Ah, sweet, sweet self-destructive behaviors!
Most people aren’t going to understand that sentiment. But if you’re someone who’s ever used self-destructive behaviors like a security blanket, then you understand just how good they can be.
Not good in the sense that they are healthy or help improve your situation.
No, I mean good in the sense that this terrible way I’m treating myself is something comfortable, something I’m in control of, something that can offer peace in the chaos.
People engage in self-destructive behaviors for different reasons. Let’s talk about six.
1. They may be seeking immediate relief over long-term consequences.
I’ve lived with severe Bipolar-depression for over 30 years now. In the years I was undiagnosed, I would regularly engage in self-destructive behaviors because it helped me get through the moment.
As someone who was regularly depressed and suicidal, I didn’t care about the long-term consequences of anything I was doing. All I was trying to do was survive my mental illness.
It was nothing to me to drink too much, abuse substances, or drop in and out of unhealthy relationships.
I did a lot of regrettable things when I was at my worst because I had no relief from the awful things that were happening in my brain. Even today, I still have to deal with the consequences of some of those actions, despite years having passed.
Frankly, I never thought I would live this long. There are a lot of mentally ill people who do similar things. Many people are alcoholics or use drugs to escape the pain of their trauma or mental illness.
In fact, it’s so common that we have a term for it: self-medication.
2. They may feel like self-punishment is justice.
Shame drives people to engage in many unhealthy behaviors. They tear themselves down and beat themselves up because they made some mistake that they can’t move past.
I did this myself for a long time because I wasn’t a good father, and I wasn’t a good man to my child’s mother. It would be easy for me to see myself as a failure of a man because of it.
On the other hand, I had an undiagnosed severe mental illness in which I experienced psychosis and suicidality. I couldn’t even be good to myself, let alone a child or a romantic partner.
I couldn’t hold a job because I was so emotionally unstable. I couldn’t be predictable or stable because I was mentally unstable.
And I am far from the only mentally ill person who’s been down that road.
People without mental illness act like it’s no big deal to get well. “Just go to a doctor! Get meds! Go to therapy! You’ll be fine!” It took almost five years of treatment for me to even approach starting to feel “fine.”
Do I deserve to continue suffering for that? No. Self-punishment isn’t justice. I’ve suffered enough.
3. They may have built their identity around their struggle.
I spent so long drowning in my mental illness that I had a hard time seeing myself as anything but a severely mentally ill man.
By the time I started getting my head above the surface, I had no idea who I actually was.
All I knew was my struggle, bouncing between unhealthy habits and self-destructive behaviors because those are the habits I had developed over time.
My struggles and suffering had become my identity.
That’s a hard thing to let go of because you really have no way of knowing who else you could be. I couldn’t envision myself as a healthier, happier person because I had no context to understand what that looked like.
I would look at healthy, happy people and I couldn’t see myself like that because that’s not the kind of life I had. That wasn’t the kind of brain that I had.
Instead, I had to go into the whole thing blind. I had to trust the process and move forward a single step at a time, even when I stumbled backward.
Then there were the doubts. What if I can’t change? What if I can’t be better? Maybe I’m just doomed to be this person forever?
Many struggling people get stuck in that mindset and the self-destructive behaviors that come with it.
4. They may mistake intensity for passion and meaning.
There’s a particular struggle that isn’t talked about nearly enough when it comes to mental health recovery.
When you’ve lived a chaotic life filled with highs and lows, peace can feel incredibly uncomfortable and boring. Some people cope with that by reintroducing chaos back into their life.
They go in and out of relationships, quit jobs, jump back into substance abuse, or do whatever it is that would cause some chaos. They want to feel “alive” and feel excitement because they haven’t learned to find joy in the peace and quiet. It’s not really their fault.
Society and advertising are constantly dumping intensity on us because it’s what we tune in for. We doomscroll for dopamine. We buy stuff to be excited about. We take trips for adventure.
Not many people are selling, “Sit peacefully, quietly with yourself to be happy.” Unfortunately, it’s not a good sales pitch.
5. They may not believe they deserve any better.
I think one of the most tragic things I learned about self-destructive behaviors is how often they are rooted in childhood trauma.
There are some people who are essentially brainwashed by abusers throughout their childhood into believing they don’t deserve anything good.
For example, if Mark is constantly told he’s a burden and he’s worthless throughout his childhood, that doesn’t just go away when he becomes an adult.
Instead, it comes into adulthood, often in the form of self-destructive behaviors.
It’s common for people like Mark to do things like bounce through unhealthy relationships because peace and calm are unfamiliar and being loved is unfamiliar.
He may fall into the bottle, smoke something, swallow something, or shoot something up because he has been led to believe he has no value.
What’s the point of trying or being better when his own parents couldn’t even love him?
Mark will likely need to go through therapy to find his self-worth and self-esteem, to realize that he is as valuable as anyone else.
Just because his parents were damaged people doesn’t mean he has to accept their harm.
6. They may be afraid of success so they self-destruct instead.
I used to think that the idea of being afraid of success was stupid. Like, who would feel afraid of success? That makes no sense. Success is a good thing. Right?
My opinion changed on that when one of my past therapists so helpfully pointed out that I was self-sabotaging because I was unknowingly afraid of success.
I had spent so many years of my life screwing things up badly. There was no pressure for me to succeed, because I hadn’t. There was no pressure behind my responsibilities because I had failed so many times already.
But when I started recovering and started getting better? All of a sudden, there were much higher stakes.
What mental wellness I had created for myself, the healthy relationships I was nurturing, and changes in perception I was having were overwhelming.
What if I mess them up? What if I let people down who are proud of me? What if this is just a fluke, and I’m only convincing myself I’m getting better? What if…?
When those thoughts are whirling around, it’s much easier to stay trapped in unhealthy habits and self-destructive coping skills instead.
Closing thoughts…
In this article, I shared these specific points because I’ve found them to be some of the most common reasons among my struggling and mentally ill peers.
They aren’t just my story. They are the story of many people like me.
Some of us have just been so harmed by life or circumstance that we just don’t know how to find comfort or happiness in peace.
But what I learned is that we don’t have to stay in that mental space. I was able to learn new ways to live, find peace, and create happiness that didn’t require me to implode. And if I could do it, anyone can.
