Most people are really uncomfortable with the prospect of dying. Some try to delay the inevitable by any means possible, while others are in denial and avoid talking or thinking about it at all. They’ll say things like “If I die one day…” instead of “when”, and actively avoid those who are ill, elderly, or dying so they don’t have to deal with the subject.
The thing is, we’re all going to die someday, and it’s better to make peace with that fact sooner rather than later. Here are eight ways to help you do just that.
1. Recognize that there’s no point in getting upset over something inevitable.
When you lean into the reality of a situation rather than drawing back and trying to avoid or resist it, it’ll lose its power over you. That’s why it’s so important to accept death as inevitable instead of getting upset or freaking out about it. It’s crucial in learning to stop worrying about something you cannot control.
An adage that my partner and I are fond of is seeing a cup as though it’s already broken. Instead of grasping at it and trying to keep it safe, we view everything as already over. That way, every second we have is precious instead of wasted. The end is certain, which makes the present moment all the more sacred. We aren’t afraid of the cup breaking: it is already broken, but right now, in this breath, we can enjoy it.
If you’re struggling to accept the inevitable, remember these words from Mark Twain:
“I do not fear death. I had been dead for billions and billions of years before I was born, and had not suffered the slightest inconvenience from it.”
2. Read books about death and dying from several different cultures.
This can run the gamut from deeply spiritual books like The Tibetan Book of Living and Dying, to the darkly humorous Will My Cat Eat My Eyeballs? by mortician Caitlin Doughty. There are many comforting and beautiful poems about death, too.
Reading other cultures’ perspectives on the end of life (and what comes afterwards) can help to alleviate a lot of anxiety or confusion about what will happen when death finally arrives.
Every culture, every faith has various books about death that can appeal to different individuals. One might find great comfort in a factual, science-based text, while a more spiritual type may find solace in stories about the afterlife or reincarnation.
3. Do what you can to become more comfortable with uncertainty.
One of the main reasons why so many people are uncomfortable with the thought of death is the uncertainty of when it’ll happen. Not all of us are going to expire in our sleep at the age of 90: it’s a very real fact that death can happen at any time for any reason. This uncertainty puts a lot of people on edge — especially those who prefer to be as prepared as possible for anything they may experience, including checking restaurant menus ahead of time.
The key to alleviating this anxiety is to try to become more comfortable with uncertainty. It’s easier said than done for a lot of people, but it can do wonders for alleviating the panic of not knowing when, where, how, or why the end will arrive.
4. Try visualization techniques and meditations.
Have you ever visualized a situation before you’ve gone into it so you could rehearse everything you’d say and do as that situation unfolds? If so, you’ve likely considered all the possible things that may occur, so you can get comfortable with different responses and contingencies. Doing similar meditations on the end of life can be similarly comforting, and they come in various spiritual (or non-spiritual) flavors.
Maranasati Meditation is a Buddhist approach in which a person contemplates the various aspects of death and dying. It’s not for everyone, but some people may benefit from its practice. Alternatively, the Sufi meditation on “returning to the Beloved” is another approach that may be helpful. Rather than focusing on the body’s end and decay, it focuses on the spirit’s return to the All, with death being a gateway to awe and peace rather than an ending.
Whatever your spiritual lean might be, there’s undoubtedly a visualization, meditation, or prayer-based approach that can help you.
5. Write letters to everyone you care about.
One of the greatest regrets of the dying is that they never had a chance to tell those they cared about how they felt. If you’re feeling anxiety about something similar, think about what it is you’d like to tell the various people in your life if you knew you only had a few weeks left to live. Then, write out everything you feel on some lovely stationery, seal and address the envelopes, and keep them in a dedicated box.
Should the unexpected happen, these sentiments can be distributed accordingly, and you can rest assured that your thoughts and feelings were shared on your terms. If you’re unable to express these feelings now, you can take comfort in the fact that everything you feel will be known at the right time, so there’s nothing left unsaid or unfinished.
6. Fight and then let go.
One of the greatest pieces of advice I was ever given was: “Resolve to live as well as you can for as long as you can, and then let go with grace.” For example, if you’re staring down the barrel of a nasty terminal illness, resolve to fight for life for as long as life is worth fighting for.
Then, when the time comes when you’re in too much pain and treatment will only extend your suffering, shift your perspective and prepare to let go. Death is inevitable, but most people’s fears stem from the worry that the end is going to be traumatic. This is where you can choose to let go gently: to meet it with grace rather than begging for a few more painful seconds.
7. Exposure therapy: spend time with the dying.
Most people in the Western world are very removed from death and dying. It’s something that happens “over there”, e.g., in hospitals or clinics, whereas for most of history (and in many parts of the world still today), dying is something that’s done at home. People take care of their dying relatives and neighbors, prepare their bodies for burial, and inter or burn their dead as a community.
Since most of us won’t experience that sort of thing on a daily basis, it’s easy to understand why so many people fear imminent departure from this plane: it’s easy to be afraid of the unknown. As such, consider spending some time volunteering at a hospice. You’ll gain insight as to how people’s pain is managed, and how gently the end can be for them.
8. Make the most of the time that you have.
How often have you heard people say things like: “If I knew I was dying, I would ____.”
Well, here’s the thing: we all know that we’re dying, but most don’t like to think about the fact that it could happen at any moment. Interestingly enough, when people find out that they only have X amount of time left, they feel freed from others’ expectations and can thus follow their hearts’ calling. They can get those full-sleeve tattoos, go on luxury cruises, throw massive parties, etc.
Additionally, although it sounds very clichéd, the greatest catalyst to getting the most out of each and every day is the reminder of the imminent deadline — literally. The pressure of imminent death often brings forth the most beautiful creation. Considering that you may die any moment, rather than some far-off “someday” is a great impetus for creative expression and forward movement.
For example, Mozart created some of the most beautiful parts of his Requiem on his deathbed, and the hauntingly profound poetic hymn Heyr himna smiður was composed by chieftain Kolbeinn Tumason in 1208 shortly before he went into battle, certain of his imminent demise.
Final thoughts…
Those who haven’t come close to death before are often terrified of the prospect of it. Unfortunately, those of us who have experienced such things can’t share those experiences like a mind meld to reassure others that there’s nothing to be afraid of.
But if you’re really struggling with your imminent mortality, talking to someone who has witnessed death firsthand many times may help to alleviate your anxieties. The tips and suggestions mentioned here can certainly be helpful, but deep-seated terror about death and despair about one’s eventual end sometimes needs some extra help to work through, and there’s no shame in that whatsoever.
