We often talk about the importance of establishing and maintaining healthy emotional boundaries, but those are often easier discussed than defended — especially with how the world operates nowadays. Modern life is completely different from anything any of our ancestors experienced, and it constantly tests our boundaries with intrusive demands, high-speed functioning, and unrealistic expectations.
You might not even be aware of just how often your boundaries are being pushed because the things listed below happen on such a relentless basis. But once you realize they’re happening, it will take real effort to defend your boundaries more fiercely.
1. The expectation to constantly be available.
How many times has someone given you crap for not responding to their message, text, or call quickly enough? This can come from family members, friends, or even employers who seem to think that you should be available 24/7. Long gone are the days when a person could leave work at work and not think about it until 9 a.m. the following day, or when phoning a person after dinner was considered unacceptably rude.
This digital availability can cause increased stress and anxiety, as well as sleep disturbances and utter emotional exhaustion. It’s bad enough being expected to be attached to your phone day and night, without having to navigate the minefield of other people’s anxieties or resentment when you don’t respond in 0.002 seconds flat.
2. Unrelenting output.
Human beings used to have a lot more time to rest and replenish than we do nowadays. In fact, for most of human history, we only worked around 15 hours a week, according to historians. Nowadays, we’re not just encouraged to have multiple streams of income — we have little choice but to do so, thanks to the astronomical cost of living.
Research shows that approximately half of the world’s workers are currently experiencing burnout, which isn’t just exhausting: it’s detrimental to mental, emotional, and physical health. If you’re trying to maintain a healthy work-life balance, your boundaries are likely to be pushed and tested by those who want “just one more thing” from you, endlessly.
3. The pressure to share all personal information with everyone.
Back in the 1990s, the acronym “TMI” (short for “too much information”) was used regularly, especially when people shared more personal details than anyone else wanted to hear. Asking about others’ intimate lives, health concerns, and so on was considered terribly rude, and laws were established that prevented potential employers from asking questions that may overstep personal boundaries.
Modern life is quite different, since people nowadays don’t just freely overshare graphic details about their personal lives — they expect others to do so as well, and feel that there’s something wrong with those who choose to keep their private lives private.
I’ve been met with extreme hostility and even been accused of being a “walking red flag” because I don’t freely divulge intimate details about myself to complete strangers. If others choose to do so, fair enough, but when you’re pressured to betray your own boundaries in order to fit in, that’s not okay.
4. Advertising in all directions.
Advertisers’ continued battle for our attention rages onward, and research shows that the average person will see hundreds of ads on a daily basis. Those who don’t spend a great deal of time online will have less exposure to them, but they’ll still see TV commercials, signage, billboards, and so on. Meanwhile, social media is rife with adverts, and most websites are monetized with ads from different companies.
What’s particularly upsetting is how ads are increasingly more personalized and targeted to the individual who’s scrolling online, and mental health experts report that these ads can be immensely triggering to a person’s insecurities and overall mental health.
Even when you’re not consciously thinking about all the ads you’ve seen that day, your subconscious is likely mulling over whether you’re fit enough, sexy enough, have enough hair (or less of it), or if you need a more powerful anti-wrinkle cream.
5. Little to no free or personal space.
There are over eight billion people on the planet right now, and over half of them live in urban areas. This means that an astonishing number of people are packed into very small living areas, constantly dealing with others’ sounds, scents, and disruptions.
This doesn’t allow people the space or time to contemplate because of the never-ending input and distraction from all around them. You might try to read, but get disrupted by your neighbor’s metalcore band practice next door. If you try to go for a walk, you may run into people who “just want to chat”, thus preventing you from being alone with your own thoughts. And psychologists report that this lack of alone time can lead to intense stress, depression, anxiety, and irritability over time.
6. Never really being allowed to unplug.
Humans weren’t meant to know quite as much about the world as we do. We lived in small communities and dealt with issues that affected us personally, which allowed us to focus on our own tasks, responsibilities, and so on. Now, we deal with an onslaught of news 24/7, telling/showing us more awful things than we’re meant to know.
According to the American Psychological Association, this information overload can cause immense anxiety and depression in many people, as the enormity of the world’s grief and injustice is simply too much for the average person to bear. There’s no escaping it either: even if you make it clear to others that you need to withdraw for a bit and focus on your own life, you’ll see or hear about this information from all directions, unless you retreat into a remote cave without WiFi or other human contact.
7. Expectation to maintain online presence.
So many people use social media as the foundation for their lives that to avoid it (or quit it) may cause the death of one’s social life. The people you know likely post details about gatherings, parties, and other events online, expecting their friends and family members to interact with them on social rather than via text, email, or phone.
If you aren’t active online, you may find yourself excluded from numerous social functions and unaware of what’s happening in others’ lives. You may find out about a friend’s death weeks after the funeral, for example. Alternatively, you might miss out on certain job opportunities if you don’t have an active social media presence, because recruiters might assume you’re either antisocial or have something to hide.
8. Things being snuck into your food and drink that you never consented to.
It’s difficult to stick to personal ethics when companies aren’t being transparent about the food items they create. People who are trying to be diligent about environmental responsibility, vegan/cruelty-free diets, or healthier choices have to do an extraordinary amount of research to ensure that their efforts aren’t being sabotaged by unexpected ingredients. The food industry is notoriously deceptive, and even the most diligent consumers may find themselves eating or drinking things they never consented to, and that go against their deepest morals.
This is incredibly disheartening, and you might feel depressed about your boundaries being almost impossible to uphold in the face of this injustice. It’s especially awful if you have neither the means nor the time to grow and prepare your own food, but are instead dependent upon an industry you can’t trust in order to stay alive.
9. Social demand to be aware (and active about) every subject under the sun.
Many people believe that others need to be just as passionate about certain topics as they are, and anyone who says they don’t know enough about X subject to have an informed opinion is immediately met with hostility and contempt.
You might have been berated to “do better” when you’ve mentioned that you were unfamiliar with a particular issue, or if you’ve said that you’d prefer to remain neutral on the subject until you learn more about it.
Nobody is capable of activism on every pressing issue going on in the world, and the overwhelm that many people deal with due to awareness of global plights and injustices can paralyze them into inaction. You might really want to fight the good fight about the issues you care about, but since you feel like you don’t have the energy to also fight for the millions of other issues out there just as fiercely, you shut down for the sake of your own sanity.
Final thoughts…
Being aware of all the ways in which your boundaries are being tested might feel overwhelming or depressing, but that awareness is key to protecting yourself more fiercely. Don’t berate yourself for not clueing into all of this earlier: most of us normalize stressful, unhealthy situations in order to deal with them.
The key here is to determine which boundaries are most important to you, and then take action to protect and defend them to the best of your ability, despite modern demands to the contrary.
