Before I start, I want you all to know that I am a law-abiding citizen, and I do not want you to run off into the sunset refusing to adhere to what is lawfully expected of you.
When I talk about compliance, I’m talking more about unreasonable demands on your time and energy that you find yourself being unwillingly pushed toward in your personal or even professional life.
It’s the line where you stand, deciding whether or not walking over it will cross over your standards and values. And when you’re at that line, refusing to cross it, people who want you to do what they want rather than what you believe is right will often use guilt to try and force your compliance.
If you’ve managed to stay firm, even in the face of this, it’s likely you used at least one of these 7 strategies to hold firm on your decision.
And if you didn’t. what you’re about to read will teach you how to.
1. They know to slow down before responding.
I love the quote by lawyer (and hero of mine), Jefferson Fisher, who states, “Silence may be the absence of sound, but it’s not the absence of communication.”
He advises resisting immediate response to something you find uncomfortable, and giving what was said room to breathe while you pause and reflect.
And when someone wants you to comply and is using guilt as the lever to pull you in, that silence can be the difference between giving in and walking away.
Take a so-called friend who says, “Everyone else is coming to my birthday. Why can’t you cancel work or call in sick?”
A big part of you will feel sucked in. And without the pause, you may just agree. Sure, you’ll just call in sick.
Your immediate instinct is to feel like a bad friend and want that person to know they and their birthday matter to you.
But if you allow the pause, you give yourself time to realize it is possible to have that party mean something to you while simultaneously having responsibilities you need to show up for.
And it also allows you the time to realize that to use guilt-tripping to get you to do something that goes against your values tells you the level of respect said friend has for you.
And the same principle works in so many other dynamics, too.
2. They put it out there: “Is this actually my responsibility?”
Now don’t get me wrong, we all have things we need to do, but is everything down to you?
Most of us have – at some point in our lives – worked or been around someone who sees us as the one to take everything on without complaint or comment? I know I have.
Suddenly, your job description becomes the length of the Great Wall of China, while they sit and file their nails and take a call from their boyfriend on line 2.
Nope! Repeat after me:
This. Is. Not. A. Me. Problem.
“Oh come on, I’m really behind, and I’ll miss the deadline otherwise. All I want is for you to help me out just this once.”
Just this once, like I did yesterday, you mean? Yeah …no.
It does take a certain level of firmness that might not be overly familiar to you, but the idea is to see the guilt-trip for what it is: an attempt to get you to do something that is not your responsibility.
Nobody wants to feel bad, but guess what? You don’t need to feel bad when something is not your problem to solve. Particularly if it’s a problem of the other person’s own making.
3. They keep boundaries simple, yet firm.
And they do this regardless of the consequences the other person tries to pin on them.
The silent treatment, the reminders of past times they’ve helped you.
No. If you’re being asked to do something you’re not happy doing, then no amount of guilt should get in the way of you saying no.
Holding firm can sometimes mean reminding yourself of the very boundaries you hold every day, or even having them written down somewhere visible. And it helps to keep them simple, such as, “I don’t work overtime on the weekends,” or “I do not see goodwill as currency.”
When you can see and easily bring to mind the boundaries you decide are right for you, you stand a much stronger chance of overcoming attempted guilt and remaining firm in your decisions.
And if you start to falter, remember: guilt-tripping is an intentional form of emotionally manipulative behavior. That alone should be the very reason we don’t comply, shouldn’t it?
4. They’ve learned to pick up on emotional pressure tactics.
I see what you’re doing here!
That’s a line my mind likes to throw out whenever someone tries to pressure me emotionally, but I can promise you I haven’t always had that thought.
Once upon a time, I’d be keen to please everyone I possibly could.
When I bought my house, excited and confident to get started decorating it myself, a certain someone paid me a visit. I’d not even moved in yet, but the serious stare came, followed by, “You need me. I want to pay for a painter to go through the whole house for you. You won’t be able to cope alone. I want to help you.”
I felt guilty for even buying the house at that point. Had I taken on too much?
After I reluctantly agreed, forgetting my capabilities, said individual left, and I burst into tears.
It seemed like such a nice offer, but I was beginning to learn that all offers from this person were conditional, and eventually would lead to:
“After all I did for you.”
“You know, I had to pay for all her painting to be done.”
“What thanks do I get?”
It was a turning point for me, and I vowed never to give in to the guilt again.
It was a manipulative tactic dressed up as care to gain control and overstep, and I’ve learned to spot that now. It’s a mistake I made that day for the very last time.
5. They make their decisions based on what’s right to them, not what emotion is being presented in that moment.
We forget, don’t we? All of us at some point get lost in the emotions of other people when they seem so intense, or, dare I say, manipulative.
We abandon what’s right for us, because someone else’s emotions make their need seem greater. It’s easy then to just agree with whatever’s being suggested and go along with it. We see the tears of another, and we want to make it right.
“If you love me you’d…”
“A good son/daughter would help me…”
Rather than see what’s going on underneath, we see the emotion. We think it’s the right thing to do.
But what’s right in this situation? It’s certainly not making someone feel bad in order to coerce them to comply is, that’s for sure.
Always remembering to separate the facts from the emotions will help steer you away from being guilt-tripped.
6. They accept they won’t be liked by everyone.
This one hits, but I need you to answer one thing:
If you constantly comply with everyone who asks something of you, are you actually liked by them all, or are you proving that you’re a yes person they can take advantage of?
The alternative to being taken advantage of is not being liked by everyone.
I used to be obsessed with people liking me, and I saw my worth in agreeing wherever I had the chance to. But not any more. I don’t know if it’s age, experience, or a blend of both, but now I couldn’t care less if you didn’t like me.
I don’t seek to be disliked, but I’m also aware I’m not a bar of Toblerone: not everyone likes me. I think the more I’ve built my boundaries and held firm where I once would’ve been guilt-tripped into saying yes, the more I’ve pushed people away.
But you know what? I’m ok with that. Why would I want those people in my life anyway? Those are the people who once would’ve counted on me to comply, and now I’m not; I’m of no use to them.
It’s like the trash taking itself out.
7. They say no without feeling the need to overexplain.
“The thing is, I’d love to be able to help you, but I’ve only just got home from work, and I have to get the kids ready for bed. My youngest wasn’t well at school today, so I should really stay home and make sure he’s okay. I don’t want to let you down though, and I’m sorry if I am. I want to make it up to you, so maybe when things have…”
You see where I’m going.
Just. Say. No.
It’s that easy, really it is. The more reasons you give to someone who is intent on making you feel bad, the more they will have as a weapon against your ‘no.’
Because overexplaining usually leads to oversharing, and then they have ammo to use against you and more ways to pick apart your reasons.
It can often actually be a trauma response. It seems like kindness, but it’s usually a people-pleasing approach to saying no known as fawning.
No more fawning! It’s time to hold firm and trust yourself.
Final thoughts…
I regularly see people I know resort to complying because they’re made to feel bad if they don’t agree or say yes.
I often think, “You just lack one simple strategy that will save all of this hassle and help you live a life of peace.”
But people have to learn for themselves what works, and how to implement it when they’re given the opportunity. I know for me, I just no longer care. Not in a selfish way, but in a way that protects me.
It’s high time we all protected ourselves, don’t you think?
