Boundaries are not – and should never be – your enemy. Setting them can feel unkind and rude, but that feeling usually comes from past experiences where you were made to feel guilty for having them.
Somewhere along the way, your life became more about “I can’t let these people down,” rather than “Boundaries are essential for me to be healthy.”
It’s hard, but if you can reframe them by doing these 9 things, then I know you will feel infinitely happier from the inside out.
It’s a promise I’m willing to make – and keep!
9 ways to reframe boundaries as necessary and healthy:
1. Know that boundaries aren’t there to punish people; they act as information.
I can tell you this, but you have to believe it yourself for it to have any actual effect on you:
You are not punishing people by having boundaries.
The only reason we have boundaries at all is that we want to do what’s right for us. That’s why everyone’s boundaries differ: because we differ.
When you think about what matters to you, that’s where your boundaries should come in. If you don’t like pushing yourself to exhaustion, for example, you’ll be happy to say “no” because that’s what saves you from it.
You are not doing this to punish anyone. You are doing this to protect yourself. And anyone who does feel punished by you protecting your physical, mental, and emotional health is probably not somebody you want to be spending your time and energy on anyway.
You just have to see that, know it, and continue with those boundaries.
2. Talk yourself out of feeling selfish for saying no.
“I should go.”
“It’s selfish of me to say no.”
“I need to put other people first.”
I say: not if it goes against your boundary.
Remember that in saying no, you’re simply showing people how you want to be treated. You aren’t holding up a sign saying, “Please do not approach!”
Reframe ‘no’ as a form of self-care. It’s not about rejection but preservation. Don’t you think that’s worth your attention? It’s not cold or cruel to others to want to protect your wellbeing.
3. Understand that feeling guilt doesn’t always mean you’ve done something wrong.
I’m sorry to tell you that when you start setting boundaries, you aren’t going to immediately feel amazing. You’re going to feel a little uncomfortable.
So you’ll need to gently ease into trusting yourself and your own choices, one small step at a time.
After all, who wants to dive into discomfort and swim in it? I sure as heck don’t!
So, yes, guilt may surface as you set and enforce boundaries, but that doesn’t mean you’re doing anything wrong. It just means you’re doing something different.
Go steady with setting boundaries, and you will gradually notice a natural shift. You don’t have to push yourself beyond a pace that feels right for you, but you do need some pace.
Don’t stand still when the chance to respect yourself is at stake.
4. Know that some people will not understand, no matter how much you explain yourself.
Freeze! Hold back. Step away from the paragraph text you have just typed! I jest, but I know exactly what it feels like to overexplain to someone who is intent on misunderstanding you.
You say all the things, you explain why you’re saying all the things, then you pepper in several apologies that you hope will mean something to the person.
They won’t.
The opposite of overexplaining is giving a clear, concise, and short response to something, but to many people that feels cruel and cold, so they opt to give unnecessary justification and qualifiers instead.
Trust me: that will only undermine your case. Do not give other people more ammunition than necessary to find loopholes or workarounds for your reasonable boundaries. When you stop overexplaining, it will initially feel uncomfortable, but that doesn’t mean you shouldn’t do it.
5. Know that you are allowed to change your mind.
I have to quote one of my favorite songs here by one of my favorite artists, John Mayer:
Give your heart then change your mind, you’re allowed to do it.
‘Cause God knows it’s been done to you, and somehow you got through it.
I always smile hearing those two lines, because it’s so true. You worry about disappointing people when you change your mind without even thinking about the fact that other people do it all the time, and you survive it.
People can change their minds. That’s life. It’s part of growth.
One day you think something is okay or acceptable, and the next, you decide that actually, you don’t like that at all. Or one day you have capacity for something, but another time, you won’t.
That’s perfectly acceptable, and as with the previous point, you don’t need to justify or explain it. A simple, “I thought I didn’t mind that, but now I’ve thought about it, I’ve changed my mind” or “I was able to do that before, but I can’t now” will suffice.
6. Remember that your boundaries are the thing that prevents resentment.
“Yes, sure, I’ll be there.”
“I will absolutely help you.”
“I can do that.”
“No problem, I’ll do it!”
All these people you’re present for – lucky them!
What about you, though? What’s it doing to you?
You end up seething with resentment because you’re overstretching your capacity; meanwhile, your support and time are going to people who often don’t even know what appreciation really means.
To avoid resentment in any relationship, whatever the type, you need to set clear expectations. People need to know where they stand with you at all times. It’s the only way to keep a relationship healthy.
7. Always use boundaries for you, not as control.
Sometimes, when you’re new to setting boundaries, it can be a bit like flipping a coin, only instead of heads or tails being your options, self-protection and control are. Ideally, you want to land on self-protection, but sometimes you land on control.
It’s one of the reasons boundaries get a bad rap. Instead of using them to guide what you’ll tolerate, you overshoot and end up using them to demand that someone else change their actions or behavior.
But boundaries should describe what you will do to protect yourself — not what someone else must do to keep you happy.
For example, “If you keep speaking to me like that, I’m going to step away” is a healthy boundary. “If you don’t start doing what I say, then I’m going to leave!” is an ultimatum designed to control.
If you’re ever in doubt, always remember the golden rule: boundaries are meant to guide your behavior, not to manipulate someone else’s.
8. Remember that you are not the only person whose boundaries deserve respect.
In a bit of a wake-up call, I do want to remind you that you aren’t the only person in the world. What I mean by that is, we’re all entitled to having boundaries, and that means the other person, too.
We ask for space for our boundaries, and we should hold space for other people’s in the same way. It really doesn’t have to be any more complicated than that.
You talk, I listen. I talk, you listen. We take on board what each other is thinking and feeling, and what our limits are.
That’s got to be one of the best ways to live, hasn’t it? If we’re doing that, we can’t all be selfish, can we?
9. Know that if someone has a problem with your boundary, it’s usually them that’s the problem, not the boundary.
I love the following quote:
“If people have an issue with your boundaries, it usually means those boundaries were necessary.”
It’s by me – and I stand by it!
I’ve not had boundaries in the past, and the moment I started to build them, I lost a few people. They’re still around on the perimeters of my life, but nowhere near as close as they used to be.
That’s because my boundaries meant they could no longer overstep or take advantage, and of course, they weren’t happy about that.
At first I was worried I’d upset them.
Now, I just think about how peaceful my life is, and how much happier and healthier I am.
Set the boundary. You’ll watch the trash take itself out.
Final thoughts…
If even one of you leaves here with the feeling that boundaries aren’t the dangerous, cruel concepts you thought they were, then I’ll have succeeded in my mission.
Your boundaries aren’t meant to punish anyone; they’re there to keep you safe and healthy, and you deserve to use them with confidence.
I ask you this:
If you continue allowing everyone to walk all over you, how will you feel ten years from now?
Probably beyond exhausted.
Now’s the time to change course.
