When you look back at the various relationships you’ve had over the years — whether platonic or romantic — you can probably see problems and concerning behavior far better in hindsight than when they were unfolding.
I know I have, and I’ve kicked myself for not clueing into them more quickly.
The things listed here are some of the most common ones that people often ignore when they’re getting to know a new person, and end up regretting deeply as the relationship unfolds.
1. When this person is always complaining about their “crazy” exes.
Many of us have met people who seem to have been treated poorly by just about everyone they’ve ever been with.
Their sob stories are often heartbreaking, and they just can’t understand why they keep attracting “crazy,” abusive people who use them and take them for granted.
These stories often evoke sympathy from those around them. The people they date generally want to make up for all the awful things their “unhinged” exes did to them, but things invariably go south after a very short time.
They soon realize that it wasn’t, in fact, the exes who were laden with issues but the individual themselves, and they end their relationship with said individual as quickly as possible.
And before they know it, they’ve joined the list of crazy exes that this person talks about.
2. Forced closeness.
It takes time to forge bonds with new people, so it can be a red flag when someone tries too hard to get close to you too quickly.
They may act as though you’ve known each other for years, and try to immediately be your best friend and closest confidant.
Similarly, a new person you’re dating may try to bypass the “getting to know you” part of the segment and leap immediately into intense emotional intimacy, or even living together.
If you express to them that you aren’t comfortable with that level of closeness so quickly, they’ll often act hurt or defensive.
In their mind, you’re rejecting them or keeping them at arm’s length because there’s something wrong with you: if you can’t trust them immediately, then that’s a you problem, rather than an issue with them wanting too much, too soon.
It’s worth pointing out that some people do naturally want to skip the small talk and get to deeper topics straight away, and it’s not always a red flag.
Autistic folk are a good example: it’s simply their natural communication style rather than them trying to manipulate you into oversharing.
That said, for all parties’ safety, it’s best to take a slow approach to sharing sensitive information. You simply cannot know whether someone can be trusted until you know them better, and they have proven it to you through their actions as well as words.
3. Inconsistencies in the stories they tell.
One day they tell you that they’re working at a clinic; the next it’s at a hospital. Or they told you a while ago that their parents died when they were young, but then they have to cancel plans with you because their mom is sick.
Now, of course, personal information is exactly that. It should be up to the discretion of the person in question as to when and what they share, but it’s when they’re being deceitful or lying by omission that it becomes an issue.
I’ve had personal experience with this. Several years ago, I made the mistake of trusting a person who was inconsistent with the stories he told about his personal life.
I glossed over these things and blamed my poor memory for not holding onto details properly, only to find out that he had lied to me about almost everything in his life.
It was a difficult lesson to learn, but a profoundly important one.
A person doesn’t have to reveal everything about themselves or their past. But when their decisions overlap into the lives of people they’re engaging with, like future-faking a relationship with a lover while concealing their marriage and children, that’s not okay.
4. Correcting or controlling your behavior from the start.
If you and this new person are getting ready to go out and they tell you that there’s no way you’re going out with them dressed the way you are, that’s a problem.
You may brush that off as them trying to get you out of your comfort zone and present yourself in a way that’s more flattering, but it’s actually controlling behavior on their part.
The same goes for if they “correct” your meal order, or inform you of what you’re going to eat instead of asking you.
They’re seeking to establish dominance right from the start, and are likely to get upset and defensive if you push back.
How they respond when you say “no” will tell you everything you need to know about what future interactions with them will be like.
5. Gossiping about others.
You’ve probably heard the phrase “if they cheat with you, they’ll cheat on you” before. Well, the same goes for gossiping: if they’ll gossip with you about others, they’ll gossip about you with others.
You may meet someone new, and think nothing of it when they dish the tea to you about other people in their lives. You don’t know these people (yet), so it doesn’t seem like a big deal. At the time.
But once you get to know this person better and start to spend more time with them, you’ll inevitably get introduced to their social circle.
At that point, you’ll meet the individuals they were gossiping about, and may wonder how much this person has told them about you in turn.
You may discover that people who were complete strangers just days ago know all the personal information you divulged to this individual.
Alternatively, they may just give you knowing looks, leaving you wondering what exactly it is they’ve been told.
6. Suspicion and jealousy.
Behavior that may come across as curiosity can actually belie more concerning suspicion and jealousy in a new friend or potential partner.
For example, the person you’re hanging out with or just starting to date might ask you who you were texting when they were in the washroom.
Or if you’re reading texts from another friend that made you smile, they might look over your shoulder or try to turn your phone so they can see what was said too.
This is massive potential red flag behavior, because these subtle gestures are likely to escalate in the future.
Later down the line, this person may take your phone from you so they can read your messages, or look through your phone when you leave it unattended.
Then, if you’re rightly angry at them for doing so, they’ll imply it’s because you have something to hide.
The same goes for things like them getting upset with you for turning your phone to “do not disturb” after a certain time if you don’t live together. In their mind, if you aren’t available for them 24/7, then you must be doing something suspicious, and they can’t trust you.
7. Being quick to promise things, but even quicker to renege.
Many people agree to things that are asked of them in the moment, because they want others to think highly of them — even if they have no intention of following through on what they agreed to.
This is a major disconnect between the person who thinks they’re saying “maybe” when they actually say “yes”, and the one who hears “yes” and thinks it’s sincere.
This behavior often begins with something as simple as agreeing to text you the next day or agreeing to attend a party a few days later, and then not following through.
When asked about it, they’ll usually say they forgot or that something else came up, and that’s no big deal, right?
Actually, it is. And shows you how much you can rely on their word in the future.
8. When someone is discourteous to those who are kind or thoughtful to them.
How a person treats others — especially subconsciously — speaks volumes about what they’re like as a person.
For example, I read something online earlier today in which a woman talked about how she always leaves the porch light on for her husband and kids if they’re out past dark, but they have never done that for her in turn.
It may seem like a simple little gesture, but it illustrates a great deal about the people involved here.
In many cases, it seems that individuals don’t necessarily love other people: they love the way those people love them.
If the new person you’re getting to know doesn’t reciprocate other people’s little courtesies towards them, they are unlikely to reciprocate bigger things, either.
Final thoughts…
Countless people have ignored or justified the things mentioned here, only to regret them further down the road.
They come up with excuses as to why people treat them poorly, why they renege on agreements, or straight-up lie to their faces, and they abandon themselves in the process.
If you come across the things listed here in the people you meet, be very wary about trusting them too quickly.
It’s far better to err on the side of caution and open up to someone gradually than to let them in too soon and regret it later.
