Twenty years ago, if someone asked something of me, I’d have done anything to help them. All people needed to do was ask me to jump, and I’d ask, “How high?”
For me, that pattern emerged in my early years trying to please a parent whose standards were impossible to reach.
Thankfully, though, it’s with great pride that I announce that while I still care for others, I don’t live to please.
But it wasn’t an effortless journey.
These 7 acts felt uncomfortable before they felt natural, but they eventually resulted in a successful transition. I hope they help you, too.
1. No paragraphs; just no.
Come on, let’s all own up together; we’ve all been there. Someone has reached out and asked us if we want to attend an event, or be part of an occasion. They’ve asked a favor, or they’ve wanted to borrow something you know you’ll never get back.
You start typing, and before you know it, you’ve written actual literary works.
Overexplaining is often linked to environments or significant relationships that made you feel you weren’t safe. It could be that you’ve been around someone who became easily upset, and you’ve not wanted to be responsible for that. Or perhaps you were frequently misunderstood.
People-pleasing tends to become the solution to that, and overexplaining is one way to try to smooth out a situation where you don’t want to be blamed, disliked, or misunderstood.
I’m here to tell you that it’s okay to just say no.
While that may feel direct and cold to you, it is what’s necessary sometimes to protect your wellbeing. Because the more explanations you give, the more opportunity you give people to pick holes in them.
Let me just add, too, that you will feel discomfort at first because you’re so used to offering your twenty-six reasons why you can’t.
Start with low-stakes refusals to minimize the discomfort, but always remember that a simple “no thanks” or “no, I can’t” is enough.
2. Resist the temptation to answer right away without allowing yourself time to think.
Hold back. Hold. Back.
People-pleasers tend to fall over themselves and their words by jumping in and responding before they’ve even had time to really think about what they’re saying or how they’re saying it.
For example, I have a relative who does this. I recently had a birthday and opened a gift from her. “Oh, I love these,” I said with glee, holding some cozy socks ready for the incoming cooler season.
In a panicked tone, she immediately replied, “Oh no! Do you already have these? I got them because I saw them last week in your favorite store and I knew you’d love them, but if you already have them, I have the receipt so you can exchange them, or maybe get a refund?”
Breathe!
I honestly don’t know how she got that from me saying I love them to thinking I already have them, but it’s where people’s minds go when they think they’ve made a mistake or let someone down (yes, even over a pair of socks).
If you tend to do this, you’ll undoubtedly find a pause before speaking uncomfortable, but it’s worth doing.
Just let the person’s words hang there, and think, “Do I need to say all my thoughts out loud right now?” The answer is probably no.
It will eventually become natural, but until then, be okay with pausing before you jump in and let whatever’s sitting in your mind pour out.
3. Stop saying yes simply because nobody else has.
The classic response to nobody else volunteering is that you, as a people-pleaser, feel inclined to raise your hand. Typically, this happens in the workplace, but it’s likely also earned a place in your private life, too.
I’ll give you an example. You’re at work in a meeting, and your boss tells you that she needs someone to stay behind for a few evenings to catch up on filing. She can’t pay you for it, but you can claim it in lieu instead. Only you’re so swamped with your own tasks, you don’t know when you’d manage to take the time back.
Nobody wants to do it. They want to beat traffic, get home, and spend time with their families, and so do you.
The difference is, they don’t feel discomfort when no one offers, but you do. So you say yes. Perhaps you also think it will earn you respect.
But being the one person who says yes, no matter the circumstance, doesn’t always earn you the respect you think it does. At times, it can be what sets you apart from everyone else for all the wrong reasons.
It will be hard to sit with the discomfort of not offering when no one else has. It might feel like you’re not going to be liked, or that you’ll be punished if you say no, too. But that’s only your assumption.
It’s good to have boundaries just like everyone else has, and they get easier to enforce the more you hold firm on them.
4. Choose your own peace first.
I came from a chaotic and toxic background, but I never knew it was any of those things until I moved out of it, because it was my normal.
Even the calmer moments would make me nervous because I knew what was coming. I was constantly on edge.
Fast forward to adulthood, when I became a mother myself, and I realized enough was enough.
I chose me.
It wasn’t an easy choice, but I don’t see certain people now because I was no longer prepared to play the role they wanted me to, where I was literally being worn away to nothing.
I stayed for longer than I should have because I was told not to do anything that would break the family image, but once my son was in the frame with me, it was more than enough to make me choose my own peace. I was sick (in more ways than one) of being part of it.
Was I liked for it? No! The backlash that came from choosing my own peace was not comfortable at first.
But I got my peace, and now I feel much better for it.
Now, I’m not suggesting you need to cut people out of your life. But if you look honestly, you’ll find some areas in your own life where you need to choose personal peace over other people’s unreasonable demands, even though it’s uncomfortable at first.
5. Ask for what you want or need without it turning into a sonnet of apology.
Let me guess:
“I’m sorry for being a pain, but….”
“I’m sorry to have to ask, but…”
“I’m so sorry, but I need…”
“I’m sorry, could I have…”
Cue the next five minutes of nonstop reasons as to why you’re wanting or needing that particular thing, and why you’re apologizing for asking for it.
It’s common for people-pleasers to act on the apology reflex. They think it makes them seem polite, but all it really does is highlight your belief that you’re in some way inadequate or a burden to others.
You may worry what people will think of you if you simply ask your question directly without prefacing it with an apology, but try it, and once the discomfort has passed, you’ll likely be pleasantly surprised.
6. Disagree respectfully.
Okay, now we are entering official ‘this makes me nervous’ territory.
Disagreeing with someone. It’ll make a people-pleaser uncomfortable just thinking about it, but here’s the thing:
You are entitled to your opinions, and you can voice them respectfully.
People-pleasers tend to agree with whoever they’re talking to, leaning into one of the four trauma responses: the fawn response.
You panic at the idea of letting someone down, and you hate conflict so much that you’d rather agree with whoever you’re talking with. All you want to do is feel safe, so you appease others.
It’s time to kiss the fawn response goodbye.
I know that sounds uncomfortable, but it is possible with practice and the belief that you are perfectly entitled to your own opinions, respectfully shared.
Try it with a trusted and respectful friend or loved one first, and it’ll get easier every time.
7. Allow silences without jumping in to fill them.
Sit with it. A silence doesn’t necessarily mean someone is thinking about how annoying or boring you are.
A silence can be just that: silence. And it’s an important moment of reflection.
But nobody can reflect if you’re constantly talking or feeling as though it’s your responsibility to cut in and make the conversation less awkward.
I get it; silence can be loud and frightening for some people, especially when they’ve had it wielded as a weapon, or if it’s always signaled an argument is on the horizon. But not all silences are like that.
You don’t have to make people like you or prove your worth by constantly entertaining them. The right people will value you even when you have nothing to say.
Final thoughts…
People-pleasing doesn’t have to be the core part of your identity. Every time you say no to someone else, you’re saying yes to yourself, but if you’re not used to that, it can prove challenging to get started.
Learning any new habit is always uncomfortable before it starts to feel more natural and easy, and that’s what I want you to remember if you relate to this article.
Use this as your starting point to becoming more self-aware. Look at where you people-please with open minded curiosity, as opposed to judgement.
You’ll find that with practice you can overcome that need to please others, and start pleasing yourself more.
