For those of you who know what a healthy relationship looks and feels like, you’ll be aware of the difference that these 10 things bring to the table. It’s likely that you don’t doubt your spouse’s feelings toward you, because even when things get tough, you’re in a healthy loop of respectful dynamics. And for those who aren’t as familiar with a partnership like this, I hope I can draw your attention to the kinds of standards you deserve and the things you should always feel comfortable doing in a healthy relationship.
1. Having difficult conversations.
With life being as complex as it is, you’d be hard-pressed to never have to have a difficult conversation with your spouse. They ultimately crop up, and if you’re in a healthy relationship, they’re dealt with compassionately, patiently, and comfortably.
The fact of the matter is, if one of you has something serious going on, or has a problem on your mind you need to share, the other person will listen with the intent to help solve any issue between you or to simply hold space for you, if that’s what you need.
Even healthy relationships aren’t always a walk in the park, but people who want to keep the ship of love sailing will do what it takes, and that involves engaging in difficult conversations when the need arises, without worry or judgment that you, or they, are ‘going there.’
2. Expressing their emotions.
When you’re around the wrong people and the energy doesn’t quite match, your emotions tend to get buried. Whether it’s being afraid to be happy for fear of drawing attention to yourself, or being worried about expressing frustration or disappointment in case it ignites rage in another, emotions can purposely, or unconsciously, be denied.
The glorious thing about a healthy relationship is that you can express your emotions in a way that honestly lets the other person know how you’re feeling, without taking it out on them.
For example, “Something happened at work today that made me so angry.” Not only are you saying you’re angry, but you’re not allowing it to convert to blaming your spouse for how you feel. You’re pinpointing it and opening the door for a conversation about your day together.
And it works the other way, too. Expressing emotions about the relationship itself is just as important. In a healthy relationship, that kind of vulnerability is given honestly but without attack, often using “I” statements instead of “You” statements. And in return, it’s met with openness, not defensiveness, because you both know that sharing it is an act of love, not a declaration of war.
3. Listening to the other person.
When you listen to the other person in your relationship, you’re not just listening out for words. You can also listen to that shift in the air, as it thickens with unspoken stress or conflict. Sometimes, what goes unsaid is the very thing you need to spot so you can take action on the days that might seem overwhelming.
Of course, that’s easier said than done. Not everyone processes social or indirect cues in the same way, and that doesn’t make them unhealthy to be in a relationship with. Still, when you’re in a relationship with someone, you take the time to get to know their ways and the signs that indicate something might be off. A lot of the time, it’s simply about paying attention.
Because if you switch off, as so many people in relationships tend to do, you’re switching off your radar. The one thing you’ve got to instigate that age-old question, “Is everything okay?”
And a healthy response, if everything isn’t okay, is to be direct and honest and say, “Actually, no,” and then proceed while the other listens.
Healthy relationships will regularly visit this scenario. And although not all problems can be solved, they are at least listened to respectfully. After all, most people just want to feel heard in their relationships.
4. Compromising fairly.
You’d be so surprised at the number of people in a relationship out there who are still unwilling to compromise. What they say goes. What they want, they get, and the other person just has to put up with it, or leave.
If there was only a third option…
There is! The art of compromise means you often meet in the middle, where each of you gives up something small in order to reach a happy medium, and I think that’s exactly how it should work. For example, you want to visit and stay at a place where you’re both happy; otherwise, one of you ends up resentful and bitter.
It’s worth pointing out that some people need certain things done a particular way. For example, a lot of autistic folk experience the world in a way that means doing things in a specific way isn’t so much a preference as a necessity because of the way their brains are wired.
That’s where open communication comes in again. Regardless of your neurotype, being able to explain your non-negotiables and the rationale behind them, and to listen and respect your partner’s, means you can figure out which things you are each willing to compromise on, and which you aren’t, to ensure it’s not always one person making the sacrifices.
5. Being able to agree to disagree.
It’s a big one, but don’t mistake disagreement for arguing, yelling, and slamming doors. Disagreements should look like puzzles you’re trying to solve together, rather than a mess you’re going to have to clear up afterward.
An argument will usually derive from a power struggle. Somebody has to be right, and they’re trying to prove their point without considering your thoughts and feelings. Disagreeing is more like, “You have your opinions, and I have mine, and that’s okay.”
You can chat about it and even debate it lightly, but the moment you try to persuade somebody to think like you, it will turn into a less-than-ideal situation. Emotionally healthy couples understand that, and they accept that some things just can’t be agreed upon. And assuming those things aren’t relationship deal breakers for either party, it really doesn’t need to be an issue.
6. Actively retaining their own identities.
We all lead such busy lives, but when we press pause and are offered time to think about our own identities, what comes up? The answers will rarely remain static, because as life happens, we flow and learn along the way. Knowing who we are involves being curious, but you know what else?
It involves knowing that you’ve got somebody who gives you the space for that curiosity.
When you’re in a healthy relationship, you should expect the other person to come with their own identity attached to them, and you should feel comfortable bringing your own, too. Losing yourself or becoming co-dependent in a relationship is never healthy. You should get along and have things in common, but also, for it to work long-term and healthily, you need your respective identities to have space to grow and exist.
7. Being transparent about finances.
Bills, bills, bills! They’re forever coming in and needing to be paid. Finances change, shift, and sometimes need discussing. Your income may ebb, and mine might flow. Who catches what bill in those circumstances, and how can you budget while saving and having enough to live?
You can’t avoid the inevitable, and none of us are exempt from paying our way in this world, but we need to feel comfortable talking about it. For those in healthy relationships, this just is the case. Money shouldn’t be an awkward concept. When you share your life with someone, it’s imperative that your finances make sense and are dealt with responsibly, because your financial decisions no longer exist in isolation.
8. Apologizing – and meaning it.
I know, I know. “I’m sorry” is a phrase that so many people seem to choke on, but if you don’t, you know how freeing it can feel to say sorry and mean it! Honestly, if you know you’ve done something to upset your partner, or you happened to without intent, an apology and following through with an authentic, “This won’t happen again,” will ensure your relationship remains healthy and transparent.
What better way to earn and reciprocate trust and respect than proving you can put your wrongdoing in the spotlight and showing the person you’re with that you can do better?
Apologies come easily to those who want to work on their relationships, rather than seeking to destroy them. It’s healthy and normal to make mistakes, but more importantly, it’s healthy to own up to them.
9. Encouraging each other.
We should all have dreams that we wish to turn into goals, shouldn’t we? It doesn’t matter what they are, just that you actively have something you wish to work on. And it’s nice to know that you have somebody who can step in and be your hype man or woman when you have those off days, or during times when you think, “Am I really aiming too high here?”
A little encouraging nudge and word can change the outlook of your spouse, who is working hard at trying to succeed. You’re there, even if it’s just as a presence and a smile. You’re making the time, prioritizing their need for support. And you don’t even have to be asked, because what means a lot to them, by default, means a lot to you.
10. Showing affection in a way that meets both of your needs and comfort levels.
Most people want affection, but it doesn’t always have to revert to the most intimate form there is. It can start with an affectionate hold, a compliment, giving your attention to the person you love, or doing something thoughtful for them.
In healthy relationships, affection isn’t, “Let’s get to bed.” It’s more, “How can I make you feel loved?” And everyone feels loved in different ways. But one thing is universal: there is no room for manipulation or guilt in healthy love, just the promise to make your spouse feel comfortable and wanted in the way they need. And over time, those moments of affection build up to a beautiful and long-lasting connection between the two of you.
Final thoughts…
Healthy relationships are not a destination you arrive at and then kick back and relax. They’re something you actively choose, every single day, in the big moments and the small ones. And the only way you can do that is by being comfortable enough to do the 10 things on this list.
And if you’re not, it’s time to ask yourself why. Is it that something in your past has made you feel like you’re not worth these things? Or that the relationship you’re in simply isn’t right for you? Either way, you deserve better, and becoming aware of that is always the first step.
