You’ve probably heard of the fight-or-flight response that occurs when we’re faced with potential threats – big or small – but what about the fawn response?
I don’t think it’s talked about enough, and for those who regularly react to real or perceived threats by essentially abandoning themselves, it needs to be. Fawners look to please, but it’s as involuntary as it can be. Their entire nervous system is essentially saying, “How can I help?!” in an attempt to appease others.
There are nine particular fawn responses we’re going to highlight, which are often responses rooted in trauma. It’s a reflex that’s as complex as it is personal to the individual. The worst part is often that nobody really sees it as a trauma response, instead perceiving you as simply helpful and kind.
And maybe that’s what you’re trying to be, but the real question is, why?
1. People-pleasing to excess.
A phrase like people-pleasing rolls so easily off tongues these days, and I feel it really dilutes the act. It’s serious, and there is almost always a history of trauma at the root of it.
From finding it chronically difficult to say no to people, to looking at personal boundaries as things you could never apply to yourself, people-pleasing is the epitome of abandoning yourself. Your own needs don’t matter, so long as everyone else is okay.
While being agreeable isn’t all bad, it isn’t necessarily healthy either. It’s often your brain’s way of perceiving danger and thinking, “If I keep everyone calm and happy, it’ll all work out!”
But work out for whom?
2. Agreeing, even if they disagree.
The same can be said for those who go out of their way to avoid conflict. They (like us all) are sometimes faced with scenarios where they have two choices: either they speak up and say their thoughts respectfully, or they simply nod and agree.
You’ll be surprised how many people choose to just do the nodding and smiling, even though inside they may wholeheartedly disagree.
Perhaps you disagree with someone, but you’d rather stay quiet to keep the peace. Sure, it might help in the moment, but agreeing on the spot only provides a temporary relief to fawners. In conflict, it doesn’t actually resolve the underlying problem; it just buries it, so they will inevitably run into similar situations in the future.
As Healthline states, reacting this way comes from a time when you may have experienced hypercriticism or dismissive behavior from someone, maybe a parent. In other words, you want to be liked (or loved), and your nervous system has learned that agreeing is the best way to achieve that.
3. Over-explaining their choices or actions.
When you overexplain your choices or actions, who are you trying to pacify? It isn’t you, that’s for sure. You’re working overtime to prove your innocence, or justify your behavior, and it’s a fawn response to keep you safe.
People who perceive a potential threat may think everything will be okay if they just try to preempt any anger. They don’t want to be misunderstood, and so they will write paragraphs in a text that requires a simple response, or speak until there’s no air left if it means conflict was lessened.
Trust me here, I have done my fair share of overexplaining. Often, the more you try, the worse you make any situation, and sometimes, the more ammunition you give those on the receiving end.
4. They search for constant approval.
When I was younger, I was often looked at as the person to fix things. As a teenager, when I was out, I’d be called by family members to come home as there was conflict, and everybody knew I was good at calming it.
As a young person developing my identity, I felt good helping and keeping the peace. I went from being criticized for not having any direction to having approval and a real purpose in the house I grew up in. So, of course, where I could jump in and make a situation better, I would absolutely do it.
In early adulthood, that transitioned into wanting frequent approval. I felt safe keeping people happy, but eventually it became a part of me I needed to heal. Thankfully, I learned that healing my fawn response wasn’t about caring less; it was about learning how to care authentically and not for approval.
5. They offer compliments as a way to diffuse tension.
Who doesn’t love a compliment? (Ok, some people don’t.) But for most, it feels good to receive them, but it also feels good to give them, especially when you genuinely mean what you’re saying to the other person.
But a classic fawn response is to give out compliments, praise, or even reassurance to someone who is seemingly irritated. Compliments in these circumstances act like a shift of focus. The person experiencing that fawn response is thinking, “Oh, I detect tension. I’ll make it better by changing the subject and making the other person feel good.”
Keeping everybody happy by pacifying them with positive attention is an effective way for those who fawn to neutralize any potential threat. A compliment can take a person by surprise and can sometimes be all that’s needed to achieve a level of peace.
The little girl in me is currently remembering all the times I did this myself. “You’re such a good parent. You work so hard.” I wanted to make him less miserable. I wanted to make him stop yelling at my mum. I wanted to diffuse.
6. They spend excessive time trying to be perfect to avoid criticism.
There are narcissists who want to be perfect all the time for the sake of their egos, and then there are those who want to get everything just right so people can’t find any reason to criticize them. That’s the kind of trauma response that can only come from enduring years of critical talk, and wanting to gain some kind of control over your now dysregulated nervous system.
Criticism is negative judgment, and the nervous system perceives this as some kind of danger. It learns. To avoid the danger in the future, the nervous system will look for a way to prevent that from happening again. And that’s where perfectionism comes in.
“If I could just be what everybody needs me to be right when they need it, I won’t fall victim to criticism again.”
Nothing else matters to someone trapped in a fawn response, but again, it’s a strong kind of self-abandonment to be what everyone else needs you to be, except you.
7. They mirror other people’s preferences.
This one goes pretty deep, and when I say mirroring, I mean that in every respect.
When I was a kid, I wanted my older brother to like me, so whenever he went out, I’d borrow his Guns N’ Roses CDs and learn the words to their songs. When he came home, I would sing them in his presence, to impress him and gain his approval.
It was silly, really, as he was just a classic teenager who had a slightly annoying little sister whom, of course, he still loved, but I wanted to know the love was there.
As a trauma response, mirroring exists solely to fulfil that need for connection and approval. You want to show the person you’re like them, so they like you.
8. Apologizing constantly.
Saying sorry on repeat is basically like having a magic word that dispels all dissatisfaction or anger. It’s like constantly waving a white flag, hoping people will see it and say, “Okay, no worries. All is now good.”
Internally, that reads as, “Sorry is a good way to maintain safety. Sorry calms people down. So I will take the blame even if it wasn’t my fault just to make sure people are pacified.”
As a trauma response, over-apologizing often comes from the kind of childhood that was unpredictable. Saying sorry makes you nice and small, so nobody notices you. It can also stem from an upbringing where you were made to feel like a burden or like your needs were inconvenient. As an adult, you accept and carry guilt that doesn’t belong to you, all because you exist.
Final thoughts…
Writing this was incredibly eye-opening for me about how I’ve previously dealt with conflict in my life. Potential threats were doused with a fawn response that kept me as safe as possible for as long as possible, and in a home that wasn’t always pleasant, it was my protection.
Growing up and learning a lot about family dynamics and trauma itself, I’ve come to realize that the fawn response is just as dangerous to the self as fight, flight, or freeze responses, but it never really gets talked about enough.
If any of you can relate to these fawn responses, perhaps, like me, you just wanted to get by in a house of chaos. These responses probably served you at the time, but carried into adulthood, they can do more harm than good. They can be hard to work through alone, so don’t hesitate to reach out for professional support if you need it.
