It may be that you have done something ‘wrong’ that you should be sorry for – in which case, make it clear that you understand how your actions have upset your partner and resolve to not do whatever it was again.
If you don’t feel you’ve done anything wrong, it’s important to understand why your partner feels the way they do and work toward either adjusting your behavior or helping them let go of their insecurities around your actions.
For instance, if you have friends who your partner feels threatened by, you shouldn’t feel the need to apologize for it.
You can apologize for not understanding how you spending time with them may upset your partner, but you need to find a way for them to be comfortable with that.
You haven’t really done anything wrong, but there’s clearly an issue if it causes a lot of fights.
We’ll go into more detail on resolving these types of problems later.
Don’t Hold A Grudge!
It’s easier said than done, obviously, but not holding a grudge is the fairest way to resolve an argument with your partner.
By holding on to something you’re upset about, you’re letting your partner know that you essentially haven’t forgiven them for it.
This may lead to bigger issues around insecurities, which can quickly spiral into much more.
By both agreeing to let go and move on, you’re giving each other respect and showing that you value the relationship.
If you find you can’t let go of what’s happened, it may be a sign that this isn’t the best relationship for you to be in.
Compromise is key, but if something bothers you to the point where you can’t shift that feeling, you may have to live with that between you forever.
Consider whether this is the right partner for you – if they are, you should be able to work through the issues and resolve them overall, even if it doesn’t happen overnight.
Find An Outlet
So, you’ve argued, given each other some space and apologized, what next?
We know we said that you shouldn’t hold a grudge against your partner, but you may still be feeling some residual upset or anger.
This is pretty natural, as we tend to get riled up in arguments, regardless of what they were actually about.
Have you ever found yourself absolutely livid after a fight over something as menial as taking the trash out?
Sure, you’ve moved on in the sense that you’re no longer annoyed at your partner, but you can’t quite shake the anger from the mere action of having an argument.
It’s at this point that you need a healthy outlet for any leftover, slightly irrelevant emotions.
You can choose what works best for you.
For some people, writing down how they feel can really help. It gives you a deeper sense of clarity seeing things written down as you can view them more objectively.
For others, a physical release is needed to finally process and get rid of the feelings of tension or anger that are left behind.
Hit the gym, go for a run, or head to a yoga class – it’ll really help you get out of your head, and the endorphins your body releases through exercising will naturally boost your mood.
The better you feel physically, the better your mental state will be and your mindset will improve hugely.
Speaking of mindsets, you can try practicing mindfulness.
There are lots of apps or YouTube videos available that offer guided meditation sessions.
You can choose what type of meditation you’d like to try, from relationship advice to general calming ones.
Taking this time to really cool off will help drain the negative emotions or thoughts from your brain, helping you feel much better and make up sooner, and for longer!
Communicate how you’re feeling, as you’re both likely to be struggling with similar things.
This will help you both avoid things boiling over again.
Rather than bottling up your stresses, either about the relationship itself or the new goals you’ve set, you should discuss them.
This is a healthy way to work toward the results that you both want.
Again, remind yourselves that you’re sticking at this because you love each other and you’ll be able to get through the hard parts.
Prioritize the relationship in the sense of avoiding behavior you know will start a fight.
But don’t become a martyr who never sees their friends or is constantly treading on eggshells, as that’ll make things worse and you’ll become miserable!
It’s important not to do anything too extreme in an effort to make things better, as you’re likely to end up resenting your partner.
Imagine you’re on a diet – cutting back on unhealthy foods and exercising more is the equivalent of avoiding situations that will lead to a fight and spending more quality time together.
If you decided to totally give up carbs (the equivalent of spending time with your friends, for example), you’ll end up grouchy, frustrated, and will resent whoever suggested you do it in the first place!
Stick At It
Perseverance really is key if you want to stop arguing in your relationship.
There may be some things that get resolved very quickly (if fights are centered around behaviors that are easy and harmless to change, for example), but some will take a while.
During this process, it’s important to show your partner respect and make it clear that you are willing, and very happy, to commit to this.
It’s uncharted territory and you’re both probably feeling nervous that your relationship is potentially in danger.
You’re both in this together and you will get through it together.
Lucy is a travel and wellness writer currently based in Gili Air, a tiny Indonesian island. After over a year of traveling, she’s settled in paradise and spends her days wandering around barefoot, practicing yoga and exploring new ways to work on her wellbeing.