There’s a common mistake that many people make when they are trying to let go of the past and move forward. That is, they buy into the saying, “Time heals all wounds.” It does not. In fact, time can actually make some wounds more painful and difficult to resolve. Time can amplify and reinforce emotions related to trauma and grief, and that can lead to bitterness.
That’s because the act of grieving isn’t random. As Intentions Therapy shares, grieving is an intentional process. Some people find their way along that path accidentally. The brain knows what it needs to do to help it move forward subconsciously. But many of us interrupt the grieving process a lot. After all, who has time to sit around and be sad? The problem is that wounds fester when they are ignored rather than given the attention they deserve.
There are ways to let go of your past and move forward without bitterness. Remembering these 8 laws can help guide your path.
1. Closure is a luxury and privilege.
Closure, closure, closure – it’s all some people focus on. The problem with closure is that it requires participation from those who might have harmed you. That’s not something you always get for several reasons. Maybe the person isn’t around anymore to offer it. Maybe they’re malicious, and they enjoy the fact that they hurt you. Maybe the person is incapable of taking responsibility for their actions.
There are plenty of reasons that you won’t receive closure in life. That puts the challenge on you to create closure for yourself so that you can let go and move on. One of the easiest ways to do that is by accepting the difficult nature of life and personal problems.
For example, a friend of mine struggled with her son’s overdose for a long time. Naturally, she had so many questions that would never be answered, because the only person who could answer them was her son. She is never going to get that closure that she wants. Instead, she had to focus on the fact that her son was dealing with some mental health issues that he couldn’t overcome. In the world of mental health, that’s just the way it goes sometimes.
2. Bitterness is a form of attachment.
Bitterness can feel like power and control in a situation where you feel powerless. It feels strong because it usually comes with anger. By holding on to it, you can trick yourself into believing that you’re fighting a good fight. After all, you’re not letting the wrong action be forgotten or minimized. It may feel like the key to holding someone responsible.
But is it?
The issue is that bitterness keeps the negative feelings raw and sensitive. Your brain isn’t getting the chance to accept what happened and move on because you’re clinging to it, keeping it from moving. You don’t have to hold onto bitterness to hold someone accountable. Facts are facts, and letting go of your anger won’t change that, but it will improve your life. What’s more, you can always go back to those facts later if you need to.
3. You can be right and still suffer.
People don’t always do good things. Sometimes, you’ll be the victim of those wrong actions for no reason at all. You can be totally right, angry, and justified in your beliefs about the situation, and it still means nothing. As Psychology Today informs us, some people are incapable of taking responsibility for their actions. They don’t have the emotional intelligence or capability to do it.
A good solution is to look at that person more out of a sense of pity than anger. Why pity? Well, think of it this way. One of the most important parts of developing deep, meaningful relationships with someone is the ability to fix problems. Everyone’s different, so you’re going to bump against each other’s boundaries once in a while. It just happens.
Handling it in a healthy way is how you build trust and connection with a person. But a person who can’t take responsibility for their bad actions is not going to have healthy, intimate relationships. And that is a lonely life indeed.
4. You cannot build your identity on your pain.
I’m someone who has lived with Bipolar Disorder for a long time. For a while, I made the mistake of building my identity on my struggles. Am I actually this bitter, angry person who can’t let go of my past? There are a lot of things that my mental illness ruined for me over the years, including things like higher education and a career. However, making it my identity kept me from healing because it locked me into old patterns of thinking.
Consider this. I’m mentally ill, and when I was like 18 years old, I got kicked out of college because of my mental instability. Well, if I hold onto that, I’m self-sabotaging for the future. Yes, I’m still a mentally ill person, but that doesn’t mean I’m going to get kicked out of higher education again in the future.
I failed before because I had this unaddressed problem that I couldn’t deal with, but I’m not that person anymore. I’m older, wiser, and notably much more sane – mostly.
5. Letting go of a bad situation is not saying that it’s okay.
People love the saying “forgive and forget,” mostly when they want other people to forgive and forget their wrong actions. But letting go and moving on isn’t for the perpetrator. It’s for the person who suffered because of their actions, whether intentional or not. You’re not letting someone off the hook by accepting what is. You’re accepting what is so that you can let it go.
You’re giving yourself the space that you need to grow and heal. There is absolutely no reason you need to forget any wrong that was done to you. In fact, that would be foolish, because then it might leave you vulnerable to that person again. That’s unacceptable for healing. You need those boundaries. But you can let go of the bitterness you feel about the situation or the person.
6. Replaying the story will not lead you to healing.
Replaying the events of the wrong action can keep you stuck in that emotional space. There’s a common belief that you need to revisit the pain so you can understand it to create acceptance. The problem is that that only goes so far. There comes a point where you’re not getting anything new out of replaying the situation.
Plus, it may be a situation where you’re never going to understand it. For example, consider the actions of a severely mentally ill person during a phase of mental unwellness. Mental illness causes people to do things that are out of character, that don’t align with their personality or values, and that makes it hard to understand. If you’ve never experienced that yourself, it’s not something you’re going to understand – and that’s okay. Some things you just can’t understand.
7. Freedom is your goal – not forgiveness.
Many people paint the destination of the healing journey as forgiveness. How many times have you heard someone say, “You need to forgive to move on!” Yeah, it’s irritating, especially when you’re carrying deep wounds and trauma that isn’t forgivable. Not everything needs to be forgiven and forgotten.
However, that wrong can’t be something that you keep clinging to. Yes, the survivor has every right to be pissed off about it, but after a while, anger gets old. It stops doing things for you, like giving you strength or drive. After a while, it just burns you out and leaves you a husk of depression and sadness.
The goal of acceptance is your freedom, to unburden yourself from the anger, not to forgive.
8. Life is still happening with or without you.
We lose our present to the past by holding onto that which we should let go. It’s not exactly a new or novel idea, but many people who are stuck in that mental space don’t fully acknowledge it. All the time you spend angry, depressed, or bitter about the past is poisoning your present. You could be happy, at peace, and joyful if you can let the anger and sadness go.
That doesn’t mean that those emotions won’t visit you from time to time. You just don’t want to make it a habit to dwell in them. One important thing I’ve learned in my own life is that joy and bitterness can’t peacefully coexist in my brain. If I’m angry, then I’m angry, and I don’t want to be angry.
Final thoughts…
Healing isn’t easy. It’s a long journey when you’re carrying a heavy load. The easiest way to lighten your load is to set some of that weight down. That bitterness and anger only keep you trapped in the struggles that you’ve survived. Is that easier than done? Absolutely. But, then again, everything is easier said than done.
Words are easy. Actions? Doing the work? Now, that’s much harder. Still, once you can leave it in the past, it won’t feel as heavy. Embracing growth and healing will help you move forward. You may need the help of a mental health counselor to do that, though. I know I did.
