I never realized how judgmental I was until I started developing my self-awareness. And nowadays, I look around at the rest of the world and see so many of those same patterns and behaviors.
After all, who among us has not judged someone based on how they look? Their clothing? Weight? Accent? Body Language? Or color of their skin?
We humans are messy creatures, and we don’t always look in the mirror to see ourselves. Instead, we judge others.
Personally? I’m not interested in being a judgmental person anymore. That’s why I keep an eye out for these eight behaviors.
1. They liken you to other people.
Have you ever met someone and instantly thought they reminded you of someone you knew? That is a judgment call that can frame other people incorrectly when you first meet them.
Yes, they may have particular qualities that they share with another person, but that doesn’t mean that they will be anything like them. It could just be that one, singular quality that they have in common.
Essentially, we erase individuality when we start likening people to one another.
What I learned is that I didn’t have to do that. I realized I could have that thought, “Oh, they remind me of this other person,” but that’s where my judgment stops. I acknowledge I’m having that thought, but I don’t then expect them to act, think, or feel like that other person.
They are their own person.
2. They look for flaws before common ground.
It’s exhausting to be around someone who is always noticing your flaws. Like, gee, thanks! If I wasn’t self-conscious about it, I am now!
And even if those flaws are valid, most people aren’t going to take it as some worthy criticism that should guide their decision-making, if that’s what you always default to. Instead, they’re going to view it as unfair judgment.
Everyone has flaws. Everyone. Anyone who claims otherwise is either lying or they have something to sell you. Yet we punish the flaws of other people through judgment and ostracization.
Instead, I now try to look for common ground before I start casting any judgments about people’s flaws, if I do at all.
I can’t tell you that I’m perfectly accepting of anyone and everyone, because I’m not. Instead, I try to remain self-aware of my thoughts and how I’m perceiving other people so I can interrupt and challenge those judgmental thoughts.
3. They assume your motivations and intent without any evidence.
I find that judgmental people often suffer from their own bias more often than not. They make a snap judgment about someone based on limited information, and it’s negative.
That person may have made a mistake or done something the judgmental person disapproves of, and they determine that to be a reflection of their intentions or character.
But it may have just been an honest mistake, because those happen.
Often, snap judgments come down to a lack of communication. If you haven’t had enough time to get to know that person or to fully understand their motives and who they are, then it’s impossible to know for certain whether what you’re assuming is correct.
And even if you do know someone, people hide things all the time, both good and bad. You can never truly know and understand the motivations behind people’s behavior. Sometimes not even they do.
4. They tend to forget that first impressions don’t define other people.
Projecting confidence is a great way to make a strong first impression on someone. However, if you can’t back it up with quality of character or work, you quickly find that confidence doesn’t mean much.
For example, I used to know someone who was very passionate about mental wellness. It’s something he could speak confidently about very often.
However, he didn’t practice what he preached even a fraction of the time. Behind the scenes, he was struggling with problems he refused to work on.
The issue isn’t that he had problems, because everyone struggles sometimes. It was more that he would be loud about how other people needed to do this or that, but he wouldn’t take his own advice.
But judgmental people often miss the character underneath the surface, whether it’s good or bad, because they’re too focused on first impressions.
People are complex. You have no idea who that person is that you just met and talked to for a few minutes.
They may act friendly and approachable, and maybe they are, but they could also be a manipulator. Good manipulators act friendly and approachable because it’s much easier for them to find their mark and get what they want.
Similarly, just because someone is acting badly when you first meet them doesn’t mean they are a bad person.
You have no idea what that person has going on in their life. They may be struggling, and it’s coming out in unhealthy ways. That doesn’t make them a bad person. They’re just a person doing a wrong thing.
5. They gossip about other people.
It’s strange how normalized gossip and “tea time” are. I’ve even heard some people suggest that it’s misogyny to suggest that there is anything wrong with gossip, and I couldn’t disagree more.
In my eyes, most gossip just seems to be more about using the suffering of other people as entertainment. I mean, how often have you heard someone gossip about how great a person is or how well their life is going without judgment?
So no, I don’t want to know the juicy details about my friend’s breakup. Why would I want to know the juicy details and drama about how someone’s relationship was ending? What purpose does that serve in my own life?
Besides, it’s not like you’re going to get an unbiased, factual account from listening to gossip. If it’s a messy breakup, they’ll probably blame each other, as often happens when a relationship implodes.
But we gossip, we sip the tea, and we pass judgment on other people based on our perceptions of the truth.
Refusing to partake in gossip is a great way to become a little less judgmental, if that’s something you’re interested in doing.
6. They tend to confuse opinion with moral virtue.
In a judgmental person’s eyes, a disagreement doesn’t just mean a disagreement. Instead, many view it as moral virtue.
But that in itself is an extremely poor judgment. I should know; I used to think that way. It requires a degree of arrogance to firmly believe that your own choices and beliefs are morally superior when you haven’t walked in that person’s shoes.
Their life may be drastically different than yours or mine. I could learn a lot from them if I could set aside my judgment and just receive them. In fact, after I stopped being so judgmental, I did start learning a lot from other people.
But for a long time, I would wrongfully conclude that my way was the only right way. But that wasn’t true; that was just my own personal flaw that I had to work on.
7. They tend not to give the benefit of the doubt.
Sometimes people are ambiguous with their actions. Sometimes you can’t tell if they meant well and failed, or if they were just malicious.
But a judgmental person will typically judge that person negatively instead of giving them the benefit of the doubt.
It’s interesting, because we often judge ourselves based on our intentions, “Well, I meant well…” but we judge other people on their actions.
But maybe they meant well too, and they just screwed up? It happens to everyone.
What I found when I started working on suspending my judgment of other people is that most people are doing the best that they can, but they are ultimately self-interested. Not purely selfish, mind you, but self-interested.
They’re doing things because they feel it’s the right thing to do in that moment. But maybe the right thing turns out to be wrong. Or, alternatively, maybe they are right, and I just don’t understand it yet.
An important part of becoming less judgmental was the realization that I don’t have to have an opinion on everything straight away.
I don’t have to immediately judge someone to receive them or the information they’re giving me. I can receive it, sit with it for a while, and choose to interpret it with reason and logic before I make a decision, if I need to make any decision about it at all.
In closing…
We often jump to conclusions and make snap judgments because that’s just kind of how most people function. As they say, “You can only make a good first impression once.” And the reason that’s common advice is that, unfortunately, most people do judge you based on your looks and first impression.
They don’t take the time to get to know the person behind the first impression.
But what I found as I stopped being so judgmental is that it was much easier to connect with people once I did. After all, who am I to judge someone else when I walk so imperfectly?
