A lot of people make the mistake of believing that those who are kind are also weak little pushovers. In their minds, kindness goes hand in hand with spinelessness, fear of confrontation, and the general demeanor of a doormat.
Unfortunately, those kind people are often mistreated by those who feel they can take advantage, not realizing the strength that lies just beneath a person’s actions. To curb this behavior, put a stop to the following behaviors immediately.
1. Holding your tongue when someone says or does something awful.
Many of us were raised with the adage that “being kind is better than being right”. While this may be true in some circumstances, such as refraining from correcting someone when it may humiliate them, it does not apply when a person says or does something awful to someone else. For example, if you’re at a family dinner and your in-laws insult your spouse, you may try to embody kindness by acting as a neutral mediator to de-escalate the situation.
The problem with doing this is that your attempt at kindness will be seen as weakness — both by your in-laws and your spouse. Those in-laws will realize that they can say whatever they like because nobody will stand up to them, and your spouse will realize that you won’t come to their defense when someone else is hurting them. You’re simultaneously losing everyone’s respect and letting your loved one down. When it’s safe to do so, speak out and stand up for those who are being wronged, even (especially) if it means upsetting others.
2. Making excuses for others’ reprehensible actions.
A friend of mine once called me in tears because of something her fiancé had done. She had spent the entire day making pasta and tomato sauce all from scratch, and after serving it to him, he’d taken one bite, tossed his plate into the trash, and gone to order pizza. As I comforted her, I reminded her that this kind of behavior was completely inexcusable, and she immediately leapt to his defense. She reminded me that he had a terrible childhood, that he can’t help his narcissism, that he needs compassion instead of condemnation, etc.
This type of enabling acquiescence may be kind inasmuch as it’s showing understanding for another’s troubled past, but it will also set a precedent for similar behavior in the future. The person who’s behaving horribly won’t see kindness here: they’ll see weakness, and will use it to their own advantage whenever possible.
3. Being too available for those who never reciprocate.
It’s possible that many people turn to you when they need help, counselling, etc., because you’ve proven to them time and time again that you’re there for them no matter what. But you may have found that when you’ve needed help in turn, they’ve always had a reason as to why they’re unavailable. Essentially, they are using you.
You may have explained this away because you know how messy their lives are. Maybe they have personal issues that prevent them from being able to reciprocate. Or you’re much more of a giver than a receiver, so it’s okay… but it’s not. Not at all. If you’ve been pouring a ton of energy into one-sided relationships or friendships, that needs to stop as soon as possible.
Furthermore, should anyone give you grief about how you’re distant or not there for them anymore, tell them exactly why that is. They’ll either change course and be more helpful towards you in turn, or let themselves out of your life.
4. Avoiding conflict.
You may hold to the awareness that “hurt people hurt people” and choose to be compassionate if and when someone treats you badly due to their own traumas. The problem with never standing up for yourself and confronting the other person in situations like this is that others will assume that your kindness is a weakness, and will continue to behave that way.
A lot of people make the mistake of believing that by treating others the way they want to be treated, they’ll receive the same kindnesses in turn. In reality, people will treat you the way you teach them to treat you. If you don’t curb their mistreatment towards you, they’ll think it’s okay and will continue (and escalate) in that vein. Stop this behavior immediately unless you want them to keep treating you poorly forever.
5. Apologizing when things aren’t your fault.
A lot of very kind people are that way because they were treated horribly in their youth. They seek others’ approval by any means necessary, and that can often entail ingratiating themselves by taking responsibility (and by extension, apologizing for) things that aren’t their fault.
Taking on another’s wrongdoing will transform you into a scapegoat for anything that goes wrong. This will prevent the wrongdoer from having to face the consequences of their actions and will burden you with punishments you didn’t deserve. Unless you did wrong personally, don’t take it on and apologize for it.
6. Devaluing your own efforts (or creations).
Anyone who has created crafts by hand knows how much time and effort go into doing so. Unfortunately, those who don’t know how to do these things often devalue them: they’re so accustomed to buying mass-produced items for pennies that they balk at the idea of spending over $100 for something handmade.
In fact, they may laugh and say that they could make it themselves instead of paying that much. In a case like this, suggest that they do exactly that rather than devaluing your own efforts. If you spend several hours of your precious life creating something beautiful, you should be compensated fairly for them.
7. Smiling or laughing when others make you uncomfortable.
Maybe you’ve laughed off inappropriate jokes from your boss or coworkers because you didn’t want to risk either your own job or theirs. Or perhaps you’ve acquiesced to someone’s advances when they weren’t wanted because you didn’t want them to feel bad or rejected by telling them outright that you’re not interested.
This is often a programmed response — especially for women — in which placing one’s own comfort, security, and overall well-being as a priority is discouraged in favor of not upsetting anyone else. It’s why women are taught to tell a potential suitor that they’re already with someone, rather than saying that they aren’t interested. It’s hard to change this programming, but it needs to be done. If a person makes you uncomfortable, call them out or tell someone who can put an end to that behavior immediately.
8. Doing nothing if someone injures you intentionally.
Many people “test the waters” when it comes to hurting those around them by inflicting small injuries upon them, and escalating them incrementally if they don’t receive any punishment for doing so. For example, someone might pull their partner’s hair or slap them lightly “as a joke”, and if they’re allowed to get away with it, will escalate to more serious physical violence.
People who try to be kind all the time will often make excuses for these actions or tolerate them with gentle humor so as to avoid confrontation. This is a major self-betrayal, because if you don’t stop behavior like this in its tracks, it’s only going to get worse.
If someone hurts you, make it absolutely clear that their actions are unacceptable, and that if it happens again, there will be consequences: not just a talking-to, but calling the police and pressing assault charges, regardless of whether others try to talk you out of doing so to “keep the peace”.
Final thoughts…
Unfortunately, many people will try to get away with as much as possible, even if they know deep down that their behavior is inappropriate. If a kind person tolerates their poor actions instead of putting their foot down immediately, they’ll intensify the misbehavior because they’ve learned that they’ll get away with it.
By creating healthy boundaries and defending them fiercely, you’ll show them that your kindness is a gift that will not be taken advantage of, and that the weakness they thought they perceived in you is actually an iron will.
