If someone cut you up in traffic on the way home, I promise it wasn’t me (I drive slower than a slug, so if anything, you’d be cutting me up).
I might be the person who asks if you’re okay if you look frustrated, but that doesn’t translate to: “You have permission to take your rage out on me. Go for it.”
It’s not always easy to conceal a bad mood, though, and I understand that. But if you frequently find that your bad mood wanders to the next innocent person you encounter, you may want to consider addressing that habit, because its effects can linger longer than you may realize.
If you’re not sure whether that’s you, here are 7 signs to look out for.
7 signs you’re taking your frustration out on someone who has done nothing to deserve it:
1. You use insignificant things they do as excuses to pick a fight with them.
Come on, admit it: those tiny things have nothing to do with the person you’re firing at, do they? They’re just standing there singing songs from Hamilton and making themselves a coffee, and you’re launching your frustration onto them like you’re playing hot potato.
You’ve got all these niggles going on from other issues, and I get how hard it can be to know where to direct your feelings about them. That’s why people fire outward at the nearest target; they don’t want it all sitting inside of them.
So your Hamilton singing partner or coworker gets the blame, gets a lecture, or gets snapped at.
They’re like, “I was just minding my own business singing about the American Revolution, and suddenly I’m the bad guy…
…But they aren’t really, and if you are making them out to be, you are misfiring those frustrations.
2. You find fault in them because it’s easier than fixing what’s really bothering you.
When we’re uncomfortable with something that’s going on in our own lives, we often try to direct our attention elsewhere. And when our own lives feel like they are falling apart or we’ve made a mistake, that can look like finding fault in others or blaming them to make ourselves feel better.
What’s really going on gets swept under the carpet and replaced with an easier – but far more unfair – option.
If you’re making someone else the problem, then you’re telling yourself that you don’t have to change, which is less work for you, right?
There isn’t something wrong with you if you do this. We all do it sometimes. It’s a defense mechanism. You’re not some manipulative monster. However, it is worth paying attention to so that you can begin to see when you’re avoiding responsibility more than you’d care to admit.
3. You bring up things you’d normally let go.
Why are things getting to you that you’d normally let pass you by? Why is your window of tolerance so narrow right now?
When we get hung up on the little things we’d usually let go, we can usually trace that back to some kind of unmet need, tension, or buildup of previous irritations we’ve let slide.
Sure, sometimes that might be coming from within the relationship in question, but just as often it’s from some external situation, yet we’re taking it out on the easiest or nearest target.
Suddenly, you’re overwhelmed, and any tiny thing that you wouldn’t normally register comes to the surface, often in the form of passive aggression or irritation at the person who least deserves it. Like your co-worker chewing slightly too loudly or your friend breathing with an enthusiasm that suddenly feels excessive.
What these small irritations often mean is that you’re holding onto something bigger, and you’re not giving it the time and space to be worked through in a calm manner.
4. You use venting as an excuse to take your mood out on someone who feels safe.
I have a friend who always takes her moods out on me, yet she doesn’t really do that with her other friends.
I’m not involved in whatever has caused the rage, but I am the person she seems to think either has the bandwidth to listen, is safe to vent at, or who she’s simply gotten used to using as a tool for her release.
I’ve called her out on it before, asking her why she does this, and she’s getting a little more mindful of it. In her defense, she’s going through a lot, and I like the other dimensions of our friendship.
But still, I’ve often wondered why she releases it at me, and I think a lot of it comes down to emotional safety and familiarity.
Similarly, if you know someone isn’t the cause of your frustration, but you keep unloading on them because they’re available, familiar, and emotionally safe, you’re also probably displacing anger rather than dealing with its real source.
If you can acknowledge this, then maybe, just maybe, taking out your anger could be replaced with, “Can I vent for a moment?”
Taking your stuff out on someone else is not cool, but healthy venting while your friend or partner listens is generally more acceptable, so long as they have the bandwidth.
5. You punish them with coldness when they’re not the source of your frustration.
We might make jokes about getting or giving the cold shoulder, but it can be genuinely hurtful to be ignored by someone, especially when you haven’t done anything wrong.
Even when it’s unintentional, it can leave the other person feeling punished, blamed, and anxious.
That is what you need to remember if you’re at that stage. Silence can be a weapon too, and even if you are withdrawing unintentionally, you’re wounding someone else when they aren’t the source of your frustration.
It may well be that you need a shoulder to cry on instead of a shoulder to freeze, but you won’t get that if you keep shutting out the people who love you the most.
6. Anything they say suddenly grates on you.
I think there’s a big link between general stress levels and finding every little thing someone says incredibly annoying.
Think of the idea of ‘The Stress Bucket.’ Essentially, we all have one, and everything can add to it, from our finances to our health or home life. All of our buckets are different sizes, and that size can be affected by various factors from genetics to the environment and everything in between, which is why some people cope better with stress than others.
If our buckets are full, and we don’t have the tools to empty them, the water starts to spill over. AKA, we lose our ability to regulate our emotions, which, yep, leads to everything getting on your nerves.
Someone’s going to get caught up in that, right? You’re around someone, and they say something you decide you don’t like, and you’ve got yourself an outlet for that buildup.
Only this poor person really has nothing to do with your stress; their words were just the straw that broke the camel’s back.
7. You expect them to know what’s wrong without them being told a single thing.
That old crystal ball has a lot to answer for, doesn’t it? Everywhere you go, and everyone you encounter, should have one so they can get a glimpse of what’s gotten up your nose and annoyed you. That way, you don’t have to tell them.
Sounds ideal, but life doesn’t work that way.
We don’t know what everyone else is going through, and we certainly won’t if those difficulties are hidden with a forced smile or total silence.
It’s not my fault if you assume I know what life has been dealing you, and I don’t deserve to be on the receiving end of that particular stick.
Deep down, you may not want to tell people what’s going on because it’s hard. You just want them to be able to tell or magically make it all better.
But unfortunately, that’s not possible. So at least give them half a chance by being honest.
Final thoughts…
Come on. It’s time to be as kind to other people as you should be to yourself. There’s no shame in stress, and hiding it away and then taking it out on people who don’t deserve it isn’t fair.
So if you happen to be around Tom or Rose or Angela or Michael, who can’t say or do anything right, maybe the problem isn’t them? Maybe it’s something a little deeper, and you need to take some time to explore that.
