If there’s one thing I’ve learned about life, it’s that you can’t control everything that happens. There are times when life will decide for you that you have to begin again, and nothing you can do can change that.
As that curveball comes hurtling toward you, it can feel like a freak storm that wasn’t predicted, and there isn’t a bone in your body that’s prepared for what’s to come.
But I’m here to remind you that there are ways to keep your feet grounded in the chaos of unexpected change, and I think if you let them, they will each make starting over feel like something you can truly manage.
1. Accept that starting over doesn’t mean starting from nothing.
A huge misconception people have when they’re forced to start over is that they’re starting again with absolutely nothing. No money, no knowledge, and zero life experience.
That’s wrong.
Even though you’re forced to face whatever has happened, you haven’t lost everything you’ve managed to earn up until this point. Life doesn’t get to do that to you. It simply cannot erase everything you’ve already built for yourself.
Yes, life’s asking a lot of you right now, but that doesn’t mean your foundations have been smashed to pieces. You’ve got this far, and I firmly believe you can use that grounding to help find your footing.
Enter this difficult period with at least the reassurance that you have earned a lot of life experience and knowledge that you can use to your advantage going forward.
2. Grieve with permission (and compassion).
I always revert to the American Psychological Association when it comes to defining grief:
“Grief often includes physiological distress, separation anxiety, confusion, yearning, obsessive dwelling on the past, and apprehension about the future.”
There it is, last but not least: apprehension about the future.
It makes total sense that starting over would leave anyone feeling unsure about what’s to come, especially if you’ve lived life thus far with a series of comforting routines that roll from day to day.
You might be grieving a person or a part of your life that is no more. We don’t just grieve people who have passed; we can mourn anything that’s ended that was of importance to us.
Don’t make the mistake of assuming you don’t have a right to go through the process of loss, regardless of who or what it was that you’ve had to say goodbye to.
Be compassionate towards yourself. I know for many it’s hard to direct kindness inwards, but give yourself permission. A little self-kindness goes a long way.
3. Write your new chapter without trying to compare it to the old one.
If you’ve ever thought of this new chapter as scary, unknown, or unwelcome, you’re not alone. But that usually happens because you’re comparing it to the old chapter.
I don’t believe in comparing. In fact, I think it should be downright outlawed.
Being thrown into a new chapter without preparation is uncomfortable, but it’s only made worse by comparing it to the old life story you thought was being written.
When I was pregnant, I developed a condition called Symphysis Pubis Disorder (SPD), and it stemmed from my joints being hypermobile (which nobody thought to tell me until years after I gave birth).
I ended up in a wheelchair until I had my son, and I had to learn to walk again on top of being a new mother.
Life didn’t warn me, and I sure as heck felt incredibly resentful when I saw fellow heavily pregnant women waltzing around like it was nothing while I could barely hold myself up while wearing a support belt.
Post-birth, I had a new chapter ahead of me, and it wasn’t the one I’d planned. But it was pointless to think about the ‘old’ me who didn’t have these pains. I had to focus on how to strengthen my body and be that mother I now was.
I had to focus on how my new story was going to unfold.
4. Build your confidence in small ways by keeping promises to yourself every day.
Starting over doesn’t have to be one huge act you undertake in order to get from where you are to where you need to be. It can be a hundred small things you do that move you forward each day. And that often starts with keeping promises to yourself.
“I’m going to make dinner from scratch today.”
“I will call a friend today.”
“I’ll get out into the garden for ten minutes.”
Make promises to yourself, but make them small enough to achieve, whatever that looks like for you.
Ultimately, it’s like embarking on a walkable path. With every day and every promise, starting over will look more like little steps onward rather than unachievable leaps.
Confidence won’t come if you constantly hit walls, and if you’re trying to find your footing, you may not exude the usual amount of resilience. So keep it small and achievable and go easy on yourself about needing that right now.
Far too many people punish themselves for what they haven’t achieved when they should be celebrating what they have.
5. Stop reflecting on your past as a waste of time.
“My life has been a total waste.” “Why did I bother?” “I wish I’d never…”
It’s so easily done, isn’t it? Particularly if it’s something like being forced out of a relationship due to a betrayal, or the business you’ve been working your way up in has gone bust. The frustration and anger can be real.
If you’re at this point, it’s understandable that your past becomes your enemy, and you ruminate over how you could’ve done it differently.
“I regret this, I regret that.”
It may seem as though I’m simplifying it, but regrets of this type are the real waste of time.
Why plough energy into something you can’t change? You’ve only got the power to decide which direction you go in next; anything else is just pointless.
No time spent is wasted if you can learn anything from it, and that goes for the less-than-ideal chapters of life, too. Even a job you loved that has now crumbled was a time when you built skills and knowledge, and you found your passion.
That isn’t wasted; that’s a foundational step for what comes next, even if you are forced into it through life’s shift.
6. Stop wanting or trying to build your new life in one day.
I read a blog a few months ago that suggested wanting something very badly is our way of overcompensating for the lack of power we have over that thing. In other words, if we can’t have it right now, we end up wanting it more and more because it’s out of reach.
The desire colors the present moment, showing us what could be, and that naturally makes people want it all now. It makes sense, then, that when we’re forced to start our life over, we want to see immediate results.
But before you were forced to start over, you were probably living a life that took years to build.
Nothing worth having is gained overnight, and this is no different. It’s all in how you perceive the journey ahead of you.
Deluding yourself that you can walk into a ready-made life is not going to make that ready-made life real and available to you.
The beauty is never in getting to where you want to be; it’s always about how you get there, and in everything that happens in between a thought and a destination.
7. Build tiny routines that help soothe your nervous system.
There’s nothing more triggering for the nervous system than having to leave your old life – and not by choice – and having to begin again.
When every fiber of your body doesn’t know what’s ahead, you just want to hang onto anything that’s remotely familiar, and that’s your brain’s way of trying to keep you protected.
So when chaos takes over, and nothing is like it was before, I urge you to look for small routines you can create to help your nervous system remain as soothed as possible.
Because when your nervous system becomes dysregulated, it will show up in your mind, body, and how you behave.
Ways to help regulate it include all the usual relaxing things, but relaxation can also come from simple routine.
That early morning coffee on the porch, the daily ritual of having a visualization shower, where you picture all the stress being rinsed from your body as the water runs off it, or even something as simple as creating a playlist of relaxing songs that you listen to every day.
When your mind and body know what’s coming, it takes a big sigh of relief.
Build that into your life as much as you can, and your footing will come back to you little by little.
Final thoughts…
I’m not going to pretend it’s easy to start again. If you haven’t had to do that, then you’re one of the lucky ones.
Beginning again feels as though someone has pulled the rug from under your feet, and like everything is spinning out of control.
What happened? How did I get here? When will it stop?
It stops when you learn that you’re in control of some things, even if you can’t be in control of everything.
When you can grasp what you can and use it to help you, you’ll find your footing settles quicker than constantly fighting what’s being presented to you.
Trust in yourself and trust the process.
