disrespect is unacceptable, and that you’ll limit communication with them if they become abusive.
If you feel that it would be beneficial, consider working with a family therapist to help mediate your discussions. Your adult children may feel comfortable hurling accusations and profanity towards you in private, but are less likely to do so in front of a witness. Additionally, your children may be more inclined to listen to an unbiased third party’s observations and advice than to the person they feel has wronged them.
8. Work through your emotions with analysis and self-care.
Take time to work through why you’re choosing to accept the guilt your adult children are trying to hand to you. This is where you go through the things that they’ve said and determine whether there’s any validity to their perspective.
For example, do you feel guilty about times when you weren’t as good a parent as you might have liked, and you prefer not to think about those things? Or have you taken up the impossible burden of feeling responsible for every hardship your children have experienced?
Forgive yourself for the times when you may not have behaved perfectly because you were stressed, sick, or overwhelmed. Parents are human, doing the best they can, and nobody has gone through life without accidentally hurting others.
If you can, book some time with a therapist to help you work through blocks you come across. Make self-care a priority and keep a journal that documents your interactions with your children as well as your own thoughts and feelings. This may prove invaluable as you move forward on your healing journey, together.
Final thoughts…
A person can do almost everything “right” and still be blamed for perceived wrongdoing. This often happens when individuals feel too sad, scared, and overwhelmed to take responsibility for their own lives, especially the mistakes they’ve made. It’s too shameful and difficult to face their own shortcomings, so they take the easy route and place the blame on an easy target instead.
By determining the truth of the situation and making a solid plan to move forward together, you can release the guilt and focus on strengthening your future relationship instead.
