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Making up after an argument in your relationship is often hard.
It can lead to bigger questions about why you’re arguing with your partner.
If you find that you’re fighting a lot in your relationship, there might be an underlying issue that you need to address.
While it’s important to have things in common with that special someone in your life, nobody wants a partner who agrees with them on everything all the time.
But there’s a big difference between a healthy discussion and an upsetting argument.
If the latter is common in your relationship and you don’t know how to stop arguing, you need to take a look at the bigger picture.
We’ll be offering advice on how to make up and stay that way…
1. Give It Some Time
Trying to make up with someone immediately after an argument is never going to work.
If you’re both feeling hurt or angry, a quick reconciliation might ease the initial upset, but it won’t solve any long-term issues.
You’ll only be comforting each other and reassuring yourselves that things are fine and that this fight isn’t the end of the world, or your relationship!
To actually make up with someone after a fight, you need time to cool off and process what’s happened.
Our thoughts and feelings after conflict don’t always reflect our true emotions, and we can often make things worse by trying to resolve an argument too soon.
If you’re still feeling vulnerable, you may be too quick to give in and apologize for something that isn’t your fault.
If you’re feeling insulted or angry, you won’t be open-minded enough to hear the other person’s justifications or apologies.
Being in the wrong mindset following an argument can hugely affect how you both move on from it, so it’s important to approach each other when you’ve both had time to calm down.
That said, don’t leave it too long!
There’s nothing worse than feeling like an argument is ‘the end’ because you haven’t heard from the other person.
Don’t deliberately make the other person wait – it’s unfair to make someone sit and sweat while you play with their emotions.
We’ve all done it at some point – “I’ll reply tomorrow so they know I’m annoyed” – but this is petty behavior that leads to unhealthy relationships.
Instead, let your partner know that you want to talk, but that you’re not quite ready.
It’s up to you how long you wait to do this. You’ll know what feels right.
Remember, you’ll both be feeling pretty sore after your argument, regardless of who’s right or wrong.
2. Apologize – If You Need To
Apologizing is one of the biggest ways you can make it up to someone.
Taking responsibility for what you’ve done is key when it comes to having a healthy relationship.
It may be that you have done something ‘wrong’ that you should be sorry for – in which case, make it clear that you understand how your actions have upset your partner and resolve to not do whatever it was again.
If you don’t feel you’ve done anything wrong, it’s important to understand why your partner feels the way they do and work toward either adjusting your behavior or helping them let go of their insecurities around your actions.
For instance, if you have friends who your partner feels threatened by, you shouldn’t feel the need to apologize for it.
You can apologize for not understanding how you spending time with them may upset your partner, but you need to find a way for them to be comfortable with that.
You haven’t really done anything wrong, but there’s clearly an issue if it causes a lot of fights.
We’ll go into more detail on resolving these types of problems later.
3. Don’t Hold A Grudge!
It’s easier said than done, obviously, but not holding a grudge is the fairest way to resolve an argument with your partner.
By holding on to something you’re upset about, you’re letting your partner know that you essentially haven’t forgiven them for it.
This may lead to bigger issues around insecurities, which can quickly spiral into much more.
By both agreeing to let go and move on, you’re giving each other respect and showing that you value the relationship.
If you find you can’t let go of what’s happened, it may be a sign that this isn’t the best relationship for you to be in.
Compromise is key, but if something bothers you to the point where you can’t shift that feeling, you may have to live with that between you forever.
Consider whether this is the right partner for you – if they are, you should be able to work through the issues and resolve them overall, even if it doesn’t happen overnight.
4. Find An Outlet
So, you’ve argued, given each other some space and apologized, what next?
We know we said that you shouldn’t hold a grudge against your partner, but you may still be feeling some residual upset or anger.
This is pretty natural, as we tend to get riled up in arguments, regardless of what they were actually about.
Have you ever found yourself absolutely livid after a fight over something as menial as taking the trash out?
Sure, you’ve moved on in the sense that you’re no longer annoyed at your partner, but you can’t quite shake the anger from the mere action of having an argument.
It’s at this point that you need a healthy outlet for any leftover, slightly irrelevant emotions.
You can choose what works best for you.
For some people, writing down how they feel can really help. It gives you a deeper sense of clarity seeing things written down as you can view them more objectively.
For others, a physical release is needed to finally process and get rid of the feelings of tension or anger that are left behind.
Hit the gym, go for a run, or head to a yoga class – it’ll really help you get out of your head, and the endorphins your body releases through exercising will naturally boost your mood.
The better you feel physically, the better your mental state will be and your mindset will improve hugely.
Speaking of mindsets, you can try practicing mindfulness.
There are lots of apps or YouTube videos available that offer guided meditation sessions.
You can choose what type of meditation you’d like to try, from relationship advice to general calming ones.
Taking this time to really cool off will help drain the negative emotions or thoughts from your brain, helping you feel much better and make up sooner, and for longer!
5. Listen To Each Other
Resolving your fight is a two-person job, so you both need to be working toward it.
Some fights can be beneficial to strengthening your relationship, so don’t assume the worst and think that you’re doomed!
By talking things out together, you’ll find out why you or your partner got so upset.
Listening is the key word here!
Don’t just talk about how you feel, but be prepared to hear your partner’s side of the story.
Doing this shows them that you care and that you’re aware of their feelings.
You’ll also probably find out more about them.
Pay attention and give them the respect they need, through eye contact and appropriate responses.
Ask them how they feel about things, why they think this has happened, etc.
If you argue about similar things repeatedly, now is the time to really dig deep and delve into the real issue behind the subject of your fights.
Don’t go in on the defensive…
They may say some things that you don’t necessarily agree with, but this exercise is proving that you listen to them and acknowledge how they feel.
It may seem hard at first, but don’t keep butting in to defend your actions. Wait calmly until they have finished and see if you still feel the need to justify what you said or did.
You’ll probably see things differently, so go in with an open mind.
Remember that this isn’t a trial – it’s two people who love each other and want to make their relationship work.
It’s a team effort.
6. Set Goals
After talking things through, you should work on setting goals for your relationship.
These may be quite generic, in terms of giving each other a bit more space if needs be, or they may specifically be about the behavior of one/both of you.
Set these together and take time to go through them properly.
Be realistic – neither of you will ever be ‘perfect’ people who never do anything that may upset the other.
It’s important to keep things relative to both of your personality types and your relationship style.
Aim for newer, healthier ways of communicating your feelings rather than fighting.
You could start using a code word when things get a bit too intense, letting your partner know that you want a time-out before things get more upsetting.
Find ways that work for you and don’t be afraid to talk about whether or not they’re working.
The whole point of setting these goals is that they help you work toward resolutions and a better overall relationship.
7. Follow Through
Saying you’re going to make amends is all well and good, but you need to both make sure you’re committed to it.
Support each other through this journey and you’ll find that you get closer and your relationship will grow stronger.
Even if you have individual things to work on, you can still work alongside each other.
Loving someone is accepting them and wanting them to do well, so this is a great way to continue carrying out those feelings of love.
Of course, it’s also important to keep yourself accountable for what you said you would do.
Remember what you’re working toward and keep telling yourself that it’s worth it.
If you’re used to having quite a few arguments, it may feel strange and almost worse when there are no big blow-outs or dramatics!
You’ll get used to this new, healthier dynamic pretty quickly and you’ll end up loving it.
Stay open-minded while working through any teething issues of your new approach.
It’s important to remember that whatever you were doing before wasn’t working, which is why you’re now working through a different method.
If you want a new outcome (like fewer arguments and disputes!), you need to try a new approach and stick at it.
8. Communication Is Key
Communicate how you’re feeling, as you’re both likely to be struggling with similar things.
This will help you both avoid things boiling over again.
Rather than bottling up your stresses, either about the relationship itself or the new goals you’ve set, you should discuss them.
This is a healthy way to work toward the results that you both want.
Again, remind yourselves that you’re sticking at this because you love each other and you’ll be able to get through the hard parts.
Prioritize the relationship in the sense of avoiding behavior you know will start a fight.
But don’t become a martyr who never sees their friends or is constantly treading on eggshells, as that’ll make things worse and you’ll become miserable!
It’s important not to do anything too extreme in an effort to make things better, as you’re likely to end up resenting your partner.
Imagine you’re on a diet – cutting back on unhealthy foods and exercising more is the equivalent of avoiding situations that will lead to a fight and spending more quality time together.
If you decided to totally give up carbs (the equivalent of spending time with your friends, for example), you’ll end up grouchy, frustrated, and will resent whoever suggested you do it in the first place!
9. Stick At It
Perseverance really is key if you want to stop arguing in your relationship.
There may be some things that get resolved very quickly (if fights are centered around behaviors that are easy and harmless to change, for example), but some will take a while.
During this process, it’s important to show your partner respect and make it clear that you are willing, and very happy, to commit to this.
It’s uncharted territory and you’re both probably feeling nervous that your relationship is potentially in danger.
You’re both in this together and you will get through it together.
Still not sure what to do about all the fights you’re having in your relationship? Chat online to a relationship expert from Relationship Hero who can help you figure things out. Simply click here to chat.
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