On any given day, each of us has a set amount of energy to work with. Furthermore, we don’t all have the same amount: one person may have a bathtub’s worth to draw upon, while another may have a teaspoon.
Whatever the amount you have at your disposal, it’s important to differentiate between the battles that are worth negotiating and those that are a waste of time.
With that in mind, let’s take a look at how to separate the things that are worth fighting versus those that are best left in the dust as you walk away.
1. Ask yourself: is this a trivial personal preference that doesn’t really matter in the grand scheme of things?
She wants the toilet paper on the roll with the leaves dangling down from the front. He prefers a free-range roll on the bathtub rim. They fight back and forth about it all the time, when in reality it doesn’t really matter.
If an apocalypse were to unfold all around them, and they didn’t have power or internet or even running water anymore, would they care where the TP was and how it dangled? No. No, they would not.
Little squabbles over inconsequential differences and grievances like these steal energy from big things that are far more important.
There are so many other things that you could be focusing on instead of fixating upon inconsequential details.
2. Ask yourself: why am I so invested in this?
If you can, try to get to the bottom of why this particular situation is annoying you so much.
Through self-reflection or journaling, analyze why you’re having such a strong negative reaction to it, as well as what good you think will come of following through on actions such as retaliation.
By doing so, you may be able to curtail the anger within you before it escalates into action.
Monk and peace activist Thich Nhat Hanh touched upon this in his book Anger: Techniques for Cooling the Fires Within.
In it, he wrote, “If your house is on fire, the most urgent thing to do is to go back and try to put out the fire, not to run after the person you believe to be the arsonist.”
As such, seek to put out the fire within you as your most pressing priority.
When you look into what it is that is upsetting you about the situation, the anger tends to dissipate. As a result, you can walk away from that particular issue instead of fighting an unnecessary battle.
3. Try not to take things personally.
How people treat you is usually a reflection of themselves rather than anything to do with you. Unless you’ve done something to seriously upset that other individual, their poor treatment of you is likely a projection rather than reality.
As such, don’t take their behavior personally, but instead analyze how their actions affect your life.
Basically, a person who’s having a horrible time in their life and taking their anger out on you just this once may not be worth confronting.
In contrast, someone whose behavior is having a long-term detrimental effect on your life needs to have that behavior curbed in the most effective manner possible.
Here’s an example: I had a housemate who was very lax with doing his share of the chores. He had ADHD, which meant he struggled with executive dysfunction, and none of the approaches we used to encourage him to keep on track were effective.
My other housemate and I kept getting frustrated and angry with him, but finally realized that it wasn’t personal, nor intentional, and this uphill battle could never be won. So we stopped asking him to follow through on his promises and simply divided “his” share of tasks between us.
It may not have been fair for us to have to do extra labor, but it certainly eliminated the constant tension caused by this guy not being able to pull his weight.
And even if we’d chosen not to pick up the slack and had parted ways instead, the point would have been the same: his behavior wasn’t personal, and our response didn’t need to be either.
4. Look at things objectively.
Another way of phrasing this is to ask yourself: “Will this make me feel good in the short term, or will it benefit me in the long run?”
It’s easy to lose your temper when you’re feeling worn thin or irritated by someone who’s been grating on you for a while.
For example, it can feel great to finally snap at the coworker who’s been getting on your nerves for months. That satisfaction is short-lived, however, and will likely cause greater upheaval later. You might win the battle, but you’ll lose the war.
By looking at things strictly through the lens of reason, like an impartial observer, you can divide pointless and destructive decisions from fruitful, long-term energy investments. It can also greatly reduce stress and friction as things unfold around you.
To put it simply, yelling at Brenda from HR might feel amazing, until you’re called in, reprimanded, and either suspended or fired. Is the momentary blip of glee from putting her in her place worth the stress you’ll experience when you’re suddenly unemployed and facing eviction?
5. Determine whether your past experiences are influencing current events.
We are all products of our past experiences and conditioning.
When we go through prolonged periods of difficulty, those experiences cause long-lasting wounds and scars within us.
Those wounds can remain tender for a long time and can cause us to react poorly when we encounter situations that remind us of what we went through in the past.
As such, if you find yourself arguing with someone about something that bothers you, try to take a step back and analyze whether you’re actually angry at them, here and now, or if something about their behavior is poking at an old wound.
This can help you determine whether the battle you’re thinking of fighting is worthwhile.
Analyze it carefully: are you battling what’s going on right now? Or trying to rectify a problem you weren’t able to redress in the past?
6. Ask yourself: does this person matter enough to me to spend precious moments of my life on them?
It’s easy to get into a “you push me, I push back” reaction when someone treats you poorly. After all, it’s a common, knee-jerk response to human conflict.
When a situation like this happens, the most prominent question you should ask yourself is whether the person in front of you is important enough to waste precious moments of your life on.
Of all the productive or enjoyable things you could be doing, is it a worthwhile endeavor to waste that time on a difficult or downright unpleasant person?
And also, what’s going to come of this? Will there be a wonderful relationship afterwards? What’s the end goal?
If you find yourself getting into a battle with someone you wouldn’t spend five minutes thinking of under any other circumstance, then consider redirecting your focus towards something more positive or productive instead.
7. Consider whether anything will change as a result of the conversation or confrontation.
If nothing you say or do will ever change this person’s mind, then why would you bother to put in the energy to try to make that happen?
For example, if you’ve been having the same argument with one of your relatives at every family gathering, and you can’t change their mind about the topic no matter how hard you try, why are you still wasting precious moments of your life trying to do so?
If their thoughts and beliefs don’t affect you or your life personally, you can agree to disagree permanently and still carry on.
That said, if their beliefs have the potential to cause you real harm, such as a relative mocking your food choices and slipping an unwanted ingredient into your soup, or them thinking you are “possessed” and subjecting you to unwanted spiritual interventions, then you need to remove yourself from the situation.
And possibly file a restraining order against them.
Final thoughts…
A lot of people will try to goad you into arguments because it amuses them to rile others up. In other cases, you may genuinely want to argue about a topic because you believe that you’re right, and want to either convince the other person of that, or at least get them to honor and respect your opinions.
But if those things can never happen because the person in question has no intention of treating your views respectfully, then don’t bother.
Save your energy, remove yourself from their presence, and spend your time in better company instead.
