When we were growing up, many of us were inundated with ideas about relationships from the films and TV shows we watched. Pretty much every Disney movie ended with a “happily ever after” wedding or love story, without any idea about how the relationship unfolded afterwards.
And adult romcoms aren’t much more realistic.
As such, far too many people expect that loving, caring relationships will be blissful at all times, with no tensions or arguments whatsoever.
This is highly unrealistic. But real, steadfast love is a very tangible thing, and it can be achieved by putting the following behaviors into practice.
7 ways to create and maintain a real, steadfast love:
1. Always consider your partner’s needs alongside your own.
Considering that we’re the ones inhabiting our bodies and minds, it’s not unusual that many of us get incredibly caught up in getting our own needs met. But by doing so, we de-prioritize the needs of those around us, including those of our spouse or life partner.
Whilst no one is suggesting you should always sacrifice your needs for theirs, considering their happiness and wellbeing as well as your own in small, thoughtful ways can go a long way towards nurturing a steadfast love.
One way to do this is to master the art of compromise, finding the middle ground that considers your partner’s needs without abandoning yourself. For example, taking turns choosing the weekend activity or finding a way to blend your preferences.
It can also involve small, simple acts that show you are considering them throughout your day. For example, if you feel hungry or thirsty, ask your partner if they’d like something to eat or drink too instead of getting yourself something and considering them as an afterthought.
By doing this regularly, you can almost ensure that you’re laying the foundation for loving reciprocation. When they see that you’re inviting them to share in whatever you’re doing, they’ll do the same thing for you, and the cycle continues.
2. Relent at times even if you feel completely right.
If you’ve been having a rough time and get into an argument with your partner, you may feel the inclination to drive your point home and “win” as a means of feeling better. This is especially true when you know that you’re completely in the right in that particular situation.
There’s such a thing as taking the wrong path even when you’re right, however, and making a point in such a hostile manner only undermines the fact that you were correct.
Going down this road can lead to even greater strife in the future. Essentially, you may win this small battle today, but at what cost? Is getting one over on the one you claim to love with your whole heart worthwhile?
There’s an old quote that goes something along the lines of, sometimes, being kind is more important than being right.
Try agreeing to disagree, or let the thing slide for now. One day, when you’re both in a healthier, steadier frame of mind, maybe you can revisit it and resolve this particular issue. Or maybe in time you’ll realize it doesn’t really matter in the grand scheme of things.
Always choose compassion and respect for one another over one-upmanship, competition, or causing hurt in retaliation.
3. Treat your partner the way that they want to be treated, not the way you want to be treated.
While treating others the way you’d like to be treated sounds like a lovely idea, it may miss the mark when it comes to making them happy.
This is because what may be wonderful in your eyes could be uncomfortable or unwanted in theirs. You might love nothing more than to be surprised with a huge party with all your friends, but your quiet, introverted partner may be horrified by such a thing.
Opposites attract a lot of the time, and that can cause potential friction if each individual bases their affection and attention on their own “love language” or interests.
For example, an avid runner who’s married to a quilter might cause their partner some intense grief if they give that person a pair of running shoes for Christmas instead of a new quilting frame.
Prioritize loving your partner the way they want to be loved, rather than using your own preferences as a guide, and you’ll be adding even sturdier blocks to your relationship’s foundation.
4. Focus on clear communication with the goal of resolution.
The relationship I have with my partner is the healthiest and strongest I’ve ever had, and I have no doubt that it’s because of the way we communicate.
Whenever we have a misunderstanding, we sit down and talk it out to get to the bottom of things so we can work through the knots and move forward as a united team.
Additionally, we check in with each other regularly as a form of healthy relationship hygiene.
Many potential arguments and strife can be avoided with a bit of back-and-forth discussion, even sometimes over the most trivial of matters.
This can be as simple as sitting down over tea and bringing up any issues that need to be addressed, from adjusting household chore rosters to planning and delegating family holiday gifts.
Regular communication with the focus of resolving any potential snags before they escalate clears the way for an incredibly strong, steadfast, long-lasting love.
5. Put them before anyone else in your life.
When you choose a life partner, either unofficially, or in a civil partnership or marriage, that person becomes your immediate family.
They have a say over your health in an emergency, and you can govern theirs in turn. You have actively chosen one another as life partners and made a commitment to love, cherish, protect, and stand by each other no matter what.
This is why it’s so important to make sure your partner knows that you will always have their back. By actively showing your partner that they’re the highest priority in your life, it can keep the embers of your love glowing strongly long after those of your peers have cooled to ash.
For example, you wouldn’t hesitate to cancel plans with your friends if your partner really needed you — even if it meant temporary disappointment on your part. In turn, they would undoubtedly do the same for you.
The two of you become each other’s shields and support pillars, through thick and thin.
6. Honestly analyze your intentions towards your partner to determine whether they are healthy.
Our behaviors towards one another can shift over time, especially when life circumstances adjust the relationship dynamics. As such, if the two of you have been together for quite a while, it’s possible that your partnership isn’t exactly the same as it was when you first met.
For example, one of you may have had to care for the other through a serious illness, or one of you might have been unemployed for a prolonged period and had to lean on the other for financial support.
In situations like these, dynamics can shift, and resentment can build.
This is why it’s so important to analyze your intentions toward your partner, including how you feel about both them and the rapport between you.
Did you take on a parental role with your partner when they were ill, and now you feel superior toward them even though they’ve recovered?
Or did you feel resentful when you had to be the sole breadwinner for a while, and now you feel entitled to be passive-aggressive or mean to them as a punishment?
Or perhaps you are still in that dynamic and are finding it hard to accept?
It’s ok to have feelings like these. You’re only human. But left suppressed and unaddressed, they will fester and destroy the relationship you’ve worked hard to build.
Be ruthless about examining the motivations behind your actions towards the person you’ve chosen as your life partner. Speak openly with them about the shift in dynamics, how it’s affected you, or what support you need now, keeping in mind their feelings too.
Remember point 4: honest, clear communication is essential for a steadfast love.
7. Be each other’s safety and solace.
Much like prioritizing one another in your social circles, make sure that you are each other’s “safe space” always.
This may involve standing up for them if family members put them down — yours or theirs — or confronting someone who makes them feel uneasy (or getting them out of the situation if confrontation isn’t safe).
In an emergency situation, you ensure each other’s safety and make sure your respective needs are met, and you will protect one another by whatever means may be necessary.
Being each other’s protectors also requires you to be wholly open and honest with one another. This builds emotional safety and makes your relationship bulletproof if anyone tries to cause discord between you.
You know each other’s habits and secrets, so nobody can try to divide you or use you as leverage against one another. And even if they try to do so, you both make it abundantly clear that you will always choose each other, and won’t abide anyone else’s interference.
Final thoughts…
Remember that love is an active choice; a verb as well as a noun. Saying nice things to one another is lovely, but what consistently reinforces relationships is action.
Show them that you love them and will stand by them no matter what comes your way, and they’ll undoubtedly recognize your devotion and return it in equal measure.
In close relationships, it’s worth remembering that we are the ones with the power and proximity to be the chief contributors of suffering in the lives of those we love dearest. By keeping that knowledge in mind, we can try to mitigate as much of that as possible as we move forward together.
