Most of us have witnessed couples having atrocious fights in public. Some have had screaming matches in the street, while others have made scathing remarks to each other over dinner at restaurants, on planes, or at family gatherings. After hearing what some of these individuals have said, it would be astonishing to think that their relationship emerged unscathed.
Of course, disagreements are inevitable in any relationship, but how they’re handled makes all the difference between healthy resolution and potentially permanent harm. The approaches listed below are ideal for ensuring that arguments never damage a partnership permanently.
1. Active listening.
For many couples, arguments revolve around saying what they want, rather than hearing what the other person has to say and responding accordingly. When their partner is talking, they’re barely even listening — they’re just waiting until it’s their turn to speak again.
Those who can argue without damaging their relationship do their best to listen to and understand what their partners are saying, rather than half-listening and responding to their own thoughts and completely missing what was actually said. To avoid misunderstanding and misinterpretations, they’ll repeat what was said back to each other to confirm that they heard correctly, and ask additional questions if they need further clarification.
2. De-escalation strategies.
When my partner and I argue, our immediate response is to bring down any heightened emotions so we can talk things out calmly and rationally. Our go-to approach is to make some tea and a snack, and share that small repast before continuing. This helps to balance blood sugar, and also gives us the opportunity to work through our own thoughts and reactions so we can express ourselves properly.
There are many different approaches you can use to de-escalate a conflict, so do some research about the ones you think would serve you best. Then try a couple of them out the next time you and your partner have an argument. From there, you can determine which methods work best for the two of you.
3. Cooling down to regroup.
Things that are said or done in anger can’t be taken back. Sometimes we can do damage control if we spend a significant amount of time rebuilding trust and healing hurt feelings, but as the saying goes, an ounce of prevention really is worth a pound of cure.
A great way to avoid causing any damage to one another is to take some time to cool down before continuing the discussion. Go for a walk, take a cool shower or bath, use some calming breathing techniques, suck on an ice cube, or press a bag of frozen vegetables against the back of your neck.
Literally bring down your body temperature, and your heightened emotions will lower as well. (As an aside, this trick also works really well with kids when they are having meltdowns or are otherwise inconsolable.)
4. Remaining present rather than bringing up old hurts.
When a couple is together for a long time, it’s inevitable that they’ll end up hurting each other somehow. These injuries are usually accidental and often come about when one or the other is stressed or otherwise damaged. Of course, even unintentional hurt still hurts, but once the hurt is addressed and moved past, it should remain in the past.
As such, those who argue without damaging one another or the relationship refuse to dig around in past muck to dredge up the things that hurt them before. They aren’t the same people who either caused or experienced that hurt in the past. They keep in mind that the only things that need to be addressed in the present are what’s going on right now, and that’s it.
5. Addressing one issue at a time.
In my experience, arguments often happen when people are feeling overwhelmed by a number of different things at once. For example, if neither partner has slept well in days, work is causing stress, and chores are being done half-heartedly, there’s a greater chance of miscommunication and potentially snapping at one another.
The best thing to do in a situation like this is to choose the issue that’s the most pressing and work to resolve it without bringing up anything else in the discussion. Once that issue has been worked through, then you can decide together whether you’d like to deal with it at the same time, or table it for a later discussion.
It’s usually best to tackle one thing at a time rather than trying to fix numerous things at once — especially if there’s a risk that the second issue will reignite the one that’s just been sorted out.
6. Bringing humor into the situation.
Few things can dispel tension quite as much as humor. In fact, cracking a terrible joke that has nothing to do with the conflict at hand can alleviate the bad feeling in the air and open things up to a calmer, healthier exchange.
Bad “dad” jokes, hilarious animal fail videos, atrocious memes, and video clips from comedy shows are just a few options you can tap into. It’s difficult to remain upset when you’re laughing so intensely that you start hiccupping.
Additionally, laughing allows you to expel pent-up feelings in a healthy, neutral manner that leaves both of you feeling much better than yelling or crying would.
7. Maintaining loving, respectful dialogue.
Couples who are focused on healthy conflict resolution make a point of speaking to each other with love, compassion, and respect, even when tensions are riding high. At no point do they stoop to using insults, passive-aggressive language, invalidating phrases, or unfounded assertions in an attempt to gain dominance in the argument or forcibly silence the other person.
Instead, they keep in mind that each of them is the most precious person in the world to the other, and speak to each other accordingly. Just because you’re having an argument, that doesn’t stop your partner from being your sun and stars: there’s simply a cloud across them for a moment. Keep that in mind, and you’ll never say anything that may cause lasting damage — even in the most heated exchange.
8. Determining the desired resolution and creating an action plan.
Once everything has been discussed, and all issues are out in the open, couples who are intent upon keeping their relationship strong and healthy will work together to determine the resolution that would serve them best. From there, they create an action plan that they can work on together so the issue they addressed doesn’t arise again.
For argument’s sake (no pun intended), let’s say that the heated discussion was because one partner felt taken for granted and weighed down by more than their fair share of domestic labor, and the other felt defensive about it.
Rather than slinging barbs here and keeping tabs of who has and hasn’t done what, the best approach is to write out a list of all the household duties, and delegate them fairly according to each partner’s abilities and personal leanings. Taking action like this helps to dissipate any ill feelings while avoiding future tensions around the same topic.
Final thoughts…
Arguments generally occur because of misunderstandings, miscommunication, unmet needs, or stress. When a couple behaves like a devoted team that’s working together, they can weather any storm. It’s only when people turn against each other that they risk permanently damaging their relationships.
Keep this in mind any time tensions arise. Although the two of you are each other’s confidants and therefore “safe” to dump tensions into one another’s sphere, some damage can never be undone once unleashed. You and your partner chose to walk this life path together, so treat each other accordingly.
