An extraordinary amount of literature and poetry deals with loneliness, from the epic of Gilgamesh (2100 BCE) to Eleanor Oliphant. Countless stories about the pain of isolation have been written and sung about, but very few have celebrated how comforting solitude can be.
If you’ve been feeling lonely because you spend most of your time by yourself, and you feel like something important is missing, try the following practices. They may help you find immense comfort when you find yourself in solitude.
1. Do things you enjoy that you can’t do when other people are around.
Many of us hold back on doing a lot of things when others are around to perceive us. One person may dislike exercising in front of other people, while another may not be able to read, practice music, or study if there are others nearby. If you haven’t had much alone time for quite a while, you may have set aside a lot of pursuits until such time as you’re gifted with the solitude to indulge them.
In fact, there may be some things you don’t do except for when you’re alone, like cooking certain foods or watching the types of movies your friends and family have openly stated their distaste for. When you’re alone, you can eat what you like and sing at the top of your lungs without anyone giving you a hard time. Give it a try!
2. Peer into the dark corners you’ve been avoiding.
Those who are uncomfortable with solitude are often trying to avoid things that make them uneasy, such as issues they’ve been procrastinating about, or upsetting subjects that they’d rather not think about, because their contemplations may force them to make major life changes.
When you’re alone, you can peer into these areas without having to save face in front of anyone else. You can cry, scream into a pillow, or go a few rounds with a punching bag without anyone judging you or policing your behavior. And in doing so, you can face the crumbugglies hiding in those shadows and realize they weren’t as scary as you had assumed.
3. Get to know yourself.
Knowing and understanding yourself thoroughly grants you a superpower in today’s world. This is because self-awareness renders you practically invulnerable to controlling behaviors from other people. Those who are uncertain about themselves are much more open to being controlled because they aren’t sure of where their boundaries lie or what’s best for them. If you’ve ever wondered why some older people are much more assertive and forthright than younger ones, it’s because they’ve lived long enough to know who they are and where they stand.
I once spent several months in complete solitude, in a cabin miles away from any other humans. I didn’t even have a dog or a cat for company. That cabin didn’t have running water, had limited power from a small generator, and I only ventured into town for supplies every few weeks when I could catch a ride.
It was during that time that I really had the opportunity to analyze who I am, what’s important to me, and how I wanted my life to unfold. Solitude grants you the opportunity to truly know and understand yourself. You simply can’t do that when constantly surrounded by other people.
4. Be creative.
When you were young, did anyone make fun of your creative endeavors? Did you pour your heart and soul into painting a picture, writing a story, or composing a piece of music, only to have someone laugh and tell you how ridiculous you were? And how often were you creative after that?
Humans are naturally creative, but many repress this creativity because we don’t want our efforts to be ridiculed. We give up if we aren’t perfect immediately, or see no point to creative expression if our efforts aren’t lucrative. Solitude eliminates these barriers and opens the doors for you to explore your creativity however you like.
5. Deep-dive into self-analysis.
As mentioned earlier, many people think they’re feeling lonely when in fact they’re actually seeking distraction from discomfort. They don’t like to be alone because that’s when they may be forced to deal with the things they’ve been trying to avoid.
This is a perfect opportunity to do some deep self-analysis. Ask yourself questions such as:
- If someone else were here with you now, what would you want to talk about?
- Where is this discomfort showing up in your body?
- Are you alone by choice right now, or because you have pushed others away?
- If it’s the latter, what are you trying to protect with your solitude?
These questions help you understand your own behaviors and help you to feel truly comfortable in your own company.
6. Develop your strengths
Instead of seeing loneliness as a burden, aim to reframe your perspective. When you’re alone, you have the freedom to cultivate your talents without demands on your time. Furthermore, if you don’t know what they are yet, solitude gives you the chance to seek out things you think you may be good at or are interested in trying out.
Once you’ve ascertained your skills and passions, there’s no one to interfere with you pursuing them. You can research them online at 3 a.m. without anyone snarking at you, or practice all day without interruption. Additionally, if loneliness pops up while you’re working on making yourself even more awesome, remember that when you follow your dreams and cultivate your skills, it’s more likely that you’ll attract the kind of people you’d eventually want in your life, once you’re ready to share time with others again.
7. Go experience things that make you happy.
How often have you attended an event that you were looking forward to, only to have the experience soured by those you went with? Maybe your best friend drank too much at a concert, and you had to leave early to take care of them. Or you went to a museum with a partner who spent the whole time complaining that they were bored, or making fun of the dinosaurs or medieval items you got excited about.
When you go alone to do things that make you happy, you can spend as much time on the things you love, without having to acquiesce to anyone else’s wants or expectations. It’s all on your terms, on your own time. Enjoy every blissful second of it.
8. Really tap into your senses and experiences.
If you’re really struggling with a deep sense of loneliness and you’ve already run through many of the things on this list (or tried different methods of your own), bring your attention back to your own senses and experiences instead. Most of us live our lives on autopilot, multitasking and distracting ourselves constantly. It’s why we often can’t remember whether we’ve taken our vitamins, or suddenly realize we’ve eaten a meal without noticing.
What many people interpret as loneliness is actually sensory-seeking when those moments of multitasking fall away. We’re so accustomed to constant input that the lack thereof makes us uncomfortable.
So try fully immersing yourself in what you can see, hear, touch, feel, and taste. When you’re eating, pay attention to every flavor and texture. If you’re doing a craft, lean into it to see if you can identify the wood by its grain and scent, the fiber content of your yarn by its texture, and so on.
9. Don’t resist it.
I once read a great quote about solitude that stayed with me: “Solitude doesn’t create a person’s suffering — resistance to it does.” A lot of inner strength and willpower can be gained from leaning into solitude instead of running away from it or trying to fix it.
Most people try to avoid discomfort by any means possible. It’s why they distract themselves from grief or anxiety by scrolling on their phones or binge-watching comfort shows, or reach for pain medication for instant relief from a cramped muscle instead of taking the time to stretch it out.
When you choose to sit with your loneliness and accept it instead of doing everything you can to alleviate it, that feeling stops having power over you. You’ll become comfortable with solitude instead of running from it, and discover the immense peace that can be found within it.
Final thoughts…
Anyone who’s been in a miserable relationship knows that you can be sitting next to someone and still feel lonely. In contrast, when you feel whole in yourself, you could be in a yurt in the middle of Outer Mongolia and be wholly content with your own company.
If you’re interested in discovering other people’s joyful perspectives on solitude, this compilation by Carmela Ciuraru may provide some inspiration. And hey, there’s always Henry David Thoreau for some extra encouragement:
“I find it wholesome to be alone the greater part of the time. I never found a companion that was so companionable as solitude.”
