I used to live near a couple who had a disagreement every day. Their contrasting chats, as I liked to call them, were never just confined to the comfort (and privacy) of their living room or kitchen. No, they’d yell on the drive, in the garden, or somehow up against the nearest open window they could find.
I prefer the healthier approach to disagreements. You know, the ones where you actually get something productive out of it at the end. I’m not saying they aren’t uncomfortable, but they do resolve themselves.
Isn’t that what we should all be seeking in a disagreement? If you agree (no pun intended), then I want you to look out for these 8 signs in particular. If you see them in your conflict, then it’s a pretty good sign.
8 signs of a healthy disagreement:
1. You can say what’s really on your mind without worrying that you’ll be punished for it.
People who grew up having to keep their thoughts to themselves through fear of being punished tend to walk into adult relationships assuming this will always be the case.
But it shouldn’t be. And it won’t be if you’re in a healthy relationship having a healthy disagreement.
In a mature, healthy relationship, a difference of opinion won’t become an argument just because you speak what’s on your mind, so long as you do it respectfully and let the other person do the same, too.
Healthy relationships rely on honesty and communication to survive. It’s how we learn about each other, and in learning, we grow together.
If you never had that experience growing up, it can be hard to realize you have that freedom now. It will feel uncomfortable, but you’ll be given the space and platform to have your voice heard, and the person offering that won’t hold what you say against you or punish you for it.
Sounds like a nice, respectable position to be in, right?
That’s because it is, and the more you practice it, the less uncomfortable it will feel.
2. Both parties can hold their hands up and say, “Hey, I’ll take the blame for that.”
You know what we like to call this?
Accountability!
You aren’t taking the blame for the sake of it or to have a peaceful life and stop the argument in its tracks. You’re taking it because you made a mistake.
If you can do that, I applaud you. Not many people can or do.
And if the person you’re disagreeing with does it, too, then you’re probably having one of the healthiest disagreements out there.
It’s not always comfortable to own your mistakes, but it’s so important, because accountability is what creates space for repair.
And that’s always got to be the aim, hasn’t it? To repair what was fractured, and to do so with both parties fully invested and able to look beyond their ego.
3. You don’t feel you have to agree in order to keep the peace.
Keeping the peace is just another way of saying, “I don’t like conflict, so I will do whatever it takes to make sure everyone is happy.”
But no one has the ability to make sure everyone is happy.
I certainly don’t, which is probably half the reason why I don’t speak with several people in my family anymore. I no longer wanted to go along with abuse just to keep the peace.
The more I spoke up about it, the more fractured the dynamics got. I wasn’t trying to cause trouble; I was just sick of enabling abuse via compliance.
That certainly wasn’t healthy.
A healthy disagreement won’t require you to shrink yourself or turn a blind eye to things that you know are wrong. It won’t require you to keep everyone happy but yourself. You will feel safe when you call out bad behavior. Not comfortable, necessarily, but safe.
It was majorly uncomfortable for me at first, but now I am on the other side of discomfort, and it’s a beautiful place to thrive.
4. You ensure the conversation stays focused instead of veering off track.
People tend to steer conversations off track when they’re getting uncomfortable or talking about things that they don’t like. But sometimes you’ve gotta have the hard talks. I don’t like them either, but what are we if we avoid them?
We’re avoidants. Okay, that was a pretty easy question, but the answer is true.
We get nowhere if we continually dodge the subject or go wildly off topic.
If you are keeping everything you’re talking about on track and you’re giving it your focus, you’re ensuring you are dealing with the issue properly, and you’re much more likely to have a healthy resolution.
Sometimes that does require you to step in and say, “I think we’re off-piste here,” which of course can be uncomfortable. It’s certainly not impossible, though, and it’s a great sign you’re having a healthy disagreement.
5. You walk away feeling like you’re on the same side, and not opponents.
Nobody likes to be a part of a disagreement, but when you’re faced with one, the last thing you want is to walk away with the feeling that you’ve created an enemy.
This can be true in all dynamics, whether it’s your friend, boss, or neighbor. Disputes are a part of life, but ideally, we all want to get along. Don’t we?
Life is hard enough without having to cross the street or avoid the work canteen just because you never really got over that disagreement you had five years ago. Why not make it so that this doesn’t need to be the case at all?
It’s particularly important if it’s someone you care about. In a healthy disagreement, you are on the same side, even if you don’t always see eye to eye. It’s you two against the problem, not you two against each other.
I don’t know about you, but I can’t deal with having enemies. It’s honestly a waste of energy for me.
It’s probably not easier, but it is better to find common ground where you can. If you’re not willing to do that, then don’t bother having the disagreement at all.
6. You listen to each other rather than waiting for the next millisecond of silence so you can start talking.
There is so much power in the pause. And I don’t mean for dramatic effect, but rather to help whoever is listening take in what you’ve said.
This is real communication, where every single microsecond of silence doesn’t have to be your cue to jump in and start talking about what you want to say.
People tend not to like silences, especially during disagreements, but they can be an opportunity to exhale in otherwise very tense moments, and they can offer a brief period of reflection and regulation before anybody speaks again.
Silences can even give way to responses such as, “You said just now that you didn’t like it when I…” allowing you to ensure you’ve fully understood what the other person said and not misinterpreted it.
There is so much value to silence, but we rush it because we find it uncomfortable. But remember, uncomfortable does not mean unhealthy. In fact, in this instance it means quite the opposite.
7. Eventually, the disagreement leads to some kind of resolution.
Would you look at that?! A disagreement where all paths lead to enlightenment! If only we could all live in a world this peaceful and productive.
Many of us do actually want to get along with other people, so whether it’s a spouse or a work colleague, I think finding a resolution where you can will never be a terrible idea.
Quite often, resolution looks like compromise, and while the outcome may not be either party’s first choice, it somewhat pleases them both, meets roughly in the middle, or leads to taking something in turns.
Not enough people understand the art of compromise anymore. Everyone is screaming to be heard and understood, and more importantly, to be right.
But what point is being right if you’ve driven everyone away in the process?
Yes, it will be uncomfortable to give up everything you want and settle for some of it. But as long as the other person is doing the same, your relationship, whatever the type, will be happier and longer-lasting for it.
That’s got to be healthier than fighting until you get your own way all the time, right?
Final thoughts…
None of us are exempt from disagreements. They will happen in our lives whether or not we like it. It is how we disagree, though, rather than whether we disagree at all, that defines the health of our relationships.
A good way to look at healthy disagreement is to separate who you are disagreeing with from the subject at hand.
We don’t want to create long-term problems just to avoid a little short-term discomfort. With that in mind, I’ll leave you with a quote to think about, from the late JFK:
“Too often we enjoy the comfort of opinion without the discomfort of thought.”
