Many of us wake up one day and realize that we’ve just been carried along on life’s current rather than intentionally swimming in the direction we’d prefer. While it’s uncomfortable to come to that kind of epiphany, it’s a good wake-up call regarding what needs to be done to get back on track.
The things listed here can help to get you out of the passenger seat and back to being an active participant in your own life again.
1. Self-reflect to figure out how you arrived here.
The very first thing to do is to determine why you feel this way, and how you think you got to this point.
This kind of soul-searching is likely going to be a bit uncomfortable, as it may require you to face some truths that you’ve been avoiding.
Ask yourself why you feel like this has become the case. Can you pinpoint the contributing and ongoing factors that make you feel like you are divorced from your own agency within your life?
Take a serious look at every situation where you feel like you’re following along with someone else’s plan instead of making decisions for yourself. Are you going along with these to keep the peace? Or because you don’t feel worthy enough to have your needs and wants prioritized? Perhaps you don’t even know what your wants and needs are anymore?
Honest self-reflection or journaling can help you identify where the work needs to be done.
2. Don’t wait for permission to do what you want.
You don’t need anyone else to say that it’s okay to do something that’s important to you. Similarly, you don’t need approval or group consensus to do what you’d like to do.
If you’re craving a pizza, and everyone else in the family would prefer chicken, let them order chicken and get yourself that pizza.
The same thing goes for how you’d like to spend your downtime. You don’t need anyone else’s permission to chill out and read with a tasty beverage, or go and see some live music, or watch a sports game you’re invested in at the local pub.
Doing what others want to do is great if you’re invested in that pursuit as well, but if you’d rather do something else, then do that instead.
Of course, sometimes compromise in life is necessary, but if it’s always you doing the compromising, you’re not really living your life, are you?
3. Become a decisive, active player instead of a passive accessory.
If you feel like a passenger who’s being dragged along with what everyone else is doing, put a stop to that every time you realize it’s happening.
To do that, you need to become more aware of the choices you’re automatically making (or not making).
For example, if you’re invited to attend something, think about it for a while before accepting: you aren’t obligated to give your decision straight away, so figure out whether it’s something you want to do or not.
Similarly, if someone in your life informs you that something will be happening rather than asking you, you’re welcome to decline participation in it.
For example, I read something on Threads about a woman who “walked off to admire the walls” after her husband agreed to host a party at their place without running it past her first.
Equally, you have every right to put your foot down and be decisive about how your own energy is spent rather than acquiescing to others’ demands.
4. Change your schedule.
Countless people feel trapped in a Groundhog Day experience. They do the same thing over and over again and don’t quite know how to break free from it.
This often happens with harried parents who are juggling many things at once and adhere to a strict schedule to keep things running smoothly. Although the schedule might have been helpful to begin with, it ends up trapping them rather than freeing up their time.
The best way to escape this drudgery is to pause and regroup. If you can, take a few days off and physically remove yourself from your routine.
By doing so, you’re essentially rebooting your mental and emotional hard drive. This gives you the time and space to decide where you’d like to go from here.
What you DON’T want to do is settle back into that exact same routine when you return.
5. Stop doing what you hate to make others happy.
A lot of people adapt their lives to other people’s preferences in order to make (or keep) those individuals happy.
Over time, they forget who they are, what they want, and what they like to do because they’ve restructured their entire lives around what other people want of them.
Maybe they’re the support pillar for all their friends, but nobody ever asks them how they’re doing. Or they’ve been participating in their partner’s favorite hobby for 20+ years, even though they don’t have any sincere interest in it.
If this sounds familiar, it’s time to stop doing the things you hate in order to keep other people happy.
Eat the breakfast burrito instead of muesli. Quit the ultimate frisbee team and join the local field archaeology team instead (or vice versa).
Any time you find yourself going along with someone else’s plans, stop and ask yourself if this is something you really want to do.
If it isn’t, then think very carefully about whether you should actually be doing it.
6. Don’t be afraid to experiment.
Look at the rut you’ve been stuck in for ages and determine which things you love, and which you’ve just been tolerating.
For example, do you have a set food schedule that’s so dependable that you can tell what day it is by what’s served for dinner? Or perhaps your closet is full of 20 different variations on the same outfit?
That’s great if it’s how you like it, but if you’re feeling stuck, or like life is passing you by, you could probably do with branching out.
Branch out and experiment with some new things instead. It could be different foods, new music, new clothes… anything that’s different from what you’ve been doing up until now.
The act of experimentation is expansive in and of itself. Even if you’re making mistakes, have the mindset that you’re accruing experience rather than blindly failing or wasting time.
This experimental approach often opens many doors and fresh insights into your own psyche.
Just be aware of your own mental attitudes being your chains, such as choosing not to pursue any hobbies that you can’t monetize.
7. Audit all of your belongings.
When you look around your home, how much of it makes you truly happy?
Have you decorated your space and collected items that spark sincere joy? Or have you chosen things for their utilitarian purpose paired with whether others will approve of them or not?
Furthermore, have you actually had a say in what’s around you? Or have others made these decisions for you and you’ve simply gone along with them?
Examine all of your belongings and decide whether they accurately reflect who you are and where you want to go from here.
Do you have books on your shelves that you don’t care about, but look impressive to visitors? If so, sell them and get the ones you’d prefer to read instead.
And if you’re tired of the sad beige aesthetic of everything around you, add vibrant color and texture instead.
8. Take note of all the areas in which you could have taken action, but didn’t.
If you’ve been complaining about various things that make you feel like a passenger or spectator in your own life, ask yourself how many of those things could be changed with personal action.
For example, if you’re feeling resentful about an event you apparently have to help host, ask yourself whether you spoke up when asked to say that you didn’t have the energy or personal wherewithal to do so.
Or if you’re frustrated that someone keeps giving you the same holiday gift every year even though you can’t stand it, ask yourself why you’ve never told them that you didn’t like it.
Once you’ve written down all the times you could have taken action but chose not to, ask yourself why you didn’t. This is the key component to pay attention to.
It’s only by determining why you didn’t take action that you can change that behavior in the future.
When you ask yourself this question, chances are it’ll be because you centered someone else over yourself.
For example, you didn’t want to make your relatives feel bad by telling them how much you hate the scent of patchouli. Or you didn’t want people to think poorly of you by saying “no” to hosting 30 people for Christmas dinner at the last minute.
That’s understandable, but if you want to become an active participant in your own life, you’re going to have to get used to disappointing people.
Final thoughts…
When you realize how many of your decisions have centered around other people, that can galvanize you to take more of an active role in your own life from now on.
Roll your memory back to figure out when you made the conscious decision to deprioritize yourself. Then rewrite that choice by deciding to be in the driver’s seat for the rest of your life.
Be aware that those who are used to you acquiescing to their wants will be upset with you for changing. Hold fast, and don’t let them fold you back into the passenger seat.
