Most of us have experienced situations in which something awful has happened to someone we know — either a breakdown, a health crisis, or worse — and then everyone insists that there were no signs; that they had no idea anything was wrong. The body language and other nonverbal clues listed below are telltale signs that someone is going through something really rough, regardless of how often they may insist that they’re “fine”. If someone you care about is exhibiting these behaviors, please know that they need help: they aren’t “fine” at all.
1. They’ve either lost or gained a significant amount of weight in a very short time.
People whose emotional or mental health is declining or reaching a crisis often experience appetite changes, according to the experts at Talk Space. Some eat to excess when they’re stressed, which can lead to rapid weight gain, while others lose their appetites and can’t eat anything at all. Appetite changes can also be caused by illness, pregnancy loss, grief, and countless other issues that are wreaking havoc in someone’s life.
If someone in your social circle suddenly gains or loses a noticeable amount of weight, it’s a good idea to check in on them. They might try to reassure you that they’re “fine”, but that’s usually because they’re just trying to keep it together so they don’t fall apart completely.
2. They’re always tired.
No matter how much they sleep or how much time off they take, they’re always tired. No amount of rest seems to be able to recharge them, and it affects many aspects of their day-to-day life. They might drop things, lose focus at work, or even injure themselves because they’ve zoned out while cooking or driving. It’s not just physical; they are mentally and emotionally drained, too.
According to Psychology Today, there are six different types of fatigue that can affect a person. These range from physical and mental fatigue from being burned out and depleted to full shutdowns or illness-related exhaustion.
3. They’ve become more lax with hygiene: both personal and environmental.
When a person who’s always well-kempt and tidy in appearance starts to look disheveled, or their normally fastidious home is suddenly packed with detritus and unwashed dishes, those are solid signs that they’re not doing well. At all. This often happens when someone is struggling with depression or grief, but it can also occur in times of burnout, intense stress, or a breakdown.
According to the team at Uncover Mental Health Counseling, they simply don’t have the energy or the capability to take care of themselves properly, let alone their surroundings. They’re literally in survival mode, and anything beyond staying alive can feel insurmountable. When I was at my absolute lowest, dealing with a combination of ill health, an excruciating divorce, and a toxic work environment, my home looked like a disaster zone, and I would sleep in my clothes because it took too much effort to change them. If a person has reached this point, “fine” is the polar opposite of how they really are.
4. They’ve withdrawn from socializing.
Withdrawing from socializing can take many forms, and mostly depends on the individual’s personality. For example, someone who usually texts back and forth with you dozens of times a day might only respond with emojis instead of words, or a bubbly, extroverted person who’s usually at their favorite cafe daily may not show up for several days at a time. Another thing that may happen is that they’ll eagerly make plans when they have energy and enthusiasm, and then cancel them repeatedly because they don’t have it in them to socialize when that date rolls around. They begin to isolate themselves from those who care.
Sometimes, when people are going through difficulty, they can’t bear to spend much time interacting with others, so they withdraw from life in general. This is often a combination of three things: they don’t have the wherewithal to be able to mask their true feelings, they don’t want to risk falling apart in front of anyone, and they’re so burnt out that it takes everything they have just to survive another day.
5. They post vague hints on social media.
Those who aren’t doing okay (but keep claiming that they’re “fine”) will often drop subtle hints instead of overtly asking for help. For example, they might post memes about someone self-harming or having a breakdown, or they might share songs about falling apart. When confronted, they’ll generally dismiss people’s concerns and insist that it’s not really that deep.
But it is.
If this is a consistent behavior of theirs, they’re trying to let others know that they’re struggling. They may not want to admit it because it’ll make them seem weak, or there are those in their life who are actively harming them, and they’re trying to be subtle, but they’re not really fine at all.
6. They go overboard celebrating holidays and other “special” dates.
People who are struggling despite a wide smile often fixate on milestones that they’ll be able to enjoy, because it helps them get through each day. They feel that they have something important to keep striving towards, and that provides them with the impetus to keep going.
As a result, they place immense importance on those dates and tend to go overboard when celebrating them. For example, a person who is fixated on a particular holiday might spend the weeks and months leading up to it buying gifts and decorations in anticipation of the joy they’ll be allowed to have on that date. Similarly, someone who has made their birthday the milestone to strive for might book an extravagant vacation for themselves to celebrate the fact that they made it through another harrowing year.
7. Their reactions are disproportionate to the situations at hand.
A person who’s going through immense stress or hardship and is trying to keep it together is essentially a powder keg that’s just waiting to explode. The tiniest thing might set them up, and then all their pent-up emotions will be unleashed, usually at everyone around them.
They might go ballistic because their favorite brunch spot cut their toast crosswise instead of diagonally, or break down weeping because there’s a hole in their sock.
These emotional outbursts are huge indications that they’re nowhere near as fine as they claim to be. Disproportionate reactions like these let others know that there’s far more going on beneath the surface than they thought, and the person who’s incandescent with rage over the pulp in their orange juice likely needs more help than they’re currently receiving.
8. They seem flat or unemotional.
This is the opposite reaction to the one above, in which they don’t seem to be fazed by much of anything. A fire could break out at their desk, and they’d just glance at it, blink, and keep working. A person who’s in this state has shut down internally and numbed out to get through whatever difficulty they’re navigating.
Numbing out emotionally is a form of dissociation, according to Very Well Mind, and can be an indicator of a significant issue in the individual’s personal life. For example, they may be dealing with abuse at home and have numbed out both to protect themselves and to prevent others from clueing into what’s going on. Alternatively, they may be in denial about a serious health issue — their own, or someone else’s — and have withdrawn into themselves because they can’t handle the reality of what needs to be faced.
9. They obsessively revisit their “comfort” media.
A lot of people find comfort and escapism in a favorite film, TV show, music playlist, or book series, and will turn to it when they’re going through a rough patch. They’ll do this because they know exactly how everything will unfold (so there are no surprises that may cause unwanted upheaval), and they have a strong emotional connection to the characters or storyline.
As a result, a person who’s unhappy in life but hiding it well might binge-watch a TV series they love for the hundredth time because they find comfort and stability in it while everything around them is in chaos. Similarly, someone might listen to a favorite song on repeat to help them regulate their emotions. Keep an eye on them, and if you notice that this behavior continues over a protracted period, check in with them again.
It’s worth noting that some neurodivergent people, such as those who are autistic, ADHD, or both (AuDHD), might enjoy listening or watching things on repeat, and in this instance, it doesn’t always signal a sign of distress. This can be a form of stimming (self-stimulatory behavior) used for enjoyment or healthy emotional regulation. So, as with all the signs we’ve listed, the key is to look for changes in behavior rather than simply the behavior alone.
Final thoughts…
It’s important to remember that people deal with hardship in different ways: there’s no one-size-fits-all approach that’s somehow “healthier” or “better” than any other. Similarly, while some people want others to reach out and try to help them when they’re going through it, others would prefer to be left alone so they can sort things out themselves. As such, if you’re keen on offering assistance to someone who’s struggling, the best thing you can do is to ask them how you can best support them through it, and then respect their response.
