Many of us have grown and evolved exponentially, in ways that made us feel amazing about our achievements, only to have those around us admonish us for having changed.
Instead of being supportive or acknowledging how beneficial these changes have been, it’s as though our evolution has offended or hurt them on a fundamental level.
Why do they behave this way?
Well, more often than not, their actions are a fear response based on some deep-seated issues of their own. The following are some of the most common:
1. Fear of losing what the other person brings into their lives.
A lot of the time, it’s as simple as the individual fearing that whatever their friend, family member, or coworker brings to the table isn’t going to be available for much longer.
If your life changes involve you moving away, for example, then those around you may take this choice as a personal betrayal.
It’s as though you’re obligated to remain exactly where you are, as you are, for the sake of whoever might need or want you there.
For example, years ago, I moved nearly 1,000 miles away from my home in a major city and settled into a tiny rural village.
My best friend at the time condemned me for “changing” in an attempt to manipulate me into staying, because I had been her safety net for so long. And when that didn’t work, she upended her own life and “surprised” me by moving out here as well.
It was an extremely uncomfortable experience, and unfortunately, it only succeeded in creating even greater distance between us, to the point that she ended up moving elsewhere, and we barely even speak anymore.
2. Fear of aging and death.
A lot of people are so afraid of the inevitable progress of aging and death that they try to preserve things exactly as they are.
As a result, when they witness other people changing around them, it makes them feel uneasy. They can’t control these changes, and since they make them feel insecure, they want to quash that feeling as swiftly as possible.
In order to do this, they often attempt to put others back into boxes that make *them* feel more secure and safe from the ravages of life’s inescapable decay.
In essence, they don’t see your changes the same way that you do, as signs of personal growth. Your evolution is holding a mirror up to their own ever-dwindling sand timer, and it scares the hell out of them.
3. Fear of being left behind.
Another fear that often rears its ugly head is that people who judge others for changing are often wrestling with the anxiety that they’re being left behind.
For example, if those in their social network are doing things like upgrading their jobs, marrying, having children, or otherwise moving on to bigger and better things, a person who feels trapped in the same spot may feel insecure about their lack of personal progress.
Judging others is very easy and requires next to no effort, compared to making real changes happen in one’s own life.
Making those kinds of changes happen can cause great upheaval, and most people prefer to maintain the status quo rather than risk losing what they have.
But of course, they don’t really like that prospect either, because they aren’t actually happy with the current state of their lives.
As such, they’re trapped between two options: risk of failure if they change, and risk of stagnation if they don’t. And the result is that they take it out on the person who has inadvertently reminded them of this.
4. Fear that change will unsettle the identity they’ve built for themselves.
Most people hold specific positions in their social lives. In any given group, there’s usually a prankster, a dependable one, a lighthearted partier, and so on.
What’s more, people who have grown up together and have been friends since adolescence are usually very accustomed to this dynamic, and may not give each other the space and opportunity to change beyond the parameters they established in their earlier lives.
As such, if the silly jokester wants to move past that role and be more serious, those around them might judge them and mock them for “trying to be something they aren’t.”
They want to keep everything as is, in comfortable little boxes, just as they’ve always been. After all, if those around them start changing, they might have to re-evaluate their own lives and behaviors.
They’re often afraid of what those evaluations may reveal, especially if they feel pressured to grow and change beyond the identities they’ve been holding fast to for 30+ years.
5. Fear of losing their social status.
You’ll often see this fear emerge when someone who has always been the queen bee or king of the hill in their social group suddenly feels usurped by someone they previously felt superior to.
For example, when someone who has always been the butt of their jokes has a “glow-up.”
This can have a profoundly deep and unsettling effect on the top-dog.
They may feel intensely insecure about no longer being the focus of the group, since everyone else is focused on the upcomer’s success.
Feelings of jealousy like this can often drive a person to try to level up further in order to regain their status, taking the imaginary crown back from their perceived rival, while denigrating them in the process.
6. Fear of losing control.
A person who doesn’t feel like they have much control over their own life will often try to control others instead.
We often see this between parents and their offspring — including their adult children — as well as between spouses, friends, and even community members.
However, when an individual grows and evolves, they tend to gain confidence and become more resistant to said control. And this can have a tumultuous impact on the person who uses control over others as a crutch because their life is a shambles.
As a result, they judge and condemn the individual for changing as a protective reaction to this uncomfortable change of roles and events. They believe that if they can make them feel bad enough, they may go back to the comfort of how things used to be.
7. Fear of uncertainty because the changes challenge their beliefs.
One of the main reasons why so many people find comfort in religion is because life is so uncertain.
No matter how carefully we plan, or how much we try to anticipate anything that could go wrong, things are going to pan out in ways we could never imagine.
As such, some people get extremely distressed when people around them make changes that go against their own beliefs and strongly held views.
These changes often revolve around faith, but can also revolve around things like sports team allegiances, political perspectives, or personal choices like dietary or lifestyle preferences.
Instead of acknowledging and respecting their friends and family members’ evolution, they condemn the changes and seek to bring them back into the fold.
This is primarily to reassure themselves that their choices and beliefs are the correct ones, and that everything is going to be okay as long as they hold fast to them.
8. Fears about their own missed or wasted potential.
It’s a sad truth that other people’s changes often force individuals to face their own perceived inadequacies.
We often see this kind of behavior when someone self-sabotages or refuses to take risks, and tries to talk others out of taking chances as well.
Or when an individual takes the initiative to get their health back in shape, and someone who isn’t doing this attempts to lure them into the unhealthy choices they’re trying to avoid.
Those around them often judge them and cut them down for changing instead of being supportive.
They may be acutely aware — and quite scared — about the changes needed in their own life, and they’ve been squandering the time they have to make those changes instead of using it to its fullest potential.
They don’t want to feel bad about wasting their time or potential, so they condemn the others for changing and “not being themselves anymore” instead.
Final thoughts…
If someone gets mad at you for changing, try to see the intention motivating their words rather than getting upset by the words themselves.
In the vast majority of cases, you’ll see fear behind their condemnation rather than cruelty.
Most people are struggling a great deal in these uncertain times, and their fear may cause them to lash out at those closest to them.
If you can focus on that instead of taking their projections personally, you can usually work through the temporary difficulty and maintain your relationship as it evolves.
