A lot of people struggle with familial dynamics once their children reach adulthood. Logically, rationally, they understand that their offspring are autonomous adults with all the rights and privileges that come with maturity, but to them, their kids (although fully grown now) will always be their “little one”. As such, it’s difficult to navigate the DOs and DON’Ts of parenting when it comes to adult children. Is something too much, or too little? Let’s take a look at some basic rules of “parenting” adult children so everyone involved has an easier time of it.
1. Remember that you’re dealing with another adult here, not a child.
We get it: you’ll forever see your kid as the toothless seven-year-old who ran around in the mud and befriended toads, regardless of how old they are now. That said, constantly reminding your adult children about the silly things they did when they were younger, and treating them the same way at 30 as you did when they were 8, can get tiresome very quickly.
Now that your children have grown, psychologists advise that your respective roles have changed. You might have difficulty seeing them as equals because you remember all the dirty diapers and teenage screaming matches, but now that they’re adults, they deserve the same degree of respect that you do. If you want to stay connected to them, aim to see and interact with them as adults rather than the kids they used to be. A good rule of thumb is this: when dealing with your adult children, ask yourself if you’d speak or behave the same way towards a stranger who’s the same age. If the answer is no, then adjust your behavior accordingly.
2. Ask yourself why you feel the need to “parent” them.
Some people struggle once the nest is empty because they no longer feel like they have a purpose. Because of this, they often overstep when dealing with their adult children: they want the comfort and security of a parental role, and get upset when their well-meaning behavior and advice are unwanted and unaccepted by their children. This rings especially true if you offer your kids unsolicited advice that is completely the opposite of anything they’re interested in, or doesn’t suit them at all.
I recall my partner’s mother calling her and suggesting that she switch careers to work in mortuary makeup. My partner has been a writer and art director for decades, but that didn’t seem to sink in with her mother. Instead, she thought of a career that she would have wanted, and suggested it to a person who had zero interest in it whatsoever, then got offended when her recommendation was dismissed.
Treat your adult child as an adult, not a kid or a vicarious offshoot of your own personality, and you’ll be surprised at how much more receptive they can be to you.
3. Help by providing tools, but don’t spoon-feed them instructions.
We use the phrase “raising children” when it comes to parenting another person, but what’s actually happening is that we’re raising human beings into adulthood. This comes with a responsibility to provide our offspring with the tools and skills necessary to succeed on their own, and that includes basic knowledge like cooking, cleaning, and repairs. That said, some kids rebel horribly and refuse to learn when they’re young, and end up as adults who don’t know how to sew a button back on or use a floor steam cleaner.
In cases like this, if your adult child comes to you asking for help, encourage them to try to figure it out on their own first. Frame it in such a way that you won’t always be around to give them all the answers, and encourage them to read instructions or try things out by themselves before you step in to help. Parent coach, Dr Jeffrey Bernstein, says you should allow them to make mistakes so they can learn from them, otherwise, you risk enabling them and stifling their independence. If you always rush in to save the day when they screw up, they’ll feel like they always have a safety net, which will be devastating when you’re gone and they have to adapt when the SHTF.
4. If you see them struggling, check in.
Life is more challenging than ever nowadays, so if you sense that your adult child is struggling with something, and it’s clear that it won’t resolve by itself, ask if they’re ok and if they need to talk. If they do, then ask how you can best support them, i.e., whether they just need to vent, or if they’d like you to offer solutions. Sometimes the best thing you can offer them is to listen without judging, as a safe sounding board for them to get things out and work through them on their own. Alternatively, they may take your invitation as an opportunity to be honest about their struggles and let you know that they’re really not okay and need help.
This approach shows your children that you respect them and their boundaries as an adult, but that you’re still willing to help them while you can. You won’t be around forever, but you’re there for them now, and will help while adhering to their boundaries rather than taking charge and bulldozing like you did when they were young. Parents who use this balanced approach tend to maintain stronger bonds with their adult children.
5. Create and hold to boundaries if they disrespect you.
When young children are disrespectful or rude to you, they can be grounded or have their allowance put on hold as punishment. In contrast, adult children need a different type of correction when they behave inappropriately towards you.
If your adult child disrespects you or takes you for granted, treat them as you would one of your peers. Let them know that their behavior is unacceptable, and let them know that it won’t be tolerated again. If needed, create distance by turning down phone calls or invitations to get together until they have both apologized and made amends for their actions. Similarly, if they take advantage of your generosity or care, make it clear that they won’t receive that same kindness from you in the future. You may think it’s harsh, but there is such a thing as being too nice to your adult kids, and it will only do you both harm in the long run.
6. Remember that their life goals are their own.
Your fully grown child is now an adult. As such, whatever they’re passionate about and have chosen to do with their life is their choice. You may feel like they’re taking a terrible life path, such as their choice in a romantic partner or career, but if they’re sincerely pursuing something that fulfills them, it’s not your call to try to force them to take another path. All this will do is create division and bitterness.
Imagine how you would feel if someone repeatedly told you that whatever you enjoy is unworthy and that you should do something else instead. Or that the person you’ve fallen in love with and want to spend the rest of your life with isn’t “good enough” for you, and you should marry someone else. It would get old pretty quickly. Unless their chosen life path is to do copious amounts of drugs under a bridge, let them be. Their choices are theirs to make, not yours.
7. Work with your community.
The phrase “it takes a village to raise a child” is an apt one, but this support and instruction go beyond childhood and allow community members to continue helping each other out well into old age. Sometimes, the best way to “parent” adult children is to work with your social circle to offer opportunities and solutions, as well as a wider range of skill sets and perspectives.
For example, if your adult child is overly dependent on you and doesn’t want to step into a role as an independent grown-up, arrange for someone in the community to approach them for “help” — taking care of their kids, planning a community event, creating a garden, etc. While they’re there, your kids may learn skills like carpentry, cooking, etc. that they refused to learn from you, but are receptive to from others. Quite often, children (of any age) will rail against their parents’ rules and guidance, but will be eager to help and please adults they aren’t related to.
Final thoughts…
All of the examples listed here assume that your adult children have moved out of the house and are living on their own. It’s a different scenario entirely if they’re still living at home, and either not contributing to the household or behaving like entitled children who still want you to do everything for them. If you’re dealing with the latter, you’ll need to take proper action to either get them to move out or, if they’re staying, to ensure that they respect you and your space accordingly, rather than expecting to be pandered to like kids while demanding to be respected as adults.
