Whereas some people can unwind easily and regularly, others seem to be “on” all the time. You may have witnessed this firsthand, such as seeing one friend sprawled out on a couch while the other is folding laundry or making lists of all the things that need to be done for the rest of the month. So why can one person bliss out and chill when needed, while another can never seem to relax? The secret may lie in the eight common mistakes listed below.
1. Creating anxiety through “what if?” scenarios.
According to Psychology Today, approximately 85 percent of what people worry about never comes to pass. Most people find themselves worrying about all the things that could go wrong in their lives, and end up spiralling into devastating worst-case scenarios. For example, they might worry about slipping and falling in the shower, with nobody finding out for days, and then being eaten by their cats, and then who will take care of their cats? It goes on.
If you find yourself freaking out about all the bad things that could potentially happen, stop and ask yourself, “What if it all turns out okay?”. This is often enough to stop an anxiety spiral from drawing you down into full panic mode. Learn to accept that nothing in life is ever certain, and you’ll be able to deal with whatever unfolds with far more grace and strength than you give yourself credit for.
2. Living in a state of sensory overstimulation.
A lot of city dwellers who work full-time jobs discover that they can only relax when they go on vacation to a woodland cottage or beach resort. They try to hold onto that relaxation and re-create it once they’re back home, but never seem to be able to do so. The reason this happens is that when they’re immersed in a more natural environment, the onslaught of sensory stimuli that they’re normally exposed to is halved at the very least.
This is one of the reasons why I left the city over a decade ago and moved to a cabin in the woods. It was only after spending a few weekends at my partner’s family cottage that I realized just how much of a cacophony I had to deal with on a constant basis — from working overtime at my laptop to a never ending stream of music, traffic noise, planes flying overhead, neighbors yelling, and so on. Most people don’t realize just how much they try to tune out until they don’t have to do so anymore.
If you fall into this category, aim to limit your sensory overload as much as possible. This can be particularly important for neurodivergent folk, such as those who are autistic, ADHD, or both (AuDHD), and for introverts. Turn off phones and other devices an hour or two before bed, and read a book or meditate instead. Reduce or eliminate noise from your appliances, cut back on scented products, and aim to sit in silence for at least ten minutes, twice a day.
3. Being surrounded by clutter and chaos.
The external reflects the internal in many ways, and the things that surround us can either improve or harm our mental state. For example, according to VeryWellMind, clutter can increase stress by distracting us, making us feel edgy and claustrophobic, or putting pressure on us on a subconscious level.
Basically, it’s difficult to relax in a room where there’s a pile of laundry nearby that needs to be folded, countless items that need to be put away, etc. They’re constant reminders of labor that needs to be done. As such, try to keep your bedroom and rest areas as tidy and free from clutter and chaos as possible. A five-minute blitz of these areas before you go to bed can do wonders for waking up and feeling more in control of your life.
4. Always doing something “productive.”
A lot of people feel that they need to “earn” rest, especially if they’re the person who carries the heaviest responsibility load of everyone around them. If they’re the one who’s shouldering household chores, calendar management, child/elder care, and so on, they may feel like there’s always so much that needs to be done that resting and relaxing is a sign of laziness.
This also happens if and when someone has been raised to believe that their value is in their output. Their sense of self-worth may be so linked to staying on top of tasks and exceeding others’ expectations that even at rest, they’re constantly thinking about everything that they should be doing instead, or will be tackling the second they wake up. This can be a hard lesson to unlearn. If you have kids, ask yourself if you really want them to learn and copy this unhealthy value, too? If not, use this as a reminder to stop. Now. Your worth is not determined by productivity.
5. Unhealthy people pleasing.
If you’re a people pleaser by nature (or have been turned into one through traumatic circumstances), you may be hypervigilant about anticipating others’ needs instead of prioritizing your own. Part of this may involve constantly being “on” and available, such as checking your phone repeatedly late at night to see if anyone is trying to reach you, instead of being boundaried about your personal rest and relaxation time.
When you catch yourself interrupting your own rest time to cater to someone else’s needs or wants, pause and ask yourself if this is a life-or-death situation, and whether the person can sort things out for themselves. If nobody is on fire, and they’re perfectly capable of attending to this on their own, then make it clear that you’re having “you” time that shouldn’t be interrupted. Though it’s a hard habit to break, you can stop being a people pleaser and start prioritizing yourself.
6. Excessive overthinking.
Many people are chronic overthinkers who will pull apart every conversation they have to look for potential subtext, awkwardness, and so on. Others keep ruminating over things they should have said in conversation decades ago, or agonizing over choices they need to make, and so on.
Dwelling too much on the past or over-analyzing every exchange means that the person isn’t being present. They may be exhausted, their body and mind aching for rest, but they don’t allow themselves enough space to listen to what their senses are trying to tell them. The first step is awareness. If you can start to notice when you are entering a thought spiral and acknowledge that’s what it is, you can gradually take the steps to interrupt it, either through distraction, mindfulness, or affirmations.
7. Striving for perfectionism.
Many perfectionists have a difficult time relaxing because they’re either hypervigilant about potentially making a mistake, or they’re kicking themselves for perceived errors they’ve made in the past. They may keep themselves awake as self-punishment for a misstep, doing penance for it by scrubbing the kitchen floor with a toothbrush, or organizing their socks alphabetically, and so on.
A better, healthier approach is to acknowledge that everyone makes mistakes, and it’s only by making these errors that we can learn. Nobody ever took off running after their first step; we all need to fall several times before that can happen. Overcoming perfectionism is key if you want to relax and enjoy life more.
8. Adhering to a poor diet.
A significant number of us have been raised to see food as something we shove into our mouths to stop feeling hungry, rather than vital nourishment that we need in order to function well. Furthermore, a fast-paced, stressful lifestyle often demands that we eat on the go, grabbing convenience foods like sugary muffins or fast-food takeout.
And of course, that’s ok in moderation. Food is about enjoyment, not just nourishment, after all. But these edible products are often full of ingredients that can cause everything from inflammation to insomnia, which can prevent a person from truly feeling relaxed. They may not be able to sleep because their body is trying to process excess sugar, they’ve consumed too much caffeine, or they have digestive problems from spicy or fatty foods. Wherever possible, adhering to a healthy, balanced diet that fits within your lifestyle and unique needs can do wonders for improving sleep health and overall relaxation.
Final thoughts…
It can take quite a long time to unlearn these behaviors, especially if they’ve been someone’s default setting for years. The important thing here is to be patient and gentle rather than critical. For example, if you’re meditating or reading in bed as a relaxing mindfulness practice, and you feel the sudden urge to check to see if anyone in the house needs anything, take a moment to remind yourself that others are capable of taking care of themselves. All is well. This is your time for vital self-care and softness, so just breathe and rest.
