Have you ever wondered why certain situations make your heart race for no logical reason? Or why you keep ending up in similar relationship patterns despite promising yourself things would be different this time?
The answer often lies decades in the past, in experiences you might barely remember but that your mind and body never forgot. And while we shouldn’t give our power away, it’s important to understand that the environment we grow up in plays a significant role in our adult lives.
It molds our expectations, reactions, and beliefs about ourselves and the world around us, often in ways we don’t quite realize. Ways like these:
1. They influence your work ethic, for better or worse.
I grew up watching my hard-working parents stay late at the office and bring work home on weekends. I also viewed it as a positive, and so did they. After all, that’s how they were raised, too. Like many people in our productivity-obsessed culture, I absorbed the message that your worth is directly tied to your output.
This served me well in many ways: I built a strong reputation, advanced quickly in my career, and developed a resilience that’s carried me through challenging projects. But I also inherited the inability to switch off, the guilt that comes with rest, and the belief that anything less than 110% effort means you’re lazy or weak.
It took chronic pain to force me to examine this programming. My body essentially staged an intervention, making it impossible to maintain the relentless pace I’d learned was “normal.” Only then did I realize that the work ethic I’d been so proud of had actually become a prison.
On the opposite end, some people grow up watching parents who tried to get away with doing as little as possible, who let others pick up the slack, and who viewed work as something to be avoided rather than embraced. These children might internalize that success comes from manipulation rather than effort, or they might swing to the opposite extreme, becoming workaholics to distance themselves from what they witnessed.
It should come as no surprise that the best, most rewarding approach usually comes from balance: dedication without martyrdom, working hard but resting guilt-free. And it’s something we can all learn to reprogram in ourselves if we want to.
2. They create your stress response patterns.
It’s a sad fact that exposure to stress in childhood essentially programs your adult nervous system’s default setting. If you lived with chronic unpredictability – addiction, mental illness, financial instability, or just plain chaos – your body learned to stay ready for danger.
This shows up in adulthood as that feeling of waiting for something to go wrong, even when things are objectively good. You might find it impossible to relax or feel anxious during peaceful moments because your system is constantly scanning for threats.
Some people freeze when faced with conflict, becoming deer-in-the-headlights still. Others go into fight mode, becoming reactive or defensive. These aren’t conscious choices – they are learned survival responses to environments that felt unsafe.
The child who had to be hypervigilant to navigate family dynamics becomes the adult who can’t turn off that alertness, even in safe relationships.
Essentially, your nervous system gets trapped in a threat response that is very difficult to reprogram without some uncomfortable work, and often therapy.
3. They determine what feels “normal” to you, even when it’s not healthy.
Here’s something that might surprise you: if you grew up with chaos, peace can actually feel wrong. Not just boring, but wrong. Like something bad is about to happen.
When your childhood was filled with drama, shouting, crisis, or unpredictability, your nervous system learned to expect that. It became your normal. So when you find yourself in a calm, stable relationship or situation, your body might start looking for problems or even creating them.
This is why someone might leave a kind, reliable partner for someone who’s emotionally unavailable. It’s not that they don’t want love – it’s that inconsistent, hard-to-get love feels more familiar, more real.
On the other hand, there are some people whose early exposure to chaos makes them go to the opposite extreme. They become hypervigilant about creating stability, sometimes to the point of rigidity. They might avoid any relationship or situation that has even a hint of unpredictability, missing out on positive experiences because they’re so determined never to feel unsafe again.
But if you grew up with consistent warmth and predictability, healthy relationships often feel natural because they match your internal template. Your nervous system learned that love is steady and reliable, so that’s what you seek and recognize when you find it.
4. They create that inner voice that won’t shut up.
You probably know that voice in your head that shows up right after you make a mistake. The one that, if you listen close enough, sounds eerily similar to your father’s disappointed sigh or your teacher’s frustrated lecture.
That’s not your voice. Well, not originally, anyway.
Psychologists advise that when you’re a kid and you hear “Can’t you do anything right?” or “John never has this problem,” those words don’t just sting in the moment – they move in. They set up permanent residence in your head, becoming the background music that plays during every mistake, every awkward moment, every time you fall short of perfect.
As a child, that critical voice was trying to protect you. If you could just anticipate what might disappoint your parents, teachers, or friends, maybe you could avoid their anger or withdrawal. The child who criticizes themselves first is trying to beat everyone else to the punch. But what you internalize in childhood can become the thing that makes adult life feel like you’re never quite good enough, no matter what you achieve.
5. They affect your physical health in ways you’d never expect.
Your childhood doesn’t just live in your memories – it lives in your body. The stress of growing up in an unpredictable or unsafe environment can affect everything from your immune system to how you experience pain as an adult.
This isn’t just about home life either. For many people, home life equals safety. But a school environment that doesn’t suit your unique needs, or prolonged bullying or social isolation, can have a serious impact both in the short term and later down the line.
Chronic childhood stress can become chronic inflammation, autoimmune issues, or mysterious symptoms that doctors can’t quite explain. The child who learns the world is dangerous develops a nervous system that’s always ready for threat, even when they’re objectively safe now.
As a parent to a child with additional needs, this is particularly troubling to me. I do the best I can to create a safe environment. But the reality is, for some kids, such as those who are autistic, introverted, or highly sensitive, the society they are forced into is inherently distressing for them. Research shows that neurodivergent children are at a significantly higher risk of developing disabling fatigue later down the line, as a result of higher levels of inflammation.
That’s why identifying and accommodating each child’s unique needs early is so crucial, rather than trying to force a square peg into a round hole and then wondering why it’s so battered and broken later in life.
6. They shape your attachment style (and how you connect with others).
Think about what happens when your partner doesn’t text you back for a few hours. Do you immediately assume they’re losing interest? Or maybe you’re on the other end – someone gets a little too close and suddenly you need space, lots of it. Or perhaps you simply assume they’re probably busy.
These ways of thinking aren’t random. They’re patterns that likely started when you were small and trying to figure out if the people you needed most would be there for you.
When you had parents who were consistently warm and available, you probably learned that people are generally trustworthy. But if your mother or father was loving when they were in a good mood but cold and distant whenever they were stressed, you might have developed an anxious attachment style – always scanning for signs that someone’s about to pull away.
Or maybe your needs were met with annoyance or dismissal. Feeling like a constant inconvenience might have taught you that depending on others leads to rejection. So now, when someone wants to get close, alarm bells go off.
These strategies made perfect sense when you were seven, but left unchecked in adulthood, they can wreak havoc with your relationships and well-being.
7. They influence your relationship with money.
Many of us have a complicated relationship with money that stretches back to our early experiences.
Maybe you find yourself hoarding money even when you’re financially secure, because spending still triggers that old fear of not having enough. Or perhaps money was abundant and freely splashed about in your childhood, so you never learned how to budget and save. You may even have become that entitled adult that everyone complains about.
Financial literacy is such an important but underrated skill. It’s easy to say “There’s more to life than money” when you have plenty of it or you have enough and learned how to budget it well. The good thing is, it’s a skill that can be learned at any age if you’re willing to acknowledge there’s a problem. There are so many websites, podcasts, apps, and tools available that you can use to help you make the best use of what you have.
8. They create your understanding of what feelings are for.
Over the years, our knowledge about the importance of naming and understanding emotions has come on in leaps and bounds. Some people might argue that we’ve taken it too far, but that’s a debate for another day. But I think we can all agree that learning to suppress our emotions rarely ends well.
If you grew up hearing “Don’t be so sensitive” or “Stop crying or I’ll give you something to cry about,” you might genuinely struggle to identify what you’re feeling as an adult. Or you might know what you’re feeling but stuff it so far down because you’ve learned showing how you feel will only cause more trouble.
Of course, genetics and temperament also have a lot to answer for, but we now know that children who grow up in emotionally intelligent environments – where feelings were named, validated, and worked through – typically have an easier time with emotional regulation and deeper relationships as adults. They tend to learn that emotions aren’t something to fear or fix, but information to understand.
9. They shape your boundaries (or lack thereof).
Children learn about boundaries by having theirs respected. When that doesn’t happen – when you’re told you’re overreacting for wanting privacy, when your body autonomy isn’t honored, when you’re made responsible for adult emotions – you often grow up believing you don’t have the right to limits.
The kid who was told “You’re hurting my feelings” when they tried to set a reasonable boundary might become an adult who feels guilty about the most basic self-care. Or maybe your boundaries were violated so severely that you built walls instead – keeping everyone at arm’s length because closeness feels dangerous.
But if you grew up in a family where your “no” was respected, where you had privacy and personal space, where your needs were considered valid, you likely developed the ability to set healthy limits that protect your energy and well-being without isolating you from connection.
10. They determine what you believe you deserve.
If you were consistently valued and treated with respect, you’re more likely to expect that treatment from others. Of course, the opposite is also true.
The child who heard cruel things like “You’re such a burden” or “I wish you’d never been born” often grows up unconsciously believing they don’t deserve good things. So when good things happen, it creates a cognitive dissonance that gets resolved by pushing the good thing away.
This isn’t conscious. You might logically know you deserve better while simultaneously feeling uncomfortable when you’re treated well.
Our self-worth is such a crucial part of our early development. It underpins every decision we make about relationships, careers, friendships, and even how we treat our own bodies. Our self-worth is inherent. We are worthy simply because we exist. The sooner we can re-program ourselves to truly believe that, the happier our lives will be.
Final thoughts…
Understanding these patterns doesn’t mean you’re doomed to repeat them forever. Your brain’s ability to form new neural pathways means change is possible, though it takes time and often professional support.
The goal isn’t to blame your childhood, parents, teachers, or peers, but to understand how your survival strategies developed so you can decide which ones still serve you. Some of these patterns protected you when you needed protection. Now you get to choose which ones to keep and which ones to outgrow.
