We often hear people talk about how they should have left their unhappy relationship years before it ended but stuck around for one reason or another. If you’re miserable in your partnership but aren’t yet admitting it to yourself, or you suspect that those around you might be, keep an eye out for the 12 telltale behaviors below.
1. They bemoan their fate (while changing nothing).
What a person isn’t changing, they’re choosing. That said, many of them choose to do nothing except complain about their misery while still wallowing in it. After a while, this osmoses into every aspect of their life: the tendrils of their unhappy relationship creep into and affect everything else around them.
Their moaning affects everyone else around them, too, since their negative energy and behavior permeates every conversation they have and drains the energy out of people. They may even find that people start trying to avoid spending time with them, which, of course, only gives them more to moan about.
2. They overcompensate by publicly focusing on how great their family is.
You know that people aren’t doing well in their relationship when they suddenly start to post photos and quotes on social media about how amazing their partner is. We all know at least one of those people who talk overmuch about how happy they are, with hashtags like #loveofmylife to compensate for how unhappy they are. And it’s not just our perception, research has shown that people with weaker relationships post over-the-top displays of affection to try and feel better about their relationships.
What we post on social media says a lot about us, but not always in the way we hoped or intended.
3. They experience melancholy or depression.
A person who is unhappy in their relationship might suffer from increasing amounts of depression or show certain obvious signs that their mental health is declining. They may become lax in their self-care or hygiene routines, sleep a great deal, shuffle around moaning and sighing, and not take part in things they used to love because they don’t have the energy or desire to do so.
4. They become snappish.
They tend to be short-tempered and irritable about small, trivial things for no obvious reason. The tiniest thing will set them off, like a spoon being put in the wrong cutlery drawer tray or the toilet paper roll being put on backward. Their behavior becomes so unpredictable that everyone walks on eggshells around them, trying to avoid their next eruption.
5. They feel resentment towards other people’s happiness.
When others talk about things that have been bringing them joy, they’ll respond with an embittered smile and comments like “That must be nice — I wonder what that feels like”. They dislike hearing about other people’s happiness because it magnifies their awareness of their own misery. They may not even realize they’re becoming bitter and resentful, but everyone around them certainly does.
6. They self-medicate.
They seek to numb their mental and emotional pain by any means necessary. Depending on the person, this might revolve around alcohol, various types of drugs, or a combination of both.
These behaviors become self-destructive coping mechanisms. They may dull the pain in the short term, but they only cause greater problems for both the person and their relationship in the long term. Not only that, but this can lead to serious health issues, especially since certain chemical combinations can have devastating consequences.
7. They disassociate.
For those who don’t like to self-medicate, they may disassociate instead. Or a person may do both. People who disassociate are those who seem utterly checked out, spend their days scrolling on their phones, binge-watching TV shows for hours on end, and don’t hear when others speak to them because they’ve numbed themselves to their surroundings. According to mental health charity Mind, disassociation can become a learned behavior to deal with stressful experiences that can last for hours, weeks, or months.
These sorts of behaviors may start as coping mechanisms to distract a person from what’s going on in their relationship, but over time, they become a type of unhealthy escapism, which is a classic sign that someone is unhappy in their life but trying to hide it.
8. They avoid their partner as much as possible.
They’ll find excuses to get away from the house and stay away as long as they can. Some might become workaholics and spend all their time at the office, while others will go out with friends, visit family, or get involved with volunteer work — anything to be away from their partner as often as possible. This might not even be a conscious decision. They may be unknowingly engaging in this behavior in order to avoid acknowledging the misery that awaits them at home.
9. They self-soothe a lot.
They’ll place immense emphasis on personal comfort, whether it’s the clothes they wear or cozy TV shows that make them smile. Essentially anything that’s soft and soothing. Whilst self-soothing is a useful and important skill, in this context, it only masks the underlying problem. Plus, self-soothing behavior can become harmful, depending on what it involves. If the person is a comfort eater, they may find themselves grazing throughout the day on comfort foods like ice cream or chips, resulting in “Kummerspeck” weight gain.
10. They become obsessed with various pursuits.
Some people channel their unhappiness into obsessive behavior, such as cleaning the house meticulously or getting incredibly involved in a particular hobby. If they don’t already have a hobby or personal pursuit, they might try out several different ones and then revolve their life around the one that fulfills them the most. This is another way of keeping both the mind and body busy in order to avoid dealing with the issues in their relationship.
11. They are always trying to do new and exciting things to keep themselves occupied.
They’ll decide to go into carpentry and take a course on that, followed by getting a bartending certificate, or enrolling in a University program, or taking up dance classes, etc. They may not pursue these things for long, as they’re constantly seeking out new things to excite them and occupy their time.
It’s important to note that this alone isn’t a sign someone is unhappy in their relationship or even their life. Constantly taking on new projects and struggling to finish them is a fairly common behavior in ADHD, according to Additude magazine. So, as with all the items on this list, it’s important to look at the context surrounding the behavior and, importantly, whether the behavior reflects a change from their usual character.
12. They begin changing and reinventing themselves and/or their surroundings.
They might suddenly change the furniture or wall paint on a regular basis, or change their hair color or personal wardrobe style, etc. Since they can’t (or won’t) change their relationship situation, they try to change the things they can control, even though these changes are only superficial.
