A lot of people have ideas of what relationships “should” be like, often influenced by daydreams and fictional stories rather than reality. As a result, these people are often unhappy in their relationships because they feel that there’s something wrong with them. Quite simply, they don’t look like the partnerships they’ve seen on TV or always dreamt of having.
If you are clinging to the ridiculous relationship expectations mentioned below, you might be miserable without just cause. By recognizing these fictions, rather than relationship reality, you can wake yourself from the daydreams and pursue real, solid partnerships instead.
1. The “If It’s Meant to Be, It’ll Be Easy” Illusion
One common but ridiculous illusion people have about relationships is that once they’ve met their “person”, everything will fall into line perfectly and they’ll have a harmonious partnership forever. This couldn’t be further from the truth, and all relationships involve frustrations, arguments, misunderstandings, and more.
Relationships require hard work from both parties because there are two distinct individuals with their own thoughts, emotions, preferences, and past issues trying to work as a united team. Once you gently let go of the fairytale idea of perfection and dedicate yourself to working through issues with your partner as an equal, you’ll be much happier.
2. The “Love Will Fix Everything” Illusion
Love is an immensely powerful emotion, and can create intense bonds between people, but that doesn’t mean it’s the glue that can hold a couple together in a healthy, supportive partnership. If two people are incompatible in countless ways, those incompatibilities will erode even the most powerful loving connection over time.
This is why it’s so important to cultivate a relationship with someone you connect with on multiple levels. You don’t have to have everything in common — in fact, it’s healthier if you don’t — but all the love in the world won’t mend rifts caused by irresponsible financial management, poor mental or physical health and hygiene, conflicting life goals, completely clashing personalities, and so on.
3. The “If They Really Loved Me, They’d Change” Illusion
Many of us have made this mistake with our relationships, especially when we were much younger and inexperienced, so don’t beat yourself up for this one too much. We’ve all seen films and TV shows in which someone meets a person who might have some issues, but chooses to overcome them for the sake of the one they love. It’s what led to the “I can fix them” memes that countless people worldwide can relate to a little too much.
Having dated my fair share of tortured musicians, several of whom were much fonder of their drugs and alcohol than they were of me, I can well relate to the illusion that if they had really loved me, they would have chosen to change. It took several awful partnerships to realize that loving a broken person for their potential wasn’t enough, and if they didn’t choose to change for themselves, they’d never change for my benefit.
4. The “Constant Passion” Illusion
Hopeless romantic types are often under the mistaken impression that their relationship will be full of the same intense passion and romance as they had in the early days. We’re talking Morticia and Gomez Addams levels of obsession with one another, ‘til death do them part (or in some cases, beyond that).
In reality, the first sparks that light the fire of a relationship will reduce to a low smolder over time. This doesn’t mean that there’s anything wrong here, but rather that people fall into calmer rhythms with one another, especially once domestic chores, childcare, and aging are tossed into the mix.
If you’ve been ending relationships every time the spark dies down because you want that “spark” to stay alive, you’ll likely end up disappointed and very lonely. Instead of chasing intense passion, choose to nurture those glowing coals so they maintain a deep, warm heat: they’ll burst back into flame now and then, but will keep you warm in between fiery bursts.
5. The “My Partner Completes Me” Illusion
The phrase “You complete me” was glorified after it was used in the film Jerry Maguire, but in a healthy relationship, the two individuals are already complete: they’re choosing to be together because they get on well and complement each other on numerous levels.
Someone who wants a partner who “completes” them is implying that something is broken or missing in them that someone else is required to fix. Feeling whole and complete is something you need to seek on your own terms, and only then will you be able to participate as an equal in a functional, healthy relationship.
6. The “We’re Meant to Be” Illusion
Maybe you do your dates’ astrological charts shortly after meeting them and decide that you’re destined to be together. Or perhaps you have so many odd coincidental things in common that it seems like you two were predetermined to be soul mates.
While destiny is a lovely thing to think about, and may be important to you as part of your spiritual practice, it can be detrimental when it comes to romantic relationships. If you feel that you’re “meant to be” with your partner, you might overlook serious problems because you’re certain that everything will work out fine. Similarly, if your partner insists that you’re destined to be together, you may feel trapped in a partnership you don’t want.
7. The “Perfect Partner” Illusion
When you ask young people what their “perfect partner” is like, they’ll often describe a veritable Frankenstein’s monster amalgamation. They’ll describe different body types, hair color, personality, preferences, career choice, and so on, which all combined will add up to their dream partner.
No real person can encompass all of those traits. Even if you do find someone who ticks most of those boxes, that doesn’t mean they’re a good person, or that they’ll be interested in you in turn. Let go of your idea of a “perfect” life partner, and look for compatibility, shared goals, a great personality, respect, and kindness instead. Attraction is important as well (of course), but don’t write someone off if they aren’t your idea of perfection.
8. The “Sacrifice Equals Love” Illusion
While it’s important to find compromises in relationships, sacrificing oneself for another’s happiness and well-being will only breed unhappiness and resentment over time. Sacrificing yourself to make your partner happy will lead to you feeling unfulfilled and taken for granted, especially if you’ve given up things that are really important to you.
A person who loves you will try to ensure that your needs and your happiness are a priority. Sacrifice is inevitable from both partners at times, but there is a difference between healthy and unhealthy sacrifice. And if you’re the only one whose priorities and needs are being burned, that’s unfair. It isn’t noble or admirable: it’s you being used and mistreated for another’s benefit.
9. The “My Partner Should Read My Mind” Illusion
Many of us have been on the receiving end of “If you don’t know, I’m not going to tell you” from a partner at some point in our lives. While we might get to know each other well over time, we’re never going to be able to read each other’s minds. We might intuit some things at times, but we’ll assume things through the filters of our own experience. As such, your partner won’t “just know” what you need or want unless you tell them.
Expecting them to read your mind and simply know what it is you want (or what’s upsetting you) isn’t fair to them and will only breed resentment on both sides. Rather than expecting your partner to be a mind reader, learn to communicate clearly and respectfully so you can help and support each other as equals.
Final thoughts…
Most of us have experienced moments where we’ve thought, “This isn’t how I expected things to be”. We’ve all had dreams and ideas of how relationships will pan out, but those are all based on our own preferences and biases, and don’t take into account the wildcard that is another human being’s autonomous free will.
Rather than expecting someone else to look, feel, and behave exactly as you imagined, enter into relationships with an open mind, clear communication, boundaries, self-respect, and loving kindness. The right partnership is sure to flourish in that foundation.
